Storytime: I'm going clubbing!

I've decided to share one 'night out' story with you. If you've been reading some of my older posts, you know I'm kinda socially awkward, with very few friends, I almost never go out like clubbing (last time I was there was 4 years ago?). With that being said, I kinda went out with people that are not even my best friends. To fill you in a bit about our relationship, I'll just say we are good and we hang out at college, but we've never been out together. We rarely even have coffees together. To make it more not my style, there were some other people invited which I don't even talk to (not because we're not in good terms, we just never started a conversation and we don't have many topics beside college to talk about either). I have no idea why I said 'yes' to this, so not my thing!

Last night started pretty OK, casual with lots of drinks and laughing. Although I didn't make some connection with these other people, I wasn't uncomfortable and I just tried to have a good time. The night was going great. Music kinda sucked, but it was all in all alright. Then we ran into more people I didn't know (and at some point I was left with a group of totally unknown people) and some people I really really really (!) dislike. Immediately, I felt nervous. I felt like I'm not myself anymore and like I'm thinking about my every move and how they're gonna see me and what they're gonna think of me. So there was that. Then, after few very awkward moments I wish not to share even here, my group decided to go home. A girl I met just 20 minutes ago was left alone cause everybody left to the toilet so I stayed with her. My friends and I had a misunderstanding so they actually left me there. However, I left after about half an hour. There are two reasons why I stayed "so long": music was really great and I haven't been in a club for 4 years! So yeah.

I know I haven't given you many info about this night, but I wanted to share how my evening went from "this is gonna be a great night after all" to "God, why?" in just few hours. I know I have this problem where I overthink everything and I care about other people's opinions way too much. But that's me. Every time I go anywhere, I know this will be the case. It's just a matter of my mood and mostly people around me how that event will go.

• ♥

Do you have any clubbing stories you'd like to share?

First, let me take a selfie...

OK, this song is so freaking annoying and thank God it's not popular anymore. Also, I always prefer pictures of myself taken by others than selfies, but this was a better title. I think.

So... I just got from coffee and a winter walk with my friends and they're sending me pictures of myself so here's my topic. It took me about 20 years until I learned to like myself. And I didn't write love for a reason. But, there are still times where I think the worst of me and there are also those times when I think I'm the queen. A lot of people don't know, and I include my family and friends into this, I have a really really low self esteem. My close ones maybe don't realize that cause I'm pretty comfortable with them so I don't show it as much, but I usually feel less something (I was going to write worthy, but that's a strong word, so I don't know). And I don't go out much and I don't have many friends. So, there are times when my friends and I get together for coffee, walk, movies... whatever. And then I usually go full glam with hair, make-up and clothes. And I kinda push them into taking pictures. For two reasons. I really want to have pictures with them because I love them and I want memories of most random days. But there's also a reason of me looking good there. And I keep all photos of myself in one folder. I usually go there when I'm feeling really down to remind myself that I'm worthy, that I do look good, that I look pretty when I smile, that I deserve it all. As egoistic as this may sound, with self esteem like mine, I need to remind myself of these stuff. And now that I have Instagram, I post some of the pictures. I do not need likes or comments. I need to post them because if I find a picture that I'm actually satisfied enough to post, it's a win for me. Mentally. Some people can't understand it, but I find lots of negative stuff in me so something like this is a confidence boost. And I think my friends are getting tired of me asking for pictures and I don't want to tell them I need those so I could pull myself from the bottom every now and then.

Now I also have to say that most of the time I go out without any make-up, casually dressed and with a perfectly good mood and image of myself. But there are these few days a month where I feel like sh*t and I need a reminder. Also, since I started this whole thing with pictures and folder full of myself, I really think I boosted my confidence and I feel better in general. And that's a huge win!

• ♥

Movie review: Billionaire Ransom (2016)

Note: Plot has spoilers (obviously, duh), but you can read all the rest without me revealing anything.

Info: Billionaire ransom (somewhere called Take down) is a 2016 movie starring Jeremy Sumpter as a lead role of Kyle Hartmann, Pheobe Tonkin as Amy Tilton and Ed Westwick as Billy Speck. Although Kyle is the lead character, there's a group of his new friends and enemies that the plot revolves around. This action, adventure and crime movie is 1 hour and 47 minutes long.

