My body image journey - holding it in (part 2)

If you haven't read the first part, I suggest you do that first (Body shaming (part 1)). Moving on from the where we ended that Sunday, I was now in my 8th grade, last grade of elementary school. I don't know if it's unfortunate or fortunate for me, but we didn't go on any trips then even though our country practices 1-week school trips at the end of elementary and also high school. Now remembering my last school trip, it was awful and great. That was in the 4th grade and we went to the shore. I still remember not going into sea once, not even taking my clothes off on the beach. I had a swimming suit underneath my clothes, but I just couldn't do it. I was fuc*ing 11! I even have photos that prove that. When my mom saw it, I lied and said teacher took that photo right before I went in. I never have. And all other parts were absolutely great and I had so much fun, but this was just awful.

OK, we were ending our elementary school now and, as much as I loved it and my friends, I was happy I would get a chance to start all over. Hello, high school! In the first grade I had my best friend and I think the only reason I ever approached her was she was bigger than me. The only one that was bigger than me. So, I felt safe with her. Things happened and we stopped being friends even during high school, but she was still bigger than me. That was good news to me. Even though this seems like I'm glad someone was fat, it was not about her, it was about me. I needed shield.

I have one photo of myself in, I think, 2nd grade (sophomore year) that we now call "pumpkin photo" cause I was the fattest then and also my pose on it is just ridiculous and weird. Every time I see it, I feel so embarrassed and pissed off at myself. For all 4 years I tried to play it cool, but the truth is I was worried about my appearance 99% of the time. Whenever I stood in the hallways I was always thinking how I and my current pose looked from a different perspective. This way of thinking and living is firstly very tiring because I could rarely enjoy the moment. There were only very few people that made me feel safe. And they still do and I can't thank them enough.
Joan and Dora, I love you.

There's going to be a twist to all this in the next part. Make sure to read it ☺

See you next Sunday ♥

Storytime: I was embarrassed to talk to my brother

Wow. A year and a half passed since I wrote a 'Storytime' post. I have so many in drafts, but I can't seem to actually write them down to capture everything I want to say in a few words... Today you're getting a glimpse of when my low self-esteem and shyness started. Or when I first discovered it.

I don't remember the exact time, but I was somewhere in the first grade, maybe second. So I was up to 8 years old. My brother was then up to 12 years old. He would usually spend his free time or weekend at the school playground with his school friends. And also, these were the times when mobile phones weren't a thing everybody had.

So, I think my mom was worried or she made lunch and wanted my brother at the table or something like that. Whatever it was, she said she's going to go get him. As she had some things to do (probably that lunch), she looked at me and asked if I wanted to go. I remember it was nice warm weather, spring for sure. And I said I would go. For my at home attire, I wore a blue skirt (was it a mini-skirt?) and a dusk pink T-shirt. I still remember my outfit and I remember wearing that skirt a lot, it was my favorite.

So the idea was to get my mom's mobile phone to my brother so he could get in touch with her or I just bring him home. So, being the little diva I was, I, of course, had to get a purse for that phone. I couldn't just carry it in my hand. I still remember a silver bag my grandparents gave me and my mom's phone with the antenna. Younger generations would probably need to Google this. Anyhow, I put on my shoes, which were sparkly sandals and I was on my way.

We have about 5 minutes of walking to my school. I got close to school and saw my brother with his friends. About 6 of them were just hanging out on the bench and around it. And then it hit me. I was too scared to go down there. I stood on the top of that small hill, behind some tree so they wouldn't see me. I stood there for about 10 minutes. Probably 2 minutes, but it felt like hours were passing. Then I just turned around and went back home.

My mom asked me about my brother and I just said he was there and everything was good. I told her I never went to him. She was weirded out, but didn't say anything and just went with it. I guess she was happy enough that my brother was still on the playground with his friends.

To this day I can't tell you what actually happened then. I know I was a bit chubby, but I don't remember it holding me back that much. I also know I wore that outfit, that skirt, a lot at home and to school. I also knew all of my brother's friends... That day I just didn't feel like I could actually go between all those boys. I can still remember all my feelings and how baffled I was.

