My friend Dora

Hello again :)

It took me a while, but I'm writing a new post to "My family and friends" series. Intro post is here.

Today I'm writing about my friend Dora. So, I've met Dora in the first grade of high school. I sat in front of her, and little by little, we started talking and getting to know each other. After a while, we started going out together almost every day after school and most of the weekends and on events that were happening. Pretty soon, we were best friends. She knew everything about me and I knew everything about her (didn't I?). I was a bit confused kid, I found problems where there weren't any and she could have easily blown me off when I started the same "problem" for the 100th time. But she didn't. She listened to all my "love problems" and bullsh*t I went through and she always found some advice for me. She is such a positive person, so optimistic. Funny, kind and helpful. Since the moment I met her till now, she has grown so much. She has become an adult and has pretty great view on the world. I'm only glad I moved in the same direction and now we can be both children and adults together. Both of us are moving on with our lives, but we're moving on in the same direction so I don't think there is a point where we fall apart. I hope there isn't. Unfortunately, we see less of each other as we went to different colleges, but I'm glad we're still paying attention to our friendship because I think we're too good to be broken by some schedule differences. She is also smart, mostly patient and understanding. I don't know what I did to universe to give me such a friend, but I'm glad I did it. We're friends for 7 years now. That's almost half of my life (it's exactly 1/3 but half sounds better). This gives me comfort and I do believe we'll stay close for a long long time. There's so many memories and as I'm writing this, I'm getting flashbacks and I'm constantly smiling. I love our moments together. There are lots of pictures (maybe too many for normal standards) of our time, but nothing is as strong as feelings I get when thinking about our friendship. I hope you're lucky enough to find somebody like I've found my friends. Also, I hope Dora has similar feelings and thoughts as I do. If not, this post is useless (haha).

So, without further ado, I love you.

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Yes. And that's why we love them.

My grandparents - dad's side

Intro post here, all others under the label "Family and Friends".

You've had the opportunity to read something about my grandparents from my dad's side here, here, here and here. Yes, they were the ones living at my place for some time. So, as I have already written almost all I need to write about them, I'll keep this short. They left my father and his sister about 25 years ago and moved to another country. Since then, I've seen them three times. (I was to little one time, so I only remember two times.) My father and my aunt go every few years to their place for just a few days. The rest of the family never goes because we don't feel like it. We do not need to see them. They left and they don't keep in touch. Basically, they're strangers to me, my brother and our cousin. We talk every two months (if!) and I have no idea what to talk about. The call lasts about a minute and it's the most awkward minute. We usually talk about weather (great topic, right?) and what's new (there's never anything new). I don't even like to talk about them. I have nothing to say. I don't know if they're alright or not, I don't know what they're doing,... I know nothing. And, weirdly, I'm perfectly fine with it. I am aware of my father and aunt being sad about this topic so we don't even bring it up. If it's brought up by accident, they know how we feel and that we do not owe them anything. What we have with them is not a family relationship. We're basically acquaintances. What pisses me off the most is them trying to blame all of us for not visiting. We invited them lots of times, to visit, to go to our shore apartment or whatever. They never wanted to come. How is that out fault? And one more reason for them to cross the border and not us is the fact they are retired and they don't do anything. How am I supposed to quit college, job or anything else and just go? I don't want to go, but if I wanted this would be pretty hard to do. So, even though the title is "my grandparents", I wrote about two strangers. And I can't say much about people I don't know. So, here you go. One weird family relationship.

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Who are you, again?

