05 February, 2017

Storytime: This dream still haunts me

Hey. Welcome to my second story. So, this happened few weeks ago, but I guess it was so strong that I still think about it on daily basis.
Note: Have in mind this was a dream and it did happen quite a long time ago so I won't remember all the details. This note was written last. I also wrote this for two days cause I couldn't do it without crying. I wrote about 2 sentences in a row before crying. I had long pauses to calm down. Maybe it's all over the place. I don't know.
So I dreamed that my parents were asking me about my college grades and exams and, as usual, I said it was all good without long explanations. Then they asked me why I'm not going out with my friends, why I'm not in a relationship. I just smiled and said I don't know. There were some other questions before I snapped. Now I remember my speech so here it is. "Because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself, of what I do, of what I like, of what I look like. I'm scared to go outside. I'm ashamed that I'm over 20 and I look like this. And I can't cook, dance, drive or do anything a "normal" person my age should. I'm afraid that my friends think I'm stupid cause I don't follow politics or sports. I'm scared cause I have no self-esteem to pull me back up. So I hold it in. And you have no idea. It's scares me that I'm over 20 and I have no idea what I'm doing. But most of all I'm scared that you're ashamed. I'm scared that I'm not making you proud. I'm scared that nothing I do is good enough. Like I'm not meeting your expectations. And I want to. I'm really trying. But yes, I'm ashamed of myself. And you have no idea. I'm sorry."
And then I woke up.

I know this was just a dream and, as most dreams are, this was so random and probably not even related to the fake questions my parents were asking. I have no idea how this came up, but the fact that I woke up in tears and really disturbed, the fact that I'm still disturbed 2 weeks later and that I cried during writing this tells me this is the truth. And I do believe that most people my age do have this thoughts every now and then because, let's be honest, we have no idea what we're doing with our life. I can still hear myself yelling "I'm ashamed!" in my dream.
Note: Not to worry. I'm not depressed and I'm not this bad all the time. This hits me every now and then. But when it does, it's pretty bad.
Any similar thoughts? How old are you? Can you manage life?

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