Do you have some similar memories?

See you next Sunday ♥

My sleeping problems

I've been struggling with this for years now and I thought about posting this few times and I always backed down because I didn't think it was common or important. But I just saw a tweet about it and said "fu*k it, I'm writing it down" and here we are.

It all started in college.

I was almost 18 years old when I started college. Until then, I had more or less normal sleep pattern. I did stay up longer than all my friends, but my parents always let me as long as it wasn't causing problems during the day, in school and as long it wasn't affecting my focus. I loved that. And I have to jump 10 years later, to now, and say I still need only few hours of sleep which is absolutely awesome!

But, that aside, I think I was in my second year when I noticed I had troubles sleeping. It would take me hours to fall asleep and I woke up at least 3 times during some nights. I also felt some nervousness in my body. I couldn't fully understand what was going on. I always thought it was the stress before some exams or some social things like birthdays or presentations at college. Anyhow, I didn't pay much attention to it that year. It would happen once a month or maybe even less than that, so I just brushed it off.

At that point, I couldn't take it anymore.

A year has passed and I was in my third one in college and the symptoms were just becoming worse and worse. We have exams twice a semester and in that last exam period for the semester, in February, I realized my sleeping pattern was just terrible. I was always studying at night as it's just easier for me, but I couldn't sleep when I actually went to sleep. And the weirdest part was that I was actually really tired. So, I took some pills I usually take for longer rides as I get nauseous during car rides. Unfortunately, those are quite strong so I would feel like crap all day the next day. I also took energy drinks to stay awake. This combination took a toll on me pretty fast and I realized something was terribly wrong. I couldn't live like that anymore. I was exhausted without being able to sleep.

My fiend told me her friend had the same issues and her advice was just to not take anything for sleeping. She thought I would have to crash sometime and my body would want to sleep. I thought that was a reasonable thing to think, but she didn't know the full story. I went 4 days without closing my eyes. So 96 hours. And I felt OK for some strange reason. So no, my body didn't crash. It just learned to live without sleep. Don't get me wrong, I know it would have crashed at some point for sure, but I couldn't wait for it. I still had college and exams to pass.

I got other pills.

So I went to the pharmacy, explained my problem and they gave me some pills that help you fall asleep. Now this is not a post about the pills and I really don't need advice on that. I'm not an addict, I know my body and what I can and can't handle. Now I found those pills and I have to say I still buy them, 4 years later. They are really mild and, unless I'm laying down, being all calm, they won't work. I never had any side effects either.

Surprisingly, this thing, that nervousness I feel sometimes before sleep is more common than I thought. More and more people I know have said they have it too. I have to say it happens a lot (!) more rarely than it did few years ago, but if it happens, I have my pills next to me.

So, how do I fall asleep now?

I'm sure stress college was causing helped this problem develop faster. Now that I have a normal job, I'm pretty much happy all the time, I have less issues with sleeping. However, there are also some things that I know would help me fall asleep. I like drinking hot cocoa before sleep, working out in the evening also helps. I just wanted to write this so you would know, if you can't explain your falling asleep problems, you're not alone. Also, there are pills to help you, but definitely get them at the pharmacy and ask people there what works the best.

Source: https://www.centeronaddiction.org/the-buzz-blog/sleep-deprived-teens-are-increased-risk-substance-use

How is your sleeping pattern? Do you have any issues with it? I'd love to talk about it...

See you next Sunday ♥

I want a boob job

Hello. There's a title I didn't think I would write, but I just saw a post on Twitter about boobs reduction and it sparked something in me. I was always saying how I didn't like plastic surgery and I was so against it, but I later realized it was only because I only saw the bad ones. Those were the ones I usually saw on TV or in magazines and, to be honest, back in the day, the results were just worse than today. As I said many times, medicine has evolved so much and it shows in plastic surgery too.

However, as I've grown older, I realized that there are people that refined their bodies and they looked good. Because it was a job well done. I never knew for some famous people they had anything done to their faces until I actually read it. So I'm constantly puzzled how someone can look terrible, but that's a whole other story.

