05 July, 2021

I'm unhappy

Wow. A new post after... what, 8 months? Not bad. Honestly, I always wanted to get back to writing this blog, but never knew which topic to put in and which to leave out. And I promised myself, long time ago, that I would write whatever comes to my mind. This is my digital diary, my way to express my feelings to the world. So, as it usually goes, my life has been pretty weird lately and I don't know what to do about it. So here I am. And I'll get to the point right away.

I'm unhappy. Currently. And have been for the past few years. I'm at that point in my life where half of my friends are getting married and having kids and the other half is partying hard. And I'm nowhere. I want to go out, I want to travel, I want to cuddle up and watch a movie with my significant other. The thing is - I have no one.

There was this guy recently that I think liked me, and I kinda liked him back, but as socially awkward as I am, I totally blew it. I was so weird, even I can't explain the sh*t I pulled. And I tried to do as much damage control as I could, but there was no hope. As much as I want a relationship now and am ready for one, I'm also so new to it and so scared I'll mess it up that I mess it up in the beginning so I would never have to deal with the deeper feelings. I can't explain. 

My friends. I have only 2 really close friends. One of them is getting married in a couple of days, but is usually unavailable due to her job, errands and the fact - I think - that she really doesn't have the need to go out as often. The other one is usually up for our outings, but I have to be honest and say it's not enough for me lately. I feel trapped at home. My whole life now is work-home. I want to do something new, something more exciting than coffee. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with them, and I love coffees, but I'm also bored out of my mind.

I'm the type of person that won't do anything alone. And by anything I mean play some sport, go to the gym, travel, etc. And none of them, or my other good friends, won't do it. They have plans of their own or just don't have the money to do it. I would go with my dad, but we're not on good terms. We're barely coexisting at home. My mom, on the other hand, is my best friend, but she is so passive. She just wants to be at home and watch TV all day.

And I wanna die at home. I don't know what to do. I have 2 hobbies that I love - nails and making jewelry, but both of those are just a money pit. I'm constantly "losing" money on them. Sure, I love it and it makes me happy, but I also don't want to sit at my table 24/7.

I'm sad and scared that I'm spending my best years bored and miserable. I just wanna cry. I want to talk to people about it and make them realize there's so much more behind my everyday smile. But I always chicken out. My mom won't get it. My dad and brother wouldn't listen. And I don't want my colleagues to think I'm pathetic and weak. And I don't want to be a burden to my close friends. There's no real advice they could give and I know it. So I don't want to make them feel bad because they can't travel with me.

I don't know how to end this so I'm just gonna end it. There.