Plot: Kyle is a rich kid that gets himself in trouble when he crashes his car after getting slightly drunk at the party where he met Amy. He gets out, but leaves Amy to die. His father takes care of everything as Amy survives, but sends him to Scottish camp designed especially for rich children that need to learn how to grow up and take responsibilities. Once Kyle gets there, he meets more rich kids who all learned to live by the rules there. There's also Amy who tells everyone what he did although Kyle swears he doesn't remember what happened that night. After finally realizing that he can't beat the system there, Kyle starts acting by the rules and actually starts enjoying his time there. Amy also points out that she is free there for the first time ever. Suddenly, a group of criminals, with Billy as a leader, invades the island and takes everybody as hostages, except Kyle who wasn't in the room when they barged in. Kyle then runs away and figures out a plan to rescue his new friends after seeing all guards are dead. After rescuing his friends, group splits into two and they start a war against these criminals. Some of them actually kill some criminals. However, they often get into life and death situations. Amy also saves Kyle's life. While taking care of hers wounds, Kyle kisses Amy. When the plan to disable Billy and not kill him goes wrong, there's a final fight between Kyle and him. Kyle eventually throws Billy off a cliff and Billy dies. In that time, parents of the kids, who were blackmailed for one billion dollars ransom the whole time, come with the police. It turns out Amy's step-father arranged the whole thing so he could get the money she inherited from her late father.

My impression: I really liked this movie. I always love when characters change for the better so I loved that here too. I also really liked the romance part here which is very subtle and short, but sweet. I also didn't feel like it's almost 2 hours long. Somehow it seemed a lot shorter as there's always some action in the movie. What I didn't like were all parts when we're drawn back to their parents. Their plot was kinda boring and not that necessary. It also breaks all emotions and intensity of the plot on the island.

Recommendation? Comments on imdb say people really like it. I know I did. You would probably think it's Chuck Bass against Peter Pan, but I see something more here. There's some progress in young guy's mind and there's a good message how you can accomplish something if you work as a team. Also, all racial and status problems are resolved as the time passes and how this group evolves. Also, I liked watching Jeremy the whole time.

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Did you watch this movie? Please tell me your impressions if you have or if you will!

"There's 2 types of people in the world" challenge

I wrote a post here 2 months ago. I didn't think it was that long.

Since I finally sat down and decided to write here, I came up with a challenge to put myself in some of the categories in "there's only 2 types of people" sayings. The rule is that I have to put myself in one category even if I'm in the middle. So I really have to think about myself and decide which one I am more. I did something similar in my post Typical girl vs. me so check that out too. Let's go.

• wearing a bra vs. not wearing a bra - wearing it

I can't understand girls/women who can't wait to take off their bra. I sometimes fall asleep with it and don't mind at all. I also feel really weird whenever I'm not wearing it (like only when I'm in my PJs).

• manicured nails vs. non-existent manicure - manicured nails

I love my nails and nail art and all that goes with nails. I love trying out different shapes, painting them and just playing with nail polishes. Even plain painted nails look 100% prettier to me.

• girl who wears pink vs. girl who wears black - black

Not that I don't wear colors, but pink really isn't my color. But for clothes in general, I prefer black and dark colors.

• tidy room vs. messy room - tidy room

I like to have everything in its place and so I would know where something is. My room is quite small so I can't afford to be messy. And it's seriously not pretty to see a messy room.

• ponytail vs. hair falling down - hair falling down

I wear ponytails only when I'm working out (so never) or when my hair is kinda greasy. I also sometimes put it in a bun or ponytail when I'm at a concert.

• one alarm vs. 10 alarms and snooze button - one alarm

I get up at the first buzz of my phone and I never fell asleep if I know I really have to go somewhere or do something. I immediately get up and my day starts.

• eating pizza crust vs. not eating pizza crust - not eating pizza crust

I'll eat it if the pizza is fresh and the dough is still soft. However, if I'm eating the same pizza next day, I'll most probably leave the crust. Also, my mom really loves the crust so I usually leave it to her.

• sending multiple texts in a row vs. sending one text - sending one text

It depends on which platform I'm using, but I send multiple texts in only one and that's if I'm having problems with keyboard or something else. I get pretty annoyed with multiple texts.

• being late vs. being on time - being on time

I'm actually early in 99% of cases. I like to calculate some extra time in case something happens in traffic or something like that, so I'm usually at least 10 minutes early (more like half an hour).

• using upper numbers on keyboards vs. using numbers on the right - using numbers on the right

I don't know if I ever used numbers on top of the keyboard for really numbers. I got used to this arrangement and I can't go any other way.

• cutting sandwich in the middle vs. cutting sandwich diagonally - cutting it diagonally

I actually never cut my sandwiches or toasts, but if I did it, I would do it diagonally cause a toaster that we had 1000 years ago had it like that so I thought that was the only proper way.

• iOS vs. Android - Android

I never used iOS (so an iPhone) and I immediately went from those old phones to Android smart phone so I'm so used to it by now I can't imagine using anything else.