To get back to my title... I've had different size boobs for years now. Drink for every 'boob' you see here... I don't know when they stopped developing and growing, but it's been bugging me ever since. I know everybody has different size boobs and our bodies are definitely not symmetrical, but I have a feeling my boobs have taken that way too loosely. In my mind they're at lest 3 cups different. In reality one is a B and other one is probably an A. It really bothers me when I go bra shopping cause I can never find the one that fits perfectly. I always have to get a B and then the other one is a bit empty and it stresses me out.

I don't think that other people notice it that much, if at all, but I've been noticing it every single day for the past 6 to 8 years. As my self-esteem is not really high, I have to find the positives, but with this issue, I can't. I just can't look away and think how it's all good when I don't feel good about them. For few years now, I've been thinking about getting a boob job.

What I've wanted for a long time now is to get this smaller boob to the size of the bigger one. That's it. I don't want anything drastic, I just want them even. And I already searched some places to see the prices and, honestly, that's probably the only thing keeping me from actually doing it. I wonder if I would get a discount cause it's just one boob? I think this procedure would take care of a few self-esteem issues. Probably, nobody would notice it cause my goal is still to wear the same bras I have now, but I would know. I need it them to be equal in size.

What are your thoughts on breast implants? Do you have some or any advice?

See you next Sunday ♥

Today: 20.11.2019.

Doing: I was dead tired from yesterday, so, instead of going for a bike ride and having an active Sunday, I've been at home all day, doing some work on my laptop. Nothing special.

Mood: OK. I don't know. I was good all day.

Favorite person: My mom. She's the only one I've been talking to today and we spent the whole day together so it had to be her.

Thinking about: I'm in a process of redecorating my grandparent's house, so I've been all in furniture and colors and dimensions. Can't wait to see the progress.

Missing: Definitely, sleep. I've had a crazy Saturday and today was no better, so I really need a weekend off.

Loving: The fact that I can be interior designer for a few weeks. This transformation will have to be within my budget so it won't be much, but I'm really looking forward to it.

Hating: That my TV broke down. I've had it for only few months and now something cracked and I can't use it anymore. I'm going to get it fixed, hopefully, next week.

New discovery: This time is not something you can use, but I discovered some amazing old furniture people are selling so I'm very much into buying those now.

Listening to: One of my favorite youtubers, Scotty Sire - What's Going On

How was your day?

These things were cool when I went to school

I went through my phone and laptop, found some old memories. I also went through my Facebook profile and remembered so many great days, events and situations. It also made me remember all the "cool" stuff we did. Now that I think of it, Facebook could have sponsored this as these are all Facebook related things that were cool when I went to elementary and high school. So about 10 years ago.

Taking a photo of someone and them making it a profile photo. This was such an honor. I know I used to take photos and post them and every caption would be "Profile?" hoping they would pick it for their profile photo. This wasn't a matter of wanting to fit in or wanting people to like me or anything like that. Everybody did it and no matter what group you were in, it was always an honor if your photo got chosen. And, of course, that person had to write "taken by xy" in the caption so everybody would know how great photographer you are.

Facebook banners. I wonder if those would still be cool if Facebook didn't remove that feature. Banners were great because you could put random photos you loved or you could download photos cut in the perfect ratio to fit your banner. It's basically the same thing as today's cover photo, but when it first came out, cropping photos was a real struggle, but so worth it when you saw your profile.

Photo frames. So many photos back then had to have some kind of a frame. Whether we would add those random that some phones had installed or those that Facebook would provide for some big event, frames were a big thing. Also, most photos had some addition. Something like Instagram story when you add hearts or stars on the photos.

Source: https://techcrunch.com/2008/09/30/new-facebook-home-page-new-facebook-tagline-means-too-many-marketing-meetings-at-facebook/

Can you remember some that were cool back when you were younger?

See you next Sunday ♥

Today: 15.4.2019.

Doing: I went to work as usual, got home and did a total declutter of my closet. I organized everything, folded nicely and threw away many items I no longer wear. Also, I worked out after quite a long time. It was a good day.

