06 November, 2020

To love and to be loved... (part 2)

I have to state at the beginning of this post that I'm almost sure I'll regret writing it in a few days or weeks or even months, but I promised myself I wouldn't hold back in writing this blog anymore. I used to write a lot and most of those posts remained unpublished because I waited until I didn't feel that way anymore. And that's not the point of keeping this digital diary. So here we go.

A while back, in August, I wrote a post To love and to be loved... where I somehow explained what's going on and how the feeling of (any) love is absolutely awesome and all that. I would suggest reading that one before you dive into today's topic, but do as you please. I also want to say I stand by everything I said there. However... This is a post on my weird self.

And every day is a struggle.

I say quite often that I'm socially awkward and that's usually with people my own age. I don't know why, but it takes me quite some time before I can feel comfortable with new people and before I can find topics to talk about. I'm also usually not the one starting conversations. And now add that to having a crush on somebody. In my world that means never getting comfortable. I'm always overthinking things I do and say. And it's been holding me back. Now there's this guy I introduced in my previous post, we're working together. I see him every single day. And every day is a struggle.

This is the longest crush I've ever had on somebody. It usually turns into a friendship or we part ways or I just cool down. But not with this one. I already announced to my friends that I was done with it in like June (??) or sometimes around that time. And I'm still not. And for the first time ever, I can't explain this to myself. I learned that he was interested in some other girl (whom I don't know and it's not even important who she is) and that's usually an instant stop sign for me. If I meet anyone and I know they're in a relationship, there's no way I would look at them in that romantic way. Never. Ever. And I'm so happy I have that trait because I would most probably be heartbroken 24/7. Hello, I'm hopeless romantic, nice to meet you.

But the feeling is keeping me alive.

And now I thought I would cool off with this one too, knowing now what I know. But no. The feeling is not fading. And I can't even explain the feeling. It's definitely not love, it's not lust either. It's... who knows. I don't even care what it is, but I would like it to be a friendship love/interest instead so I could stop feeling this awkward around him. It's weird to say that I love that butterflies feeling even though I know it's not mutual. But the feeling is keeping me alive.

What's the point of this post, you ask? I don't know. Honestly. I just needed to tell somebody what's been going in my head. And as you can see, it's a mess. I've been struggling every day with the same feeling for over 10 months now. With all other guys I work with, I immediately had that friendly vibe and little by little, I became very comfortable around them. And no, not all of them are in a relationship. If there's anyone with any good advice that doesn't include actually confessing my feelings or 'just going up to him and starting talking normally', I would greatly appreciate it. Haha.

EDIT: Oh, I'm here now, past midnight of course, listening to all the songs he likes (to be fair, I love them too), thinking about him. Why? Why? Why? I realized that with each new song I learn he likes, I like him a bit more because we have such a similar taste in music and yet so different. I can't even explain it, but his playlist is basically 85% my playlist. Then there are 10% that he has in his playlist but won't admit he likes. OK, the 5% is OK not to have matching. Haha.