• full inbox vs. empty inbox - empty inbox

I read all my messages and emails so there's always some order. I don't mean empty as I have to delete everything, but there are no unread or unanswered messages.

• ketchup on fries vs. ketchup beside fries - ketchup on fries

I really don't care and it depends actually what I'm eating, but I'm more likely to put it on my fries. Dipping fries with a fork in ketchup always ends up with a fry stuck in ketchup and empty fork.

• files in folders vs. files everywhere - files in folders

When it comes to my computer, I'm really organized person. I love putting everything in designated folder and it makes my life so much easier. I can't stand desktop full of random icons.

• lunch at 1 p.m. vs. breakfast at 1 p.m. - lunch at 1 p.m.

I go to sleep really late and I get up really early. I usually sleep only 4 to 6 hours, but I'm fine so far. I also hate to waste the day with sleeping in late so I'll definitely eat lunch by 1 p.m.

• toiler paper towards wall vs. toilet paper outwards - toilet paper outwards

Since I've been raised with toilet paper always being outwards, it's normal that's the only way I can see it now. The other direction looks really weird to me and I can't use it like that.

• breaking chocolate into pieces vs. biting chocolate like a sandwich - breaking it into pieces

Whenever I eat chocolate, I almost never eat alone so I can't just bite it. Also, I never even thought of it. There are marked lines and rows and I'm going to use them.

• eating in bed vs. eating at the table - eating at the table

I can't remember if I ever ate in the bed something else than chocolate or candy. Even then I keep this food on the side table or floor and I'm never lying down, but sitting. No, I don't eat in bed.

• Batman vs. Superman - Batman

For some unknown reason, I feel very much in love with Batman. I love those movies (yes, even those that are considered crappy). Don't know why, but I'm totally a Batman girl.

I could have done more, but 20 seemed like a good number for this post not to be too long. Also, if you want to see any other category, just comment below and I'll either answer it or make a part 2 of this. Since this is a challenge, I'll tag some people, but anyone is welcome to join in. If you write this list, send me a link so I can read it.

I just Googled "two types of..." and chose some. You can do these or make up any other that you want.

I tag (don't feel obligated to do this & choose any x vs. x categories you can think of):

• Tina - Tea is for Tina
• Leta - The nerdy me
• Annie - Perception
• Annie B. - Anniens
• Saira - Through the glitter glass

That's all :) Comment which categories you're in :)

My mom is too old...

Hi.

Quick info in the beginning. My mom is 52 years old now. I'm 22. OK, now I can start.

My mom and me had the same fashion taste for quite a long time. We wear each other's clothes and we are perfect shopping duo for most times. However, she recently started to change her wardrobe because "she's too old for this". I feel stupid for even needing to say this, but here it is: anyone can wear whatever they want. Now that we know that, I also have to say that I'm a firm believer in dressing according to your age. I don't like seeing granny in mini skirts, for example. Thankfully, my mom feels the same. But it never struck me that she's now 'that older lady'. I still see her in her early 40s (she was about 35-40 when I started noticing people around me and when I transferred more into her world from being a baby). She threw away her shorts and now that we have summer going on here, she needed some light clothing. I offered my shorts and she refused as they are too short (my shorts come to mid thigh area). I was so surprised that she said she is "too old". I've been with her for 22 years and, I guess, I stopped thinking about it. Also, another thing why I don't see her as too old is because she honestly has the better figure than 22-year-old me. I'm writing this now cause the thought of my mom being old was never on my mind before she said so. Although I'm aware that she is not actually old, for me, 50s are the start of the last part of life. And that scares the sh*t out of me. I know I'm overthinking this, but I can't get it out of my head. My mom thinks she is old. And she will always be 40 to me. She'll always be in her best age, looking the best she ever did.

Anyway, not to bore you with my mom not wearing shorts anymore, I'll end it with a question. How do you see your parents? Are they getting older in your eyes? This is so weird to me. Haha.

Comment below your thoughts on this topic!

"Typical girl" vs. me

You all know how there are some things 'typical girls' do, some ways 'typical girls' look or act and there's always that "Am I the only girl who...?". Of course not. I don't even know if most girls are 'typical girls', but I'm here to compare how 'typical girls' and I are similar or different.

Note: I'm not saying doing 'typical' things is wrong or bad.

• long time getting dressed/putting on make-up

Of course I have my moments and if I really know I have the time, I'll put on my pants and then chill for about 20 minutes before putting on my shirt and this can last for 3 hours. But in general, it takes me about 10 minutes from being in bed sleeping to being fully ready to go out (and yes, I did count the time once and it took me 7 minutes from the morning alarm to me locking the doors behind me).