Mood: As it's now 11 p.m., I can say I spent my entire day in a really good mood.

Favorite person: I've been around so many people today that I don't know if I can choose just one. We're a team at work. But I'll chose one girl who had birthday so she brought cake which is a great bonus.

Thinking about: Nothing in particular. As my day was good, there are not any thoughts going through my mind; it usually happens when I'm stressed out. However, I'm thinking about buying some stuff...

Missing: OMG, nothing actually.

Loving: My job. My friends there. Easter coming. Spring coming. Good times are ahead of us.

Hating: Not having more free time? But that's not really a hate now... This situation is only temporary and it'll all be good soon. I'm currently hating that my laptop won't play any music, not YouTube not even music I have on it... I don't know what's going on.

New discovery: I can mount my phone on the orbitrek and I actually watched YouTube videos while working out which made it so much easier for me!

Listening to: Well, nothing as I have problems with my laptop, but I listened to Lady Gaga - Angel Down today...

How was your day?

My thoughts on "Where Hands Touch" movie

I saw this movie right when it came out and then I watched it again cause I wanted to write this post. So here are random thoughts I got while watching it.

• insinuating rape will be the punishment sickens me
• people discriminating her like this also makes me sick, but I understand it given what era it was
• it's disappointing to imagine a better life in Berlin, but then ending up in the same shit
• Gunther is a sweety
• her working should have been a way out
• I like how young Lutz wants to help his country
• she is clueless; how is her mom more aware of her being black than she is?
• just sign the damn papers
• Lutz is also very polite young guy
• that Gunther scene twisted my stomach
• their mom is teaching them good; Jews are also humans, black people too
• Lutz being proud of himself and his father putting him down is not OK
• the woods scene is cute; he is sweet and supportive
• everybody is so confused there are black people in the world
• Lutz really wants to go to war
• OK, you are German, but you're still different and you can't be so blind
• OMG the hands touching scene and the kiss was so emotional
• her mom is so sweet for waiting; she is so worried
• her brother being transformed into Nazi and hating his sister is the worst
• I wanted to kill the man who burned her papers of being German
• his father is obviously smart about this war; just get through it however you can
• them being so nervous together in his house is so cute and obviously a sign of spending the night together
• so he hates Jews, but still think they should just move away or be useful working for the country and not be killed - that's good, right?
• I don't know what to think about him lying about being a virgin
• she is so in love with him
• he is so sweet to follow her home and protecting her
• her mom is so strong, I really felt that when they took her
• their aunt and uncle didn't want to take them, but they took her little brother in because he is white - great parenting...
• I will forever be confused how women could be such bitches to other women
• this ashes scene was heart breaking
• him being in the same camp was expected
• and her being pregnant was also expected
• it's a good thing he can now protect her, but also has to play tough
• he is so ashamed to be there, but also just wants to survive this war
• even though he is aware of everything, he is so happy to be a father
• him threatening that girl is so weird, but also necessary
• oh now she realizes she is black? OK, but is still stupid about it
• I feel so bad for him actually
• his father is also a good guy, knowing basically everything and still keeping quiet for his son's sake
• seriously, you two have come so far to act this stupid. Couldn't you two just meet quietly? It's a mess there and probably nobody would notice. Or he could have asked for her to be his servant or a whore or something just to get her. His father could have asked as he had a higher rank.
• and OMG the ending is so great I cried

Source: https://www.bfi.org.uk/news-opinion/sight-sound-magazine/reviews-recommendations/where-hands-touch-amma-asante-interracial-love-story-nazi-germany-world-war-2

All in all, I loved the movie. It's typical romance-war-forbidden love type, but I love those. With all happening in the movie, I can't help but think why did her mother give birth to her? She seems like a smart woman, she knew this would be happening and she should have known better that they all would be in a lot of trouble! Also, I love how fearless Leyna is, but she is also quite stupid in her actions. You have to realize you're different. It sucks and it's not fair, but if you know the situation, just keep quiet. Also, second to last thought I had is basically my main issue with this movie. I know I always need a happy ending, but I certainly didn't expect this. I was so surprised who died and how...

