18 December, 2013

The old me is coming back

Hello :)
My blog, as you had the chance to see, is my vent, my escape from everything and everybody. It's just me and my thoughts. Since I started this, I've really seen myself maturing. When I read everything I've written, my brain got the hint. I've changed. I made me a better and happier person. More realistic. And it all crashed today. I was perfectly happy, hanging out with my friend and I saw these pictures on Facebook. Miss D. with most of the guys from our college. I admit I'm jealous. I didn't even know they were meeting up, not only wasn't I invited. That hurt me. Really. I don't know why I'm still thinking about it (it passed 5 hours since I saw it), but I am. I know that not everyone can be your friend but it would be nice to be invited. I was in the non-invited group my whole life. I'm sick and tired of it. I literally never get invited to anything unless I invite someone. And if you might think that they don't like me or something, that's not it. And I don't live in delusion. I know how everyone feels. Mostly. I think they like me but not enough to hang out with me. And how could I not be sad about it? The worst part is, tomorrow, when I see them, I'll be pissed, sad and confused and I won't show a single feeling. I'll be nice to all of them (there's no reason not to be) but I'll "hate" them all. Especially her. Miss D. God, what did I do wrong? What am I doing wrong? Why? Why me? I just want to sit somewhere in the corner and cry. Cry until everything goes away. But I can't. I need to put my self together and smile tomorrow. I have the feeling that I'm mostly smiling when I'm broken inside. My only hope these days are Mr. M., Miss E. (from college) and my "Fiba" friends (D. thanks for today :*). You see how a single photo can affect a person? Ruin my whole day? Put me in deep depression? (I'm not suicidal, don't worry...) On one hand, I'm happy they're happy and they're hanging out but on the other... No! I was supposed to be there too. I said to myself in the beginning of college that I'll change. I'll be inside of everything. But I'm not. I never was. "I read somewhere... how important it is in life, not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong." - Christopher McCandless. Smart man. I know exactly what he means. Fake smile - on, feelings - off. I would normally say to someone in this situation, keep your head high, they're not worth it. But I can't say that to myself. I'll just have to sleep it off. And I'm going to do that right now!
Good night Europe. Bye to all the rest...

Cry! It helps...
Just sitting in the corner... Don't mind me...

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