My friend Joan

So, I'm continuing describing people around me. (You can find intro post here and all others under the label Family and Friends on the right.)
Today, I'm gonna write about my best friend Joan. There's so much I can write so I hope I'll manage to fit everything into this post as I don't want it to be too long. So, I've met Joan in the first grade of high school; so we were both freshman in the same grade. We sat together by accident and we remained like that till the last day of our senior year. I can't really remember how we started talking about the big things, but I guess we both felt like we can trust each other. I think the fact that we were together for 8 hours every day and we still went for coffees almost every day, and we hung out on the weekends and holidays too, says enough about us loving being together. Of course we see each other less now as we went to college, but that didn't affect our friendship at all. I love the fact that we both cherish our friendship and that we make an effort to really spend time with each other. We lived together for a week on a school trip and we spent summers together without any weird vibes. I honestly think we never had a fight! Big one, small one, any kind of fights. We disagree sometimes, but that's perfectly normal and I love it how we can talk rationally even if we're not on the same page. That sometimes makes the friendship even more interesting. The only thing I regret about her is me not being there for her on our school trip. She was having a fight with some other girls and I wasn't by her side. Now, she says she doesn't mind because I was sick and kinda dying in the bed but I still feel I failed her. It's been 3 (or 4?!?) years since that and I still think about it a lot. So, I should have said this in person a long time ago, but: I'm sorry Joan. That's the only thing I don't like about us and that's not even her fault so I could say I have a perfect friend. She is stubborn, sassy, sarcastic, funny, caring, down to earth. Optimist, pessimist and realist all in one. She is the one I can call about anything and she'll give the best possible response even if she couldn't care less about the topic. Of course, she, like everybody, has flaws but I don't care about them. I also never said this in person, but she's my sister. When I'm comfortable enough to tell her all about my family or myself, to sit with her 6 hours outside on a freezing cold day (because we're stupid, no other reason), I think I can call her my sister. I'm so looking forward to spending 100 more years with her and to all the summers and birthdays we're going to spend together.
Now, I wanted to write this in a way that she would cry in the end (if she ever reads this) and think: "I'm so loved here". Because she is. You are Joan. ♥ But I obviously didn't succeed, but what the hell ;)

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I really do love you! ♥

My aunt and cousin

You can find my previous posts about my family on the right under label "Family and Friends" on the right. Today I'm gonna write about my aunt (dad's sister) and her son.

Hmm... My aunt. Oh boy, she's a complicated one. She is really a kind and giving person, really opened and outgoing. Although this sounds great, people who know her (like really know her, like me) know that she comes of as pushy and all-over-the-place person. She's kinda seducing every man out there (she's divorced) and it's so awkward to watch that. But! If you see her for the first time, you would probably think she's great, really communicative and polite. Anyhow, for quite a long period of time she was like my second mother. I think she always wanted a baby girl too, so I was her baby girl. We went shopping together, went out for lunches and stuff like that. I don't think there's anything that she wouldn't do for me (and my brother and her son, of course). With me being older now, I do sometimes get embarrassed and bored just because she walks around dressed like she's 20 (she is 50) and she talks about the same things over and over again and she mixes topic really fast so I can barely keep track of what she's actually saying. Other than that, I really love her. She's always there if I need her, always ready to help and always in a mood to keep you company. So that's her.

My cousin, however, is a different story. Me and him never actually had the cousin-cousin relationship. He used to play with my brother when they were little; but I was too little to play with them. So, once I grew, he stopped coming over and I think that's why we never actually connected. Now that we're both 20 something, it's hard to start over. We do talk sometimes, mostly when I go to visit my aunt and he helped me with my college stuff and we sometimes spend the holidays together and stuff like that. But I will always regret not having a Will-Smith-Prince-of-Bel-Air kind of cousin. And I know there's a way to fix this; I could send a message, try to meet up or something but I'm thinking this would be too awkward. And I don't think he thinks of me as his company, so... I'll leave it like it is. It's OK that we're good and the rest is not that important I guess. As my aunt wished for a girl next to her son, I wished for a female cousin too. Is that wrong?

Do you have cousins? How's your relationship with them?

There are no pictures for cousins. Not any that I liked.