• eating only salads

To be honest, I don't think I eat a lot, but I'll definitely have a burger over salad any time. I do love salads and all that healthy stuff, but people who are too careful about what they eat because "they could gain weight" are ridiculous to me.

• wearing only heels

There are actually women who wear heels 24/7, but most of all you have to admire them for being able to do all the stuff  a person has to do in those shoes. I love wearing heels, but I'm also super happy in sneakers, boots, flip flops or anything else.

• not getting those hand dirty

I usually have very long and painted nails so they're my biggest problem, but nothing a good pair of working gloves couldn't protect. I often help in the woods cutting and transporting trees, mowing lawns, painting fences, feeding domestic animals and so on.

• loving only pink

You must know by now that girls do wear other colors too, right? Well, I think I own only one pink shirt which I rarely wear anyway. The last time I was properly wearing pink was about 10 years ago while my mom was still dressing me.

• overthinking

Now, here I'm definitely a typical girl. I spend hours thinking about some stupid stuff. Don't even get me started on guys and all of those situations. I honestly wish I could reduce my overthinking and to be honest, I think I did quite an improvement in regards to, let's say, 3 or 5 years ago, but it's still not there where I would want it to be.

There could be more stuff on the list (duh!), but I remembered these on the top of my head.

Girls comment below whether you're "typical" or not.

Today: 5.7.2017.

Doing: I'm currently on vacation so I'm enjoying myself - swimming, eating, watching TV, the usual, but without a worry on my mind

Mood: great!! - actually could be better, but I decided not to complain this week at least as I'm at a beautiful place, having a peaceful and fun time

Favorite person: my brother

Thinking about: getting a job next week and deciding which one I'll pick

Missing: going out - I wrote that one last time too, but I really wanna go out and party!

Loving: that I finished my college year recently and now I'm free as a bird

Hating: sun burns I got so I can barely walk

New discovery: you can get blisters from sun burn too - I thought this kind of blisters is possible only when you actually burn yourself (like on a stove or fire - done it both)

Listening to: Luis Graziatto - Something just like this (sax cover) - honestly check out his channel, these covers are touching my soul (he did a cover for Despacito too...)

Personal hygiene

Hello. It's definitely been too long since I was active here. I have so many ideas for posts and I'm going to get back to some schedule of mine here. Not to have a long, intro...

I'm not going to talk about my personal hygiene (cause why would I), but I'm going to talk about other people and how it is viewed. To make this clear, I'm going to talk about why is it important, for example, for me that my friends have a good personal hygiene. It's not. I could totally end this post here, but I see so many people raging about somebody else having a bad personal hygiene. I honestly don't care. It shouldn't bother me if my friends didn't brush their teeth, if they didn't shower after gym, if they didn't wash their hands and so on. Their hygiene is their own and, unless they're serving me meal with hands that have been in mud, I don't care what they do with their body. Maybe I'm just more tolerant to odors and filth than other people, but I'm not disgusted by these.

I'll give you just one example of my hygiene. I don't wash my hands before every meal. Shock! I know. If I'm serving somebody meal with my hands (e.g. a sandwich or something like that), I'll always wash my hands because of them. But if I'm eating alone, I can plant flowers in my garden and go and eat with those same hands. I'm not a germaphobe and I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with me. If anything, my lifestyle (sounds like I live in dirt and never shower which is not true haha) made me more resistant to germs and illnesses.

This also bugs me when people keep their small children away from all dirt. I'm not saying you should place your new born kid in mud and leave it there for a week, but as soon as they're ready (I'm not sure so I'll say few weeks/months?), let them be. They can go around on the dusty floors and they can get dirty and nothing will happen.

Back to my story. I don't get why people comment on how some people didn't shower or how they have yellow teeth. That information doesn't concern you in any way. If you're repulsed by the smell or something else, just move away.

P.S. I also don't have a problem with eating food that fell on the floor (and not following the 5 second rule which is, by the way, total bulls*it).

What are your opinions on this topic? I'd really like to know since it's a bit controversial...

Things I did before they were "a thing"

How many times were you annoyed just because something is a thing now or it's cool and you've been doing it forever? Yeah. And now you feel like a copycat just because it's a new trend. Here are 3 things I did way before they went global.

• taking pictures of food

I always love a good meal and if a plate is nicely presented, I want to take a picture of it. With the rise of Instagram, everybody is doing this, but I did it since I first got a phone with a camera. I especially want to take pictures of food if my brother is not with me cause he loves loves loves all food and I want to share it all with him.

• taking selfies

OK, in my time (feeling old), there were no front cameras and effects and filters so we improvised with mirrors and turning our phones around, but we definitely took pictures of ourselves. Of course, I didn't post it anywhere cause I didn't have Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat or any other account.

