Storytime: I was embarrassed to talk to my brother

Wow. A year and a half passed since I wrote a 'Storytime' post. I have so many in drafts, but I can't seem to actually write them down to capture everything I want to say in a few words... Today you're getting a glimpse of when my low self-esteem and shyness started. Or when I first discovered it.

I don't remember the exact time, but I was somewhere in the first grade, maybe second. So I was up to 8 years old. My brother was then up to 12 years old. He would usually spend his free time or weekend at the school playground with his school friends. And also, these were the times when mobile phones weren't a thing everybody had.

So, I think my mom was worried or she made lunch and wanted my brother at the table or something like that. Whatever it was, she said she's going to go get him. As she had some things to do (probably that lunch), she looked at me and asked if I wanted to go. I remember it was nice warm weather, spring for sure. And I said I would go. For my at home attire, I wore a blue skirt (was it a mini-skirt?) and a dusk pink T-shirt. I still remember my outfit and I remember wearing that skirt a lot, it was my favorite.

So the idea was to get my mom's mobile phone to my brother so he could get in touch with her or I just bring him home. So, being the little diva I was, I, of course, had to get a purse for that phone. I couldn't just carry it in my hand. I still remember a silver bag my grandparents gave me and my mom's phone with the antenna. Younger generations would probably need to Google this. Anyhow, I put on my shoes, which were sparkly sandals and I was on my way.

We have about 5 minutes of walking to my school. I got close to school and saw my brother with his friends. About 6 of them were just hanging out on the bench and around it. And then it hit me. I was too scared to go down there. I stood on the top of that small hill, behind some tree so they wouldn't see me. I stood there for about 10 minutes. Probably 2 minutes, but it felt like hours were passing. Then I just turned around and went back home.

My mom asked me about my brother and I just said he was there and everything was good. I told her I never went to him. She was weirded out, but didn't say anything and just went with it. I guess she was happy enough that my brother was still on the playground with his friends.

To this day I can't tell you what actually happened then. I know I was a bit chubby, but I don't remember it holding me back that much. I also know I wore that outfit, that skirt, a lot at home and to school. I also knew all of my brother's friends... That day I just didn't feel like I could actually go between all those boys. I can still remember all my feelings and how baffled I was.

Do you have some similar memories?

See you next Sunday ♥

Storytime: A teacher was wrong & yelled at me

It's been a while since I wrote a 'Storytime' post, but let's just start this one. Sometime in my elementary school we had a substitute professor who was teaching geography and he had some big shoes to fill in as the professor that was absent was pretty loved. He was Michael, young and new in this business. So he came all friendly, a bit confused and all over the place, but very nice. He also told us we could call him only by his first name which was a huge difference to all other teachers and professors. And we were about 12 years old at the time. It was kinda weird so we kept calling him 'professor' whenever we needed him. Although I kinda missed the old one, I really liked Michael. And I think he liked me. Not only me, but I always did my homework, I did good in his class so he liked that.

One time we were given pair assignments and my friend's any mine was to write a paper on Cyprus and present it to the class. This was going on for few weeks before we had to do it. We've already listened to about half the class and we saw how everybody was doing it. We all had posters and papers in front of us to read all the stats and information we're supposed to present. Nobody was good at presenting in 6th grade.

So our turn came and my friend didn't show up to school that day (I forgot the reason why) so I asked my other friend if she could just read those parts off a paper. She said she could so we came up front and started. As soon as I started reading, Michael stopped me and started yelling. He said we couldn't read anything. We should have learned it. I first had to defend my friend and explain to him why she knew nothing about that and why was she even there. Once that was cleared, I still had to defend myself. The whole class was confused because it was not how Michael usually reacted and, also, everybody else was also reading everything off papers. After few minutes that felt like ages, Michael told me to sit down and I never finished my presentation.

I acted all strong and just pissed off, but when I got home I started crying my eyes out. He yelled at me in front of everybody for something that wasn't my 'fault'. I told my parents what has happened, they went to school the other day and talked to my class professor and Michael. The next geography class, Michael invited me to stay a bit after class. Of course, my whole class stayed because we were noisy little creatures. He invited me closer to his desk and apologized saying "he shouldn't have reacted that way". I just said "OK, thank you".

I still have no idea what happened that day, but me and Michael were pretty good afterwards and I also called him by his first name few times in later grades. He then left our school after about 2 years. I've seen him few more times afterwards, just passing by.

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What's your worst teacher/professor experience?

Storytime: I'm going clubbing!

I've decided to share one 'night out' story with you. If you've been reading some of my older posts, you know I'm kinda socially awkward, with very few friends, I almost never go out like clubbing (last time I was there was 4 years ago?). With that being said, I kinda went out with people that are not even my best friends. To fill you in a bit about our relationship, I'll just say we are good and we hang out at college, but we've never been out together. We rarely even have coffees together. To make it more not my style, there were some other people invited which I don't even talk to (not because we're not in good terms, we just never started a conversation and we don't have many topics beside college to talk about either). I have no idea why I said 'yes' to this, so not my thing!