My grandparents - mom's side

Hello :)

So the saga continues... You can find my previous posts about my family on the right under label "Family and Friends" (So far, I've written about my mom, dad, brother and friends with whom I've grew apart.)

So, my grandparents... Where to start about the people who were actually more like your parents first part of your life? I was with them most of the time before I started school as my mom and dad worked and my grandparents were retired. (God, I miss those times...) Anyhow. My grandma. She is generous and really hardworking woman! She holds everything together, she manages everything. And I admire her for that. But! She thinks she is the smartest person on the planet; she knows everything. I'm not saying she's stupid, but there are things she knows nothing about and still tries convince everybody she's right. And that's so freaking annoying. She is also a bit racist and can't really stand any other religion than ours. (I said a bit racist because she dislikes every other race but wouldn't say anything to people or wouldn't throw anything at them. Get it?) This is so wrong, I know, but it's hard to change old people's opinion after 70+ years. As she gets older, she gets more flaws. She thinks a lot about her past and you can see she is deeply hurt by some things that happened a really long time ago. I think that defines her more than anyone thinks. She tries. And now, my grandpa. Oh, wow. He really had a tough life. He finished 4 high schools just because his family couldn't afford him going to college and he was such a great student. This brings tear to my eyes every time I remember it. Also, going to see his family always reminds me of what he had to go through to get to school/town. He grew up in a small wooden house with 8 more brothers and sisters. They had to get up around 5 o'clock every morning to take care of the animals (village stuff) and to get to school by 8. His 2 brothers were killed in a war, his sister drowned. So far, he lost 6 of his siblings. Now, when I think about hard life - he's lived it. And, after all of this, he's the sweetest person ever! He's loved by everyone. And he really should be. Not to get all mushy, I love my grandparents, of course. They would give anything for me and my brother. And my mom, of course. They try so hard to make us happy and I feel so bad for not spending more time with them, but over the years they became so hard to be around. They fight a lot and they're stubborn as hell. So, I don't really like spending 2 weeks alone with them as I used to. So, that sucks and I hate myself for not calling that often, but I do hope they know I love them. A lot.

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I love you.

Friends in the past

I'm going to write a bit about my friends from my past. Most of us just grew apart, but since we once had some kind of relationship, I can not leave them out of my Family and Friends series (link is to the intro post about this).

• Martha. She was once my best friend. I met her the first day of my elementary school. It didn't take us long to realize we were very much alike. Even though we spent every day together, true friendship was born around 4th grade (we were 10 or 11). We went everywhere together. I was more at her place than my own. We went all the way from walking with our dolls to make-up, boys and going out. Eventually, she changed and, I have to be honest, I didn't like the change. We still remained good friends with more visible dislikes more often. We finally parted somewhere in the first grade of high school (freshmen as you would say). I seriously think I need to call her.
• Petra and Joseph. They are brother ans sister. They are younger than me but we grew up together. They live in a village where my grandparents live so we spent every summer, winter and occasionally some other seasons together. It didn't matter that we haven't seen each other for the whole school semester because it was like I never left. We were together every day from 8 a.m. till 10 p.m. The only time I wasn't at their place was during lunch (if their grandma cooked something I didn't eat). Eventually our families got in a huge fight and we were kinda caught up in all that. Unfortunately, we haven't seen each other for about 7 years now. I still think about them. A lot.
• Antonija. (It's Anthony, only female.) She came into my class in the 5th grade if I'm not mistaken. She was the opposite of me. She was wild, kinda rude, a smoker, a bit of a darker,... I have no idea how, but we got really close. We could talk about almost anything. But our friendship was a bit weird, so to say. And then we got to high school. We haven't talked since.
• Mathea. She was my first best friend in my life. Those were the times when a doll and some leaves were enough to make us interested. We could make a game out of anything. We were about 7 to 9 years old when we hung out. I would go to her place very often. I still remember how her living room looked. What now puzzles me is whether she lived only with her grandma. At that point, I was too young to connect the dots or ask something like that. But now, as I remember it, I remember only her grandma always being around. She transferred to a different school in the time when we didn't have cell phones or Facebook or anything like that. I had her phone number only. I tried it few times and then gave up. I have no idea what's happened with her. (And I tried to find her on social networks. I didn't succeed.)