Have you watched it? What do you think of the movie?

3 things people hate and we need in life

Scrolling through Internet and social media, I see a lot of complaining. I also love how people are either "I absolutely love this and my life and everything is great and we need to be positive about everything!" or "This all sucks and life has no meaning and everything everybody does needs to be judged and buried." I'm somewhere in the middle, I hope with the majority of people, and I think there are two sides to 95% of situations and I can usually see both of them. That's why I made this list of things I know people generally hate, but don't realize we actually need them.

Making people socialize more. OK, there are introverts, shy people, socially awkward. I would say that I'm a bit of these myself. I don't really like meeting new people, I don't think I make good first impressions because I'm awkward and I always overthink everything, especially in conversations with new people. So I definitely see the struggle. However, I also think those people, people like me, need to be pushed to some extent to go out more, to socialize more. Internet is helping a lot with people being able to chat and meet new people without being uncomfortable, but it's also making people less sociable in a way. Most people can't even communicate without their phones and emojis. If you need an example, I shared my story on NYE from hell to the best NYE which I actually experienced few times now and I can't emphasize enough how important was that little push to actually go out.

i'm so bad at talking to people. i feel like while i'm listening to someone my brain is doing this unnecessary multitasking, trying to process what they're saying and overthinking how i'm going to respond ahead of time instead of just responding naturally.

— scottysire (@ImNotScottySire) February 19, 2019

Unlimited technology. I'm not saying we should ignore it all together and technology is bad... On the contrary, I love technology and how it's making our lives easier by the day, especially in medical purposes and that will never stop to amaze me. However, there are stuff like self-tying shoe laces that made me think how stupid is technology making us. I get it we'll do everything to save time, but I actually know some teenagers who can't tie their shoes. They always got these shoes (which I don't know how they're called so you got a photo; if you know the name of this closing please comment below) and now they have those self-tying or zip-ties shoes or sock-shoes or whatever and they're just clueless. I also had a friend who was 17 at the time and she didn't know how to read the analog watch. I strongly believe she still doesn't know and she is 24 now. There are some things everybody should know even though we have more modern things now.

Math. As far as I am aware of, math is globally most hated subject in all schools. To be honest, it's my least favorite subject also, just because I really don't understand most of the advanced stuff we had to learn. It's too abstract for me. I hated physics too, but that I can imagine and know what I'm actually doing and calculating. I had math for 8 years in elementary school, 4 years in high school and 2 years in college. I hated the college math, but I'm also glad I had it and now I can say I know just a bit more than "ordinary" people who didn't take that class. It's not like I'll need it in my job, but learning is never a bad thing. However, when people complain about elementary or high school math, it's crazy to me. It's usually just the basics of everything math covers and it's honestly not that hard to learn. But also, I think it's embarrassing when grown people don't have a clue how to multiply on paper. I know we have calculators smarter than all of us and I'm grateful we have them, but you all should know some basics.

Source: http://theconversation.com/mathematics-forget-simplicity-the-abstract-is-beautiful-and-important-91757

Would you add anything to the list? Feel free to continue mine :)

Why have I gone missing on the Internet?

First of all, does anybody else write the word "Internet" with the capital letter? I remember my elementary school teacher saying this is the correct way and I've been writing it like this ever since... I'm pretty sure it's not necessary, but it's my habit now. Do you have any things like this that you do and feel like nobody else does?

This all indicated I had no time to rest at all this week.

Wow, this was a random beginning, but hey, I needed to start somewhere, right? So, I don't know whether you follow me anywhere and if you even noticed, but I've gone completely MIA on pretty much every social media platform. I haven't even turned on my laptop in 5 days which is a big thing because I don't usually do Internet stuff on my phone and I watch some TV shows on my laptop too. This all indicated I had no time to rest at all this week.

I've been employed only a week now and my body can't handle it anymore.

