14 October, 2014

Change within seconds

Hello :)
Yesterday was a big day for me. Nothing happened. My heart played a game with my mind. And I'm still not sure who won. I watched "The Lucky One" and, since it's a romantic movie, it got to me. I started thinking and over-thinking in the late hours never goes well. One thought led to another and few minutes later I was thinking about ancient past and how it will affect my future. My leading thought was I wasn't good enough. Not for my family, friends, colleagues, society in general. While I was thinking about that, I thought about opening my heart and soul here today. I wanted to write it all down. No matter how it may make me look. Thank God I was kinda alone, my parents were in the other rooms, probably sleeping. I couldn't explain what's wrong since I wasn't sure myself. Now that I actually started writing this, I'm not sure I should write my life just yet. I'm sure you'll have the chance to read my mind one day, but that's not today. I got from "I'm nothing" to "I never lose, I trip and keep going" in such short time that even I'm amazed. Sure I wasn't acting like I don't care few seconds after I started crying. It went on for half an hour maybe, but then something else hit me. I found myself saying that I can do something, that I live my life and it's my thing how I go through it. Today I still kinda have that weird feeling in me, like something's wrong. But this feeling isn't actually bothering me. It's normal that you have that post-traumatic period. And I think of yesterday as that. I had a crisis, I got over it, at least for now, and I moved on for the day. Sometimes I think I would feel much better if I just told someone my problems but there's that feeling that they won't understand. So I keep almost everything to myself. I learned to live with it. As much as it bothers me, and I have this series of bad mood, I think that I'm learning how to deal with it exactly because I handle it myself. After every episode, I try to see the good side, good in the bad, happy in sad... It sounds stupid but it works. For instance, when I feel down I look at my old photos. I have few of them where I find myself good-looking and that boosts my confidence. I also look up (I have pictures on my desk) and I see my friends who bring me plenty of joy every day. That calms me down and I'm good for some time. My mood depends on so many factors so I can't really tell you how long I can stay happy. But I was genuinely happy today for a "friend" of mine. He was great. Congrats J.D. It doesn't mean anything to you, but I'm proud of you.
Change for the brighter.

10 October, 2014

Disease around us

I've read today that Ebola, deadly disease, very popular these days, was discovered about 40 years ago (if I'm not mistaking). This guy who discovered then said he feels a disaster coming. Oh boy, was he right. I don't know if I mentioned ever before, but I'm terrified of dying. And not only that I'm scared like almost every normal human being is, I literally can't think about it because I can cry about it for 2 hours without stopping. That's me. And, being like that, this Ebola is really worrying me. Especially now when they confirmed first cases of it in the country next to us. And there are some suspicious cases in one of our towns too, but they're not confirmed yet. It really scares me because it's world known that they don't have the cure for it. They actually know how to cure it because 40% of people didn't die of it, but that was pure luck combined with their organisms. So, it's more likely to think that if you, God (or any other force that you believe in) forbid it, get Ebola, you'll die. And now I'm thinking... Why do people still travel with this on our minds? Why visit a critical country? OK, if you wanna help go, but don't come back if you are sick!! I know it sounds rude but there's not any other way of stopping this thing. Until the whole world is safe, they should really close all boarders. I know this would cause huge mess, but better mess than death! People from those countries should stay there. They should get all the help they can get, of course, but shouldn't be a threat to the entire world! It could be that only I'm thinking like this because I'm healthy and I want to stay that way. Maybe it's not fair to all the sick people out there. But, let's be honest, you can't win against this. At least not for now. Disease will die with people. That's the whole philosophy. Yes, I know what I'm saying here, and I'm so sorry that I put it like that. It's awful. And it's the truth. And I'm also sorry for the people that have to go through this. I really hope somebody will find the real cure for it. For me. For all the people out there. Healthy and sick ones. I also hope that if that happens, they won't charge it $99999999999 per pill so only the rich people could stay alive. Wake up people!!!! We need to think really hard about this, this is not a game. Think about yourself, your family, neighbors, friends... Don't travel if it's not safe. Test yourself at the first signs of coughing. It could be nothing. But it's better for everyone that if you, again God forbid, have this disease to find out as soon as possible. With this horrible thoughts on my mind, I leave you to think. I really hope this will all go away by the end of the year and it will all turn out to be a really really bad dream.
P.S. I'm once again sorry for the way I may treated sick people here. I didn't mean that they need to die so we could be safe. I'm jut pointing out that we need to be extra careful. I'm just scared.

no picture needed (you don't want to see the picture of this...)