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I don't want to accept it.

My father

Hello :) Intro post about all this is here.

So, my father... This should be a 1000 pages post to really explain what's going on here but I'll try to keep it simple. I was daddy's little girl for about half of my life (10-12 years); until I hit puberty. Now, I'm not saying that I started bi*ching around when I did hit puberty, but I started to see some things I didn't used to before and I started to think with my own head more. And my father apparently did not like it. That's where we started parting out ways. Everything he did annoyed me, everything I said annoyed him. We fought a lot. A lot! I cried for about 4 nights in a week. For sure. It was hard living like that. Knowing that my own father dislikes the real me. That he dislikes the fact that I'm standing up for myself and trying to explain who I am and what I do and don't like. He basically didn't like anything about me. Now I'm thinking it was either because we really were that different or because he didn't want me to grow up. I guess it could be a bit of both. Anyhow, we're far away from it and it's looking better now but I have a feeling that we'll never be as we used to. I can not go back with everything I know now. There are some things he does which I really can not approve and that won't change. And I can't change myself. I won't. I see him as a hypocrite and that's so annoying. I can not live with that and I have to. So I do my best. The good thing is I see him trying. He is trying to reach me, he's trying to find some common ground. And it's hard for me but I have to help him here. I don't want to live with somebody in a constant war. Me having some interests the same as him (e.g. riding a motorcycle) is helping our relationship. I think the major issue was the fact I was scared of him. He had so much power over me just by talking. When he raised his voice I immediately started crying. It was horrible experience. One of the worst feelings I ever had. Good thing is that I'm overcoming my fear. It has been happening over some years now and I'm more and more satisfied with my life and my decisions. I'm not afraid to stand up for myself anymore. More or less. I actually think he's proud of me now. Every now and then, I get this vibe from him and that makes me extremely happy. It is the best feeling after all that we've been through. The time will tell but I really hope we're done with all the sh*t.

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My father. Oh boy...

My mother

Here's a second post to my Family and friends theme. Intro post here.

So, my mom. She is my sunshine. That should be enough to describe her. She is always there for me. She is always on my side, no matter what. I know that it's not easy for her every time to do that, that's why I appreciate it even more. Of course, we have arguments (fights sounded so harsh) every now and then, but we make peace really soon. Maybe it's because we're so connected and we can't live one without another. She annoys me, I annoy her. And we still love each other. That's how it goes. The truth is, she is my (and the whole family's) rock. We couldn't make it without her. She keeps everything in order. She does everything and she does it the best she can. And we do not give her enough credit. It's like she is supposed to clean, cook, go here and there, do this and that... But she's not. She does that and she says she doesn't mind but I know her. She would rather be cuddled in bed watching TV. We are certainly not saying "Thank you" enough. I'm trying to change myself in that way, but it's hard after all these years (I know how this sounds right now and this probably makes me a terrible child). She is so modest, simple, calm,... She is everything that is good. She is independent, not shy at all, strong, caring, understanding,... I know this is mostly every mom, but from my point of view, this is her. And she is so proud of me. I can feel it. The only thing that scares me is that she has this big expectations for my future and I'm afraid I will not be able to accomplish everything she wants me to be. (To be clear, she wants me to succeed in my college/job, have a family,... Basically everything I want.) I'm always trying to prepare her that my future might not go as we all planned and it's like she won't even accept the possibility. On one hand, I understand she doesn't want to give up the idea of me being great, but on the other, she needs to realize that life doesn't go by plan. The hardest thing to deal with is my mom crying. I don't see her often, I think I only saw her crying like 5 times in my life, but those times are really the hardest. Being a rock all the time can't be easy. She has to break some time. But I can't handle it. I won't accept it. Also, her being sick. How can a mom be sick?!? Not to make this a post too long, I'll wrap it up with only one sentence: Thank you, mom! Love you.

