29 October, 2017

First, let me take a selfie...

OK, this song is so freaking annoying and thank God it's not popular anymore. Also, I always prefer pictures of myself taken by others than selfies, but this was a better title. I think.
So... I just got from coffee and a winter walk with my friends and they're sending me pictures of myself so here's my topic. It took me about 20 years until I learned to like myself. And I didn't write love for a reason. But, there are still times where I think the worst of me and there are also those times when I think I'm the queen. A lot of people don't know, and I include my family and friends into this, I have a really really low self esteem. My close ones maybe don't realize that cause I'm pretty comfortable with them so I don't show it as much, but I usually feel less something (I was going to write worthy, but that's a strong word, so I don't know). And I don't go out much and I don't have many friends. So, there are times when my friends and I get together for coffee, walk, movies... whatever. And then I usually go full glam with hair, make-up and clothes. And I kinda push them into taking pictures. For two reasons. I really want to have pictures with them because I love them and I want memories of most random days. But there's also a reason of me looking good there. And I keep all photos of myself in one folder. I usually go there when I'm feeling really down to remind myself that I'm worthy, that I do look good, that I look pretty when I smile, that I deserve it all. As egoistic as this may sound, with self esteem like mine, I need to remind myself of these stuff. And now that I have Instagram, I post some of the pictures. I do not need likes or comments. I need to post them because if I find a picture that I'm actually satisfied enough to post, it's a win for me. Mentally. Some people can't understand it, but I find lots of negative stuff in me so something like this is a confidence boost. And I think my friends are getting tired of me asking for pictures and I don't want to tell them I need those so I could pull myself from the bottom every now and then.
Now I also have to say that most of the time I go out without any make-up, casually dressed and with a perfectly good mood and image of myself. But there are these few days a month where I feel like sh*t and I need a reminder. Also, since I started this whole thing with pictures and folder full of myself, I really think I boosted my confidence and I feel better in general. And that's a huge win!

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