And why is this, you ask? Well, times are changing and I'm becoming an adult which is still weird and it feels like it came out of nowhere, even though I'm 24. Jesus, I'm old. The point of this ramble, however, is the fact that I got the job!! This may sound exciting, and I am grateful for it, but I work since 8 a.m. till 8 p.m. It also takes me an hour to get there and then an hour to get back. So I'm awake from 6 a.m. till about 11 p.m. and I die. I've been employed for only a week now and my body can't handle it anymore. It feels like I've been working for 10 years...

...because we're not that rich and I didn't know if I could ever pay them back...

To start at the beginning, I'm pretty lucky to be able to find a job so soon after graduation and ending my student job. I've been at home, jobless, for only a month and a half. Now, I do feel bad for immediately falling into this working routine because I wanted to explore some places, go somewhere, enjoy just lazy days walking around, shopping, doing some arts and crafts projects and so on, but I soon realized I had no money for traveling which was definitely on the top of my list. I also couldn't ask my parents for money because we're not that rich and I didn't know if I could ever pay them back...

...but this is literally the second best thing that could happen...

Also, this crazy shift time should end in about 2 or 3 weeks so I just need to endure that (help) and then I'll have normal 8-hour shift each day. The good thing is I absolutely love my new job. It's not the one I originally wanted and I'll still try out for my dream job if I ever get the opportunity, but this is literally the second best thing that could happen career wise. I love the job, the atmosphere, people... I love it all! And I know how lucky I am to be able to say that...

...I expect some drama here...

I'm not really on board with those "just imagine it, put your thoughts out there and it'll happen" things so I'm not gonna even try to say it. I would say this is just my luck. I happened to play my cards well at the right time and that's all there is to it. Also, since I work with a lot of people, I expect some drama here and there so you'll probably read more of my office stories here. We'll see how this will go. I'll also really try to get back to posting on Sundays because I actually really love writing for this blog. I'll just have to manage my weekend time better which, I guess, is really the adult life. Welcome me.

Source: https://giphy.com/explore/i-got-the-job

Tell me, do you work? Are you still in school or looking for a job? Share some advice on getting a job, first days at work, etc.

Movie review: Molly Maxwell

Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2388705/

Info: Molly Maxwell is a 2013 romance movie starring Lola Tash as Molly, high school student, and Charlie Carrick as Ben, Molly's teacher and mentor. It was written and directed by Sara St. Onge. Movie is 1 hour and 30 minutes long.

Note: Plot has all spoilers, impression some and recommendation none.

Source: http://www.catherinelutes.com/molly-maxwell-feature-film-trailer/

Plot: Movie is set up at Phoenix Progressive School where students are encouraged to find their own (weird) passion and to stand out in the most creative way no matter which subjects they choose. We soon meet Molly, a student who seems to be not interested in anything but spending time with her friends and waiting for school to be over. She also has quite a friendly relationship with the school director who tells her she needs to find an extra activity to pass the grade. She had no idea what she would like, but to the rescue comes her new English teacher Ben who encourages her to take up photography as he has seen her taking photos of her friends. He also becomes her mentor and sets up a dark room and teaches Molly how do develop photos. One day, in a need of some inspiration, Molly suggests going to an island near by. Ben agrees after some time and they spend a great day together followed by an awkward ferry ride home. Even though Ben asked her not to, Molly develops photos of him and her that day and decides to personally deliver some. When he invites her into his apartment, the two have quite awkward conversation and silences in between. Suddenly, Molly decides to take her clothes off and Ben slowly approaches her. The two share a moment, which was also awkward because Molly put her head under his shirt, but also sweet and almost innocent. They don't say a word and she leaves. Since he is still her teacher, they share some moments in the school and dark room, but Ben is well aware of the rules and the consequences. When she visits him again, he tries to avoid their chemistry, but soon kisses her and makes up a rule: clothing stays on. So they kiss, cuddle and then she leaves again. They meet again at his place and Molly tries to have sex with Ben, but he sticks to his rule and Molly admits she actually has no idea what she is doing. School director suspects there's something more happening between them so he fires Ben and invited Molly's parents who ground her. With their final attempt to sleep together, Ben again ends it knowing how the things are. Molly, obviously hurt, goes to a party and sleeps with a random guy, texts Ben she is no longer a virgin which she soon regrets. They meet one last time at a pub where he's preforming. Molly is asked to leave in the middle of the show because she's under-aged.