• wearing chokers

Chokers were popular somewhere in the 90s (?) and they came back in big style. However, I had a choker since I was about 10. I wore it few times in school and people were looking at me like I'm a freak so I stopped wearing it. I honestly loved chokers for about 10 years now and now I look like another victim of trends.

What are your things you did before they were a huge trend? I'd love to know that! :)

Things I spend most money on

I've written before about my wishlists and how I love this or that, but there are some things I spend more money on than others. This, however, doesn't mean I'm willing to pay more for e.g. some bag, it means I'll buy more of them. Get it? Here we go.

• bags

I buy relatively affordable/cheap bags that really last me forever cause I'm constantly changing them and not wearing one all the time. In my eyes, you can't have enough bags. They all differ in sizes, colors and shapes and I love to be prepared for any outfit and occasion.

• shoes

I really didn't realize this one cause I have quite a lot of heels which I rarely wear, but then I counted all of my shoes, including flip-flops, sneakers, boots, heels and all other models. I had 31 pair of foot wear and since then I bought few more. In my defense, all of these were quite cheap and I would never give a lot of money on something I know I'll get more and won't wear as often. The only pairs that are more expensive are my sneakers I wear 99% of the time and winter boots.

• sunglasses

I have only one pair of real sunglasses, branded. I told you I've bought my Ray Ban glasses with my first paycheck ever and I was so happy. I had to work whole month just for a pair of glasses, but I think it was worth it. Other than those, I have about 5 pairs of ordinary sunglasses from everywhere.

I think this is it. Have in mind I'm really not bragging here, I just realized this (as I was thinking about buying these cute pink sunglasses) and thought it would be fun to write it down. Also, really, I'm a student and I have no money, my parents aren't wealthy so almost all of these stuff cost around $15 - $20. Really.

What are your weaknesses when it comes to shopping? How many bags/shoes/sunglasses do you have?

TVD era has ended!

Hello. For all of us TVD fans, an era has come to an end. I'm writing this just now because I actually just watched the last episode. I've written one other post mentioning this show, but I never really talked about it. I won't go into much detail cause that would seriously be too long. I'm just gonna write down some of my thoughts. Also, have in mind I'm not a freak fan and I forgot some things, but that's OK. Also, this list has no order.

• As written in my linked post, I was on team Damon since the first scene.
• Stefan is the ultimate good character.
• Alaric and Caroline were the weirdest "couple" ever. He was their teacher at one point.
• Caroline and Klaus were great together. I loved the development of Klaus when he was with her. Also, that note in the lase episode - how cute!
• Katherine was so freaking annoying.
• I actually really liked Kai.
• Lexi and Stefan were great (friends) together. Seeing them together in the end makes me really happy.
• I missed Tyler.
• I never missed Jeremy.
• Jeremy and Bonnie were a weird couple.
• I'm so glad Matt didn't turn out to be anything supernatural.
• I'm also glad Matt got to know his history and heritage.
• Friendship between Bonnie and Damon was just great.
• Alaric and Damon were also great together.
• I'm kinda sad that Stefan didn't have friends like Damon had Rick and Bonnie.
• Stefan and Caroline were a weird couple at first, but I really liked them together.
• I loved the friendship between Damon and Liz Forbes.
• The plot with Salvatore mother was so boring and unnecessary. It only made the brothers sad. I also hated the whole "family" that came with her.
• I really liked the original family, especially Elijah (and Klaus, of course).
• Relationship between Elena and Damon since they start dating evolved so much.
• I think Damon is the character who has grown the most.
• My most memorable line is, of course, "Hello brother."
• One of my favorite scenes is when Damon compels Elena to forget when he told her he loves her for the first time and she was still with Stefan. (S02E08)
• First love scene with Stefan and Elena was more intense than first Damon and Elena moment (and I call myself a Delena fan...) (S01E10)
• I'd love to go on a road trip with Damon.
• I'd love to have a glass of bourbon with Damon.
• I never understood why Damon and Stefan haven't seen each other for 15 years before the show starts. They love each other to death.
• Couples I also liked are Caroline and Tyler, also Matt and Rebekah.
• "When people see good, they expect good. And I don't want to have to live up to anyone's expectations." (S03E19) This is the moment when Delena kinda starts, and I love the quote.
• The number of good things Damon did for Elena, Stefan and the rest of the gang that went uncredited is too big.
• That's one awesome Salvatore mansion.
• Becoming a vampire is supposed to be very difficult and painful process, yet Caroline had no problems.
• Somewhere in the season 2, Damon says he'll gladly let Bonnie die if he has to, but that friendship came out to be one of the strongest in the show.
• Damon stepping in and dancing with Elena was the cutest thing ever. (S01E19)
• Enzo and Bonnie are great together. (S07E19)
• Enzo and Damon are great together too...
• I never missed Elena. I was so glad she was gone.
• My ultimate favorite thing about this show is the love between Salvatore brothers.
• Last name "Salvatore" sounds so royal.
• One last bonus fact: I cried during last episode. Which I also have mixed feelings about - ending with narration and everybody dying?? Also, why are they all parting their ways if they can all be together after death?