Last night started pretty OK, casual with lots of drinks and laughing. Although I didn't make some connection with these other people, I wasn't uncomfortable and I just tried to have a good time. The night was going great. Music kinda sucked, but it was all in all alright. Then we ran into more people I didn't know (and at some point I was left with a group of totally unknown people) and some people I really really really (!) dislike. Immediately, I felt nervous. I felt like I'm not myself anymore and like I'm thinking about my every move and how they're gonna see me and what they're gonna think of me. So there was that. Then, after few very awkward moments I wish not to share even here, my group decided to go home. A girl I met just 20 minutes ago was left alone cause everybody left to the toilet so I stayed with her. My friends and I had a misunderstanding so they actually left me there. However, I left after about half an hour. There are two reasons why I stayed "so long": music was really great and I haven't been in a club for 4 years! So yeah.

I know I haven't given you many info about this night, but I wanted to share how my evening went from "this is gonna be a great night after all" to "God, why?" in just few hours. I know I have this problem where I overthink everything and I care about other people's opinions way too much. But that's me. Every time I go anywhere, I know this will be the case. It's just a matter of my mood and mostly people around me how that event will go.

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Do you have any clubbing stories you'd like to share?

Storytime: This dream still haunts me

Hey. Welcome to my second story. So, this happened few weeks ago, but I guess it was so strong that I still think about it on daily basis.

Note: Have in mind this was a dream and it did happen quite a long time ago so I won't remember all the details. This note was written last. I also wrote this for two days cause I couldn't do it without crying. I wrote about 2 sentences in a row before crying. I had long pauses to calm down. Maybe it's all over the place. I don't know.

So I dreamed that my parents were asking me about my college grades and exams and, as usual, I said it was all good without long explanations. Then they asked me why I'm not going out with my friends, why I'm not in a relationship. I just smiled and said I don't know. There were some other questions before I snapped. Now I remember my speech so here it is. "Because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself, of what I do, of what I like, of what I look like. I'm scared to go outside. I'm ashamed that I'm over 20 and I look like this. And I can't cook, dance, drive or do anything a "normal" person my age should. I'm afraid that my friends think I'm stupid cause I don't follow politics or sports. I'm scared cause I have no self-esteem to pull me back up. So I hold it in. And you have no idea. It's scares me that I'm over 20 and I have no idea what I'm doing. But most of all I'm scared that you're ashamed. I'm scared that I'm not making you proud. I'm scared that nothing I do is good enough. Like I'm not meeting your expectations. And I want to. I'm really trying. But yes, I'm ashamed of myself. And you have no idea. I'm sorry."
And then I woke up.

I know this was just a dream and, as most dreams are, this was so random and probably not even related to the fake questions my parents were asking. I have no idea how this came up, but the fact that I woke up in tears and really disturbed, the fact that I'm still disturbed 2 weeks later and that I cried during writing this tells me this is the truth. And I do believe that most people my age do have this thoughts every now and then because, let's be honest, we have no idea what we're doing with our life. I can still hear myself yelling "I'm ashamed!" in my dream.
Note: Not to worry. I'm not depressed and I'm not this bad all the time. This hits me every now and then. But when it does, it's pretty bad.

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Any similar thoughts? How old are you? Can you manage life?

Storytime: My mom found her Christmas present

With Christmas time approaching, I thought of this one time when my mom found a present I meant to give her. I actually remember this quite often, so it's time I share it.

This all happened about 10 years ago. At that time I was still in elementary school, being around 11 years old. Money wise, my mom was giving me money for school and I usually had enough for some sandwich, chips or chocolate. I didn't need more. But as I had that kind of income, buying presents for holidays was very hard. (If any kid is reading this, I want you to know Santa does exist, but I wanted to make my family even happier!) I was buying some small stuff whenever I got the chance to go to the store. So this one year, I bought my mom a candle holder in the shape of Santa's head (creepy?). He had golden hat with glitter all over it. I thought it was so cute and it was about $1 or $2 so that was a perfect price. I got it, came home, put it in the back of the cupboard in my room and waited for an opportunity to wrap it up. As usual, my mom decided to clean the house right before Christmas. I have no idea why was she in the back of my cupboard, but she found the candle holder. As usual, if she cleans while I'm not home, she puts all stuff she doesn't know where to put on my bed. I came home and saw Santa on the bed. I immediately freaked out that I left it there for some unknown reason, but then she came and told me everything. She gave a lecture about keeping stuff in order and how could I just put it there and why I haven't told her that I bought something. I was crushed. This was my ultimate cute and cheap idea for a present and she found it. She found it just few days before Christmas. So I had no time and no money. I took a dollar from my brother, I had 2 of my own, and I went to the store searching for a replacement. I eventually found a small sculpture of 2 turtle doves. I can't express how worried and sad I was. Imagine a broke kid who just wants to give some presents, but can't. To this day, when I remember that, I feel so very sad. Also, to this day, she doesn't know the story.

The lesson behind this story: Parents please don't do through your kid's stuff. If you do find anything, just put it back and never mention it.

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Do you have some similar experiences?

Do you even like "storytime" posts?