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gs1Nx2uk7rQ

My impression: I don't know. You know I'm a sucker for romance, but there was something missing here. First off, if she was in college, I wouldn't mind it, but they're portraying it like she is 16 (I think) and he is 30 or something which is kinda gross to me. However, they do have a great chemistry. I loved it how he stayed true to himself and they didn't actually have sex because it's different from what most movies would do. He knows it's wrong and he could be fired and go to jail for this, but he is also torn cause he feels something for her too. Although, I would say the fact that she was in his apartment cuddled up in a blanket was already crossing a line. I love how awkward their scenes were, because that's exactly what I would expect from a young student and her teacher if they were ever to be in this kind of relationship. I also really liked that her mom stood by her in the end because she saw that all was actually good, he wasn't harming her and Molly just needed to find her path. However, I missed some more plot and the ending was really not for me. I need a part 2 now because I actually want them to meet in a few years.

Source: https://bit.ly/2SrKIXW

Recommendation: I read a lot of reviews online and they're all positive. I would recommend this movie because it's more real than some other teenage movies with this plot. It also shows how you can't pick love or attraction. I mentioned it above that I was missing more plot and I personally skipped scenes with her friends, but you may like them cause it shows how friends can easily fall apart when there's a new person or boyfriend in the picture.

Read some of my earlier movie reviews to see if we have some similar taste in movies.

I found this movie as a recommendation on Instagram. I don't regret watching it. What do you think of it?

Things that need to die in 2019

I don't know how to feel about the end of 2018... If I look at a year in general, it's wasn't anything special, but if I cut it in pieces: I finished college, worked at my favorite place ever, got to the highest point regarding my self-esteem... Maybe I should write an entire post reflecting on the past year? Tell me if you want some shorter review.

This past year was crazy on a global scale and I won't even go into politics, environment problems or anything that serious. It's just not for me. But light topics and social media are my thing. So here's a list of things we need to leave behind.

• apologizing for having stuff/opportunities

If you have something you know a lot of people would want or if you get an opportunity you wanted, don't apologize for it. You can wish for some people to be as lucky as you are, but enjoy every moment you have. I shouldn't apologize for having a phone, laptop, for traveling... whatever. You can be considerate and not brag, but being happy about your possessions and accomplishments is perfectly OK.

• apologizing for having some imperfections

Now, I watch a lot of youtubers and usually girls apologize for their chapped nails, messy hair or something like that and guys for, I don't know wearing shorts or something. I personally hate hate chapped nails and it's really not something I can stand on myself and I'll definitely notice them on somebody, but why is there a need to apologize for it? You're not offending anyone by not repainting them. This is just an example, but I think you get the picture.

• lip liners in darker shades than lipstick

Total shift from this deep stuff, I had to include some make-up here. There's a lot of beauty stuff I just don't get and dislike very much, but this trend has had me puzzled for a year. How did this become a trend and why? There's not much I can say here, just please stop.

• cropped everything

And now on to a bit of fashion... I get trends and how everything changes pretty fast in fashion industry, but 2018 has brought this copped trend and absolutely everything is cropped now. Jeans, sweatpants, all tops... There are some cropped models I actually like, but we, and by "we" I mean "I", need less cropped and more normal clothes. 

• being upset about follow/unfollow

This comes from being a blogger, very active on Twitter and trying to grow on Instagram. I see a lot of people complaining about follow-unfollow game and I don't understand it. I couldn't care less if someone is doing it to me. Why does it bother people? If you have the time to follow and unfollow me every single day, be my guest. I will follow you for 2 reasons only: you're somebody I know (a friend) or I like your content. There's no "he followed me so I have to follow back" in my books.