There you have it - 40 thoughts on The Vampire Diaries. Thank you for 8 seasons and 171 episodes.♥

Have you watched the show? What are your thoughts?Most importantly, are you team Damon or team Stefan? #teamSalvatorebrothers

comment below :)

I know there are SO many pictures and screenshots I could have included, but we all know what has been going on through the show and this is just a small reminder of that. *pictures are not mine*

Struggling with college and work

It's been a long time since I wrote something real here, so I'm back. And I'm all over the place cause I want to tell you everything and I'm not really sure what that everything is. Weird. Anyhow... As you all know, I'm a student at college/uni. And my family is kinda going through a tough time with money and I know I'm not easy to work with when it comes to money. I've never spend more than I thought was acceptable and I do know all the hard work that is behind that money. I don't take money for granted, but I do like a lot of stuff and I like buying and having them. For that reason, I want to get some part-time job to earn my own money and to stop being a burden to my parents. However, it's not that easy. There are some jobs that I really don't want to do (waitress, promotor and call center), but usually that's the only thing they offer. OK, there are other jobs too, of course. But (!) I can't do any of them. Not even the ones I don't want to do. Why? Because I'm a full time student and, at my college, that means I have to be there for 8 or more hours plus 2 hours of traveling to and from college. Like today, I have 5 hours of college, but in the middle of the day so I can't do the morning shift nor the afternoon shift. And it's so freaking frustrated. And if you want to comment something like: "Who really wants to work will find something." or "These are just excuses.", I ask you not to. Really. Because I'm actually trying hard to manage college by itself and getting a job with it is just so hard.

OK, I had more to say about this, but I think I've been scammed over the phone and I'm so distracted and nervous about it. I can't think about anything else right now...

• ♥

Please?

Today: 24.2.2017.

Doing: went to college, watched YouTube bloggers/vloggers, ate - I basically did nothing.

Mood: great!!!!

Favorite person: my friend Matt - you're not even surprised by this anymore, right?

Thinking about: how I need to workout today and I really don't feel like it, how I haven't written anything here as I've been so busy, how annoyed I am with my family eating my favorite cake

Missing: going out - I was out recently with my friends and I had such a great time I want to do it every single day

Loving: that I'm getting a fresh start on Monday and that I'll be home alone in just few hours

Hating: rain that thought it's OK to come back even though I'm already in my spring mood

New discovery: coloring actually makes me relax and forget about everything

Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Love (this was trending on YouTube so I checked it out)

• ♥

Storytime: This dream still haunts me

Hey. Welcome to my second story. So, this happened few weeks ago, but I guess it was so strong that I still think about it on daily basis.

Note: Have in mind this was a dream and it did happen quite a long time ago so I won't remember all the details. This note was written last. I also wrote this for two days cause I couldn't do it without crying. I wrote about 2 sentences in a row before crying. I had long pauses to calm down. Maybe it's all over the place. I don't know.

So I dreamed that my parents were asking me about my college grades and exams and, as usual, I said it was all good without long explanations. Then they asked me why I'm not going out with my friends, why I'm not in a relationship. I just smiled and said I don't know. There were some other questions before I snapped. Now I remember my speech so here it is. "Because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself, of what I do, of what I like, of what I look like. I'm scared to go outside. I'm ashamed that I'm over 20 and I look like this. And I can't cook, dance, drive or do anything a "normal" person my age should. I'm afraid that my friends think I'm stupid cause I don't follow politics or sports. I'm scared cause I have no self-esteem to pull me back up. So I hold it in. And you have no idea. It's scares me that I'm over 20 and I have no idea what I'm doing. But most of all I'm scared that you're ashamed. I'm scared that I'm not making you proud. I'm scared that nothing I do is good enough. Like I'm not meeting your expectations. And I want to. I'm really trying. But yes, I'm ashamed of myself. And you have no idea. I'm sorry."
And then I woke up.

I know this was just a dream and, as most dreams are, this was so random and probably not even related to the fake questions my parents were asking. I have no idea how this came up, but the fact that I woke up in tears and really disturbed, the fact that I'm still disturbed 2 weeks later and that I cried during writing this tells me this is the truth. And I do believe that most people my age do have this thoughts every now and then because, let's be honest, we have no idea what we're doing with our life. I can still hear myself yelling "I'm ashamed!" in my dream.
Note: Not to worry. I'm not depressed and I'm not this bad all the time. This hits me every now and then. But when it does, it's pretty bad.

