17 November, 2019

My body image journey - holding it in (part 2)

If you haven't read the first part, I suggest you do that first (Body shaming (part 1)). Moving on from the where we ended that Sunday, I was now in my 8th grade, last grade of elementary school. I don't know if it's unfortunate or fortunate for me, but we didn't go on any trips then even though our country practices 1-week school trips at the end of elementary and also high school. Now remembering my last school trip, it was awful and great. That was in the 4th grade and we went to the shore. I still remember not going into sea once, not even taking my clothes off on the beach. I had a swimming suit underneath my clothes, but I just couldn't do it. I was fuc*ing 11! I even have photos that prove that. When my mom saw it, I lied and said teacher took that photo right before I went in. I never have. And all other parts were absolutely great and I had so much fun, but this was just awful.

OK, we were ending our elementary school now and, as much as I loved it and my friends, I was happy I would get a chance to start all over. Hello, high school! In the first grade I had my best friend and I think the only reason I ever approached her was she was bigger than me. The only one that was bigger than me. So, I felt safe with her. Things happened and we stopped being friends even during high school, but she was still bigger than me. That was good news to me. Even though this seems like I'm glad someone was fat, it was not about her, it was about me. I needed shield.

I have one photo of myself in, I think, 2nd grade (sophomore year) that we now call "pumpkin photo" cause I was the fattest then and also my pose on it is just ridiculous and weird. Every time I see it, I feel so embarrassed and pissed off at myself. For all 4 years I tried to play it cool, but the truth is I was worried about my appearance 99% of the time. Whenever I stood in the hallways I was always thinking how I and my current pose looked from a different perspective. This way of thinking and living is firstly very tiring because I could rarely enjoy the moment. There were only very few people that made me feel safe. And they still do and I can't thank them enough.
Joan and Dora, I love you.

There's going to be a twist to all this in the next part. Make sure to read it ☺

See you next Sunday ♥

10 November, 2019

Storytime: I was embarrassed to talk to my brother

Wow. A year and a half passed since I wrote a 'Storytime' post. I have so many in drafts, but I can't seem to actually write them down to capture everything I want to say in a few words... Today you're getting a glimpse of when my low self-esteem and shyness started. Or when I first discovered it.

I don't remember the exact time, but I was somewhere in the first grade, maybe second. So I was up to 8 years old. My brother was then up to 12 years old. He would usually spend his free time or weekend at the school playground with his school friends. And also, these were the times when mobile phones weren't a thing everybody had.
So, I think my mom was worried or she made lunch and wanted my brother at the table or something like that. Whatever it was, she said she's going to go get him. As she had some things to do (probably that lunch), she looked at me and asked if I wanted to go. I remember it was nice warm weather, spring for sure. And I said I would go. For my at home attire, I wore a blue skirt (was it a mini-skirt?) and a dusk pink T-shirt. I still remember my outfit and I remember wearing that skirt a lot, it was my favorite.
So the idea was to get my mom's mobile phone to my brother so he could get in touch with her or I just bring him home. So, being the little diva I was, I, of course, had to get a purse for that phone. I couldn't just carry it in my hand. I still remember a silver bag my grandparents gave me and my mom's phone with the antenna. Younger generations would probably need to Google this. Anyhow, I put on my shoes, which were sparkly sandals and I was on my way.
We have about 5 minutes of walking to my school. I got close to school and saw my brother with his friends. About 6 of them were just hanging out on the bench and around it. And then it hit me. I was too scared to go down there. I stood on the top of that small hill, behind some tree so they wouldn't see me. I stood there for about 10 minutes. Probably 2 minutes, but it felt like hours were passing. Then I just turned around and went back home.
My mom asked me about my brother and I just said he was there and everything was good. I told her I never went to him. She was weirded out, but didn't say anything and just went with it. I guess she was happy enough that my brother was still on the playground with his friends.
To this day I can't tell you what actually happened then. I know I was a bit chubby, but I don't remember it holding me back that much. I also know I wore that outfit, that skirt, a lot at home and to school. I also knew all of my brother's friends... That day I just didn't feel like I could actually go between all those boys. I can still remember all my feelings and how baffled I was.

Do you have some similar memories?

See you next Sunday ♥

03 November, 2019

My sleeping problems

I've been struggling with this for years now and I thought about posting this few times and I always backed down because I didn't think it was common or important. But I just saw a tweet about it and said "fu*k it, I'm writing it down" and here we are.
It all started in college.
I was almost 18 years old when I started college. Until then, I had more or less normal sleep pattern. I did stay up longer than all my friends, but my parents always let me as long as it wasn't causing problems during the day, in school and as long it wasn't affecting my focus. I loved that. And I have to jump 10 years later, to now, and say I still need only few hours of sleep which is absolutely awesome!
But, that aside, I think I was in my second year when I noticed I had troubles sleeping. It would take me hours to fall asleep and I woke up at least 3 times during some nights. I also felt some nervousness in my body. I couldn't fully understand what was going on. I always thought it was the stress before some exams or some social things like birthdays or presentations at college. Anyhow, I didn't pay much attention to it that year. It would happen once a month or maybe even less than that, so I just brushed it off.
At that point, I couldn't take it anymore.
A year has passed and I was in my third one in college and the symptoms were just becoming worse and worse. We have exams twice a semester and in that last exam period for the semester, in February, I realized my sleeping pattern was just terrible. I was always studying at night as it's just easier for me, but I couldn't sleep when I actually went to sleep. And the weirdest part was that I was actually really tired. So, I took some pills I usually take for longer rides as I get nauseous during car rides. Unfortunately, those are quite strong so I would feel like crap all day the next day. I also took energy drinks to stay awake. This combination took a toll on me pretty fast and I realized something was terribly wrong. I couldn't live like that anymore. I was exhausted without being able to sleep.
My fiend told me her friend had the same issues and her advice was just to not take anything for sleeping. She thought I would have to crash sometime and my body would want to sleep. I thought that was a reasonable thing to think, but she didn't know the full story. I went 4 days without closing my eyes. So 96 hours. And I felt OK for some strange reason. So no, my body didn't crash. It just learned to live without sleep. Don't get me wrong, I know it would have crashed at some point for sure, but I couldn't wait for it. I still had college and exams to pass.
I got other pills.
So I went to the pharmacy, explained my problem and they gave me some pills that help you fall asleep. Now this is not a post about the pills and I really don't need advice on that. I'm not an addict, I know my body and what I can and can't handle. Now I found those pills and I have to say I still buy them, 4 years later. They are really mild and, unless I'm laying down, being all calm, they won't work. I never had any side effects either.
Surprisingly, this thing, that nervousness I feel sometimes before sleep is more common than I thought. More and more people I know have said they have it too. I have to say it happens a lot (!) more rarely than it did few years ago, but if it happens, I have my pills next to me.
So, how do I fall asleep now?
I'm sure stress college was causing helped this problem develop faster. Now that I have a normal job, I'm pretty much happy all the time, I have less issues with sleeping. However, there are also some things that I know would help me fall asleep. I like drinking hot cocoa before sleep, working out in the evening also helps. I just wanted to write this so you would know, if you can't explain your falling asleep problems, you're not alone. Also, there are pills to help you, but definitely get them at the pharmacy and ask people there what works the best.

How is your sleeping pattern? Do you have any issues with it? I'd love to talk about it...

See you next Sunday ♥