28 February, 2017

Struggling with college and work

It's been a long time since I wrote something real here, so I'm back. And I'm all over the place cause I want to tell you everything and I'm not really sure what that everything is. Weird. Anyhow... As you all know, I'm a student at college/uni. And my family is kinda going through a tough time with money and I know I'm not easy to work with when it comes to money. I've never spend more than I thought was acceptable and I do know all the hard work that is behind that money. I don't take money for granted, but I do like a lot of stuff and I like buying and having them. For that reason, I want to get some part-time job to earn my own money and to stop being a burden to my parents. However, it's not that easy. There are some jobs that I really don't want to do (waitress, promotor and call center), but usually that's the only thing they offer. OK, there are other jobs too, of course. But (!) I can't do any of them. Not even the ones I don't want to do. Why? Because I'm a full time student and, at my college, that means I have to be there for 8 or more hours plus 2 hours of traveling to and from college. Like today, I have 5 hours of college, but in the middle of the day so I can't do the morning shift nor the afternoon shift. And it's so freaking frustrated. And if you want to comment something like: "Who really wants to work will find something." or "These are just excuses.", I ask you not to. Really. Because I'm actually trying hard to manage college by itself and getting a job with it is just so hard.
OK, I had more to say about this, but I think I've been scammed over the phone and I'm so distracted and nervous about it. I can't think about anything else right now...

24 February, 2017

Today: 24.2.2017.

Doing: went to college, watched YouTube bloggers/vloggers, ate - I basically did nothing.
Mood: great!!!!
Favorite person: my friend Matt - you're not even surprised by this anymore, right?
Thinking about: how I need to workout today and I really don't feel like it, how I haven't written anything here as I've been so busy, how annoyed I am with my family eating my favorite cake
Missing: going out - I was out recently with my friends and I had such a great time I want to do it every single day
Loving: that I'm getting a fresh start on Monday and that I'll be home alone in just few hours
Hating: rain that thought it's OK to come back even though I'm already in my spring mood
New discovery: coloring actually makes me relax and forget about everything
Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Love (this was trending on YouTube so I checked it out)

05 February, 2017

Storytime: This dream still haunts me

Hey. Welcome to my second story. So, this happened few weeks ago, but I guess it was so strong that I still think about it on daily basis.
Note: Have in mind this was a dream and it did happen quite a long time ago so I won't remember all the details. This note was written last. I also wrote this for two days cause I couldn't do it without crying. I wrote about 2 sentences in a row before crying. I had long pauses to calm down. Maybe it's all over the place. I don't know.
So I dreamed that my parents were asking me about my college grades and exams and, as usual, I said it was all good without long explanations. Then they asked me why I'm not going out with my friends, why I'm not in a relationship. I just smiled and said I don't know. There were some other questions before I snapped. Now I remember my speech so here it is. "Because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself, of what I do, of what I like, of what I look like. I'm scared to go outside. I'm ashamed that I'm over 20 and I look like this. And I can't cook, dance, drive or do anything a "normal" person my age should. I'm afraid that my friends think I'm stupid cause I don't follow politics or sports. I'm scared cause I have no self-esteem to pull me back up. So I hold it in. And you have no idea. It's scares me that I'm over 20 and I have no idea what I'm doing. But most of all I'm scared that you're ashamed. I'm scared that I'm not making you proud. I'm scared that nothing I do is good enough. Like I'm not meeting your expectations. And I want to. I'm really trying. But yes, I'm ashamed of myself. And you have no idea. I'm sorry."
And then I woke up.

I know this was just a dream and, as most dreams are, this was so random and probably not even related to the fake questions my parents were asking. I have no idea how this came up, but the fact that I woke up in tears and really disturbed, the fact that I'm still disturbed 2 weeks later and that I cried during writing this tells me this is the truth. And I do believe that most people my age do have this thoughts every now and then because, let's be honest, we have no idea what we're doing with our life. I can still hear myself yelling "I'm ashamed!" in my dream.
Note: Not to worry. I'm not depressed and I'm not this bad all the time. This hits me every now and then. But when it does, it's pretty bad.
Any similar thoughts? How old are you? Can you manage life?