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Any similar thoughts? How old are you? Can you manage life?

Birthday funk?

Hello. I've had my birthday the other day and ever since I feel a bit down. I wanted to plan something for my friends to celebrate, but I struggle with money and time. Every year, my birthday comes in the time of finals and everybody is usually busy. I was going to celebrate with my friend, but he's not up for it anymore and I can't do it all by myself so that's off. I also had a great idea to spend a day at a pool with my other friends, but I can't afford it. And it makes me so freaking sad. I would usually be totally OK with lunch or dinner cause we've done that before and that's my chance to glam up and be all fancy. But since I had this idea, I can't let it go. I'm still not sure what I'll do with them. Also, the biggest reason why I feel down is the fact that birthdays suck when you're older. On the day of my birthday, I woke up at 7 a.m., the house was already empty. I went to college to write an exam, I came hope around 6 p.m. The house was still empty. My parents came home around 8 p.m. There's a lot happening in our family right now, so my mom hadn't had the time to bake a cake (and I suck at it if you're wondering why I didn't bake it myself). This is the first birthday ever (!!) that I didn't have a cake. They bought me some frozen one, ice-cream cake. And it's tasty, but it's not a real cake. And I sound like a spoiled brat, but it really made me sad. Also, they got me a Swarovski necklace (they know I love Swarovski), but it's so not me. They were buying it in a hurry and I realize that, and I will wear it proudly, but... I don't even know. Once my parents got home, we ate cake and then, 20 minutes later, I went back to studying. There was no birthday for me. And I can't even celebrate it with my friends.

There was one birthday so far that I didn't had the chance to celebrate and I still think about it (too much). And I know I'll think about this one as well cause I'm the person who wants to take my friends somewhere and I want to have a good time with them. I want to celebrate birthdays.

So much for happy...

Expectations for 2017

I did this post a year ago (read my expectations for 2016 here). I read it now and I realize I could just copy - paste the intro. Anyway, here's a list of what I wish in 2017 along with what I actually did from the last list.

• New 2017 will be better than the 2016. It has to be. Not that my year was so bad, but I tend to remember bad stuff more than the good ones, so... - This is just copied from the last year cause... I really want it to be better.
• I want to work out more. Last year I said I want to lose weight. That's also still a wish of mine, but right now I want to be more active and flexible no matter the number on my scale.
• Get a tattoo. I've postponed this one cause I heard that you shouldn't do it in summer so I'll try to do it in the first two months of 2017 when it's still cold outside.
• Start my own nail salon. I don't have a real business in mind, but I'd like to do nail professionally. I already have all the equipment and furniture and all I need to do is set it all up in my basement.
• I really wish to find a good boyfriend this year.
• As for the last year, this one is always a must-have on the list: The most important wish of mine is to become stronger, to build my self esteem. Yes, I hope I'll do that. At least that.

What I actually did from my previous list:

• I finished college.
• I got my driver's licence.
• I did some nails.

Now, this is depressing, right?

What are your New Year resolutions? Do you have any? Do you think this is stupid? Comment below!

Today: 13.01.2017.

Doing: went to college, wrote some blog posts, chatted with my friends, watched some TV shows, did a part of my college paper (gonna do some more now)

Mood: pretty good, I feel really positive today!

Favorite person: my friend Marc who sang to me this stupid kids song :D

Thinking about: how I really feel I'll make more out of this year than the last one (as I always say haha)

Missing: going out more with my friends, field trips I did in elementary and high school - I just left that from my previous post

Loving: that I'm so positive without any particular reason, today I believe everything will be OK

Hating: all this rain (!) and snow which is not really snow in the city is more like dirt and slush

New discovery: VSDC Free Video Editor - I was thinking of making some YouTube videos so I've been searching for free video editors and I can say I'm going to install this one once my laptop gets repaired

Listening to: Brad Paisley - Whiskey Lullaby (I'm actually not a fan of country music, but this is great!!)

X things guys/girls hate on girls/guys!

OK, I was postponing this post for so long, but I've just watched a video about this and I got so annoyed so here I am.

Note: I'm going to talk only about one gender (as I'm a girl and it's easier), but this totally goes the other way around too. Also, I'm gonna talk about fashion, but this goes for hair, make-up and everything else.