• being offended by everything

I saved the best for last. This past year was absolutely crazy and over-the-top with being offended. People were offended by almost everything and also on behalf of other people too. We definitely need to stop it. I can't say anything without writing paragraphs of explaining myself and I'm sick of it. I get it the times have changed and what used to be considered a joke is today offensive and I'll admit some jokes take it too far, but not everything is an insult or attack on humanity. People need to chill.

Source: https://www.caa.govt.nz/about-us/2018-2019-holiday-hours/

Name 2 things that you want out of your life in 2019!

Today: 27.1.2019.

Doing: OMG nothing. I literally spent the day in bed and watching TV (handball championship finals to be exact) and I took care of my phone and organized all the photos (according to this post)

Mood: Can a "blank" be an answer to this? Other than being stressed out for my favorites not wining the championship, I honestly had no emotions today...

Favorite person: Since I had very little interactions with people today, I have to say my mom since she watched the games with me.

Thinking about: How I'm getting worse with this blogging, about buying new really expensive glasses, buying some more stuff for my nail "business"... Nothing in particular, but these stuff have lately been on my mind

Missing: Days of college to be honest. I knew this would come, but I finished college and I'm unemployed now and I'm so bored even though I always have something to do. I just need a full time job. Haha.

Loving: All the free time I now have which is a complete contrast to my previous statement, I know...

Hating: The fact that most of YouTubers I follow are starting to being boring to me and I don't want to leave them or look for new ones, but also I don't like most of their content now...

New discovery: The Arrangement TV show. It's definitely not new and it's already finished, but I just yesterday watched the last episode and I kinda need a 3rd season to wrap it all up, but I know I'm not getting it...

Listening to: Gigi D'Agostino - In My Mind 8D audio (I was a huge fan of Gigi back in the early 2000's and I'm so glad I got back to him and I'm loving the new 8D trend)

What are you doing today? Share one new discovery with me!

What I like in romance movies

If you've been reading this blog for a while, or if you know me, you should know that romance movies are my favorite. I can rewatch the same movie 40 times and still feel the same butterflies as I did the first time. So, what's so great about them?

Before I move on, I have to say I also love action movies, war themed movies especially and some other, but romance is always a safe bet for me. Even if they really really suck, I'll kinda like them. No, I won't hate them. There. Also, someone actually commented on this blog before that I live in a fantasy and I need to stop watching TV and romance. Why would I want that? Let me explain...

...I, obviously, am not totally over it...

First, let's address that comment. Unfortunately, I deleted it because I wasn't feeling good after I read it and it was a spur of a moment, but I wrote a post how I'm miserable being single and so on and a girl commented that I have to grow the fu*k up and see the real world, adding that I should never watch a romantic movie again because I clearly can't think straight. It really hit me back then, some time in 2016 I think and I, obviously, am not totally over it because I still think about it and remember it... However, those days are behind me, but my love for romance is still here.

...I like to see what I would like to experience.

It's true, I'm a sucker for romance. I'm, what you would call, an old-fashion romantic. I love that subtle flirting, bringing roses, going slow... And that's exactly what I love about those movies. Hence my love for Nicholas Sparks movies. I love seeing sharing looks, accidentally touching and then sharing a moment and overthinking it, that slow first kiss... I love awkwardness and them being confused because it's more real. Or so I think. Sure, there are some love making scenes thrown in there, but to be honest, I'm usually not so keen to see them. If they're also slow, romantic, filled with love, then yes, but those quick s-e-x scenes kinda kill the moment for me. Of course, I like to see what I would like to experience. I think that's normal and understandable. Weirdly, I also love the crying, fights, jealousy and all that. I guess I'm trying to experience it all? I can't explain this one. Haha.

Source: https://giphy.com/gifs/kiss-couple-loving-Nv092tXozKaEE

Gosh, I have to sound really pathetic now, or weird.

I can literally feel butterflies for some movie couples. It's weird that I never felt it for myself and I didn't actually know what were people talking about, but then I realized I have them when I watch movies. Or TV shows. And it's true it's the weirdest, but the greatest feeling ever. Gosh, I have to sound really pathetic now, or weird. I don't know what's on your mind. That's also why I usually cry when I'm watching romance. I'm watching something I want, but don't have. And