08 December, 2013

I always come second

Hi people :)
Before I write anything, I want you to know that I am not depressed right now and I am used to the way things are now. I was planning to write about something else but that can wait. I want to share the worst story of my life with you. (I believe this is going to be a bit longer post...)
So, I live with my family, mother, brother and father. Well, my brother moved out but he comes every now and then for the weekends. He... He is perfect. Like every big brother is to his little sister. But really, he's smart, funny, charismatic, popular, successful,... Everything a person would want to be. And I'm not exaggerating. When you look for the definition of the word "perfect" in the dictionary, you'll find his picture. This may sound to you like I'm jealous, but I'm not. I wish I could his life but I'm so so so proud of him. How could I not be? He's my role model. Kinda. ;) But there's something I will always be sorry for and something I will never get over. Other members of my family. My mother and my father. Now, I've already said that I don't really get along with my father but we're still a family. At least, I think so. Anyway, they are also so proud of my brother. And it's supposed to be that way. Any other wouldn't be normal. But... All their focus is on him. I'm sure there are people out there who feel the same way. When you just can't get in the spotlight. Not even for five minutes. I'm a great student. And that's kinda it. That's all that I have to show. Even though my friends think more of me than I do. I believe it's always like that. But that's not the reason to be less loved by your parents, is it? They should act equal towards every child they have. I wanted to be a soldier, I wanted to play the guitar and the piano, maybe some sport. I never did, I never will. Why? Because my brother did that (except the piano). Now, everything I do is like being his shadow. I got into his college, because I wanted to, and every time I say that, people immediately say: "Going by your brother footsteps, ha?" Well, yes and no. Imagine only if I joined the army, they would kill me with statements like that. In meantime, I gave up on that "dream". I figured that I could never go through with it. I'm not the type of person to obey every single rule somebody gives me. Maybe that's true, maybe I'm only telling that to myself. I think I'll never find out. My brother played the guitar, went to some sports championships and got quite a few golden medals. He had it all, and he's in his twenties. I tell you, everything I do is compared to him and I'm sick and tired of it. He, on the other hand, never said anything like that. I think he proud of me. I really hope he is. I told this story to my friend. I said I got used to this by now. I only expect that someday, maybe, I'll get my five minutes of fame. We'll see. She said to me: "You don't need to expect that. It shouldn't be that was in the first place." She's right but some things never change. I don't think this will, either. What do you think? Should I change myself?
Always in the second place...

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