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Gotta love mom!!

My brother

Hello. This is first of my series posts about my relationships (intro post here).

I'll start with my favorite person in the whole wide world. My brother. If you have been reading my blog, I've mentioned him before. He is ambitious, smart, dedicated, persistent, loyal, outgoing, caring,... It seems like I could go on forever here. Of course, he gets on my nerves every now and then, as I'm sure I get on his. And that's perfectly fine. There is no relationship without a bit of arguing, right? He is my, to put it in just two words, role model. I often catch myself wanting to be him, wanting his life. Not so much because I'm unhappy with my own, but because his is better. (Please don't start with "love your life" and "you are you and you shouldn't be anything else". I know it; I'm just expressing how much I admire him). And here go my fears. I am worried that he doesn't think of me as high, I am afraid that I'm letting him down. I can not really express this the right way; if you have siblings you should be able to understand the need to impress them. Since my brother is really athletic (among million other things), I'm afraid that me being a bigger girl is making him, not really not proud (but that also), but uncomfortable. What more makes him uncomfortable, I think, is the fact that I'm total opposite of him when it comes to meeting people and being in groups. I'm the quiet one and I don't know really how to start a conversation or how to really be a part of a group. And he is the sweetest and invites me to hang with his friends. What is even weirder, I like them. I really like those guys and I have a feeling they like me too. And I still don't know how to be normal. Anyhow, not to make this about me... I love my brother. That's actually all that matters. Even if I'm not he's favorite person, like he is mine, that's fine. I also hope that we'll never grow apart. I know there will come a point in our lives where we will (hopefully) live with our own families but I still want us to be able to talk every day about random things, to be able to go somewhere and have a good time. When it comes to my brother, you could say I'm possessive. Not in a creepy ways (I don't think anybody notices it) but in a way where I think about just being the two of us for a while. That's why I have trouble with his girlfriends (not that I have ever shown them anything, I just have some thoughts...). Anyhow, this could go on forever if I picked only few favorite moments but let's keep it, more or less, short.

If you have siblings, please feel free to comment your relationship.

Till the next post, bye :*

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True story.

Family relationships

Hello :)

I started writing a post about my family members and my relationships with them. As I wrote about half of my family, I realized that it's not enough to write two or three sentences about people who I care most about. And who care most about me. They all deserve a post to themselves. Even though there are bad moments in family, they need to be properly described. As do good ones, too. I will have separate posts for my brother, mother and father, than joined posts for my grandparents from my mother's side and grandparents from my father's side. Also there will be one post about my aunt and my cousin, her son. Then I'll maybe make just one post for all my other family members and what family means to me and what I feel about family in general.

As I believe that some people just become your family over the time, I will have to write about my fiends too. I have few people in my life that I love as my brothers and sisters and they deserve to know how I feel about them. Also, there are those whom I loved once and then we grew apart. They also deserve a post. One joined post because, unfortunately, there is too many of these people.

In the end, there are those, in my life just few of them, who I don't like any more. Now because we grew apart, because they did stuff I can't forget, stuff I can't forgive. Or they didn't deserve to be forgiven. There are always like this. Or I'll just mention few moments when my "friends" betrayed me and made me feel like I'm nothing.

Since this is going to be an ongoing series of posts, I will use tag "Family and Friends". This will be visible on right side of my blog, under "Labels". Click on it and you will be transferred to all my posts with that tag. I hope you will have the time to read as I hope you'll learn something from them. Or at least realize that you are either lucky (if you have normal relationships, happy ones) or not alone (if you have trouble with your relationships).

**Have in mind that this will be probably my most personal series of posts so far.

That's all :)

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