You know those lists "10 things guys hate on girls"? Well I just watched one regarding fashion and there were some things I hate too, but that's so not the point here. Under that video, there were so many comments saying "why should I care what guys think", "they can't say anything about my clothes" and so on. Newsflash girl!! Yes, they can comment your style. Just like you can comment theirs. There's nobody who can tell you what to wear or what not to wear. You should be smart enough to know what is appropriate and what isn't and what looks good and what doesn't. But other people can still comment if they like it or not. Because, by saying they don't like it, they don't take away your right to actually wear that. There was another video then called "10 things girls hate on guys" and girls were commenting how something is really weird and looks stupid or awful. And now that should be OK? These weren't the same girls of course (at least I didn't see any familiar name), but people can comment on other people's fashion style. I'm not saying you should totally trash somebody's style, but in these lists everything is so generalized that you're not assaulting anyone in particular, you're just stating what you do and don't like. I really hope you get the message here because this was bugging me for the past few months now (maybe more). I have the need to say that some girls take things too seriously and they go all defensive and get that "girl power" state of mind real quick. Which is not totally wrong, but have in mind this story goes for guys too. However, I haven't seen guys commenting how "they don't care what girls think" or "they don't have a right to say anything about our clothes". They mostly took it as it is - generalized list that should entertain people on YouTube.

So, guys and girls, please chill :)

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What do you think about this topic?

New year - new me stuff

Hi. If you read my previous post where I expressed my anger and disappointment in myself for basically wasting my year, this will be a sequel to it. I'm usually that type of person who thinks that just because it's 1st of January, everything will be different and this will be my best year so far. I'm also the kind of person who probably won't change a thing in my life so don't be weirded out if you read how I messed up my year in the end of 2017. Now that you all know that I'm fully aware of this, we can talk a bit about what I'm planning on doing this year.
Note: There's also a post for my 2016 plans which you can read here.

• start driving

I think I mentioned before that I got my driver's licence somewhere around March (?) last year. Since then, I've been behind the wheel once around April and that was it. In driving school we actually have a month of lectures and then few months of driving so I think I got pretty good at it (I passed, didn't I?), but I haven't drove in quite a while and we have a different car than that I learned on so I really need to adjust. I'm planning on asking my mom or brother to be my right hand for the first few drives.

• get a tattoo

I've been thinking and talking about this one for so freaking long, even I'm bored by this topic. But, to be honest, I think I'm closer to this than ever. I found a great cheap (my tattoos would be small, therefore cheaper) place which I already like (as they do hair, waxing, massages,...) and I'll ask there all about it and hopefully get before June (?).

• get a job

I know I've said this before, but I really don't have the time for a job. I'm at college for 8 every day (this varies but this is like some average calculation). With this being said, there isn't a student job that is this flexible that I could work for example only 3 hours on Monday, 5 hours on Tuesday and so on... I'll see how my schedule will look like next semester, but I really hope I'll do something about this.

• learn new language

I like to think I'm pretty good with languages and I have some which I'd like to learn (German, Spanish, Portuguese and Turkish). I don't care whether this is in a real school or some few months course or even by Duolingo... I would be pretty happy if I learn at least few common phrases.

• start my nail salon

OK, nothing big, but I do love manicures and I have a starter kit for acrylic nails and I actually already bought furniture for this last year, but I never did anything with it, so maybe this will be the year...

What are your plans? Do you have some New Year resolutions or you're not for it?

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New Year blues

OK, I really had no idea what to call this post so I gave it this title, but this really is not about the New Year. I've been feeling like this for the past few months now. Basically I feel like I have no control over my life and like I'm going nowhere. To fill you in: I'm 21, student, in Europe, living with my parents.

OK, I can start now. I've been seeing many of my friends studying abroad, exploring new cities and cultures, working, some are athletes and they have sponsorship (by the freaking Coca-Cola). People are learning few languages, doing sports, playing several instruments. With all that, they manage to keep a great social life and mostly great grades in college. And then there's me. I'm struggling with college alone and I have 4 friends I can hang out with (but they're not the same group so I have two groups of two friends). I can't get a job cause I'm at college from about 8 a.m. till 6 p.m. every day. With that said, I can't really travel or take courses cause we don't have that much money. And OK, this is maybe an excuse cause I'm also shy as hell so God knows would I ever participate in something... I got rejected from my dream job this (now last) year. Everyone is telling me not to feel sad or down, and they think I'm really OK with it as I went on with my life and education like nothing happened, but to be honest, I'm really worried. It bugs me almost every day and I think about it a lot more than I show. Also, time around New Year is always reminding me that I'm single, which I'm usually perfectly OK with, but you know... New Year... Also, I've gained weight which instantly made me more shy and self-conscious.

I just wanna live my life! I want to do so many things and I somehow can't manage it. I know that for the 99% of these issues I have it's my fault, but that's how it is. And I'm just feeling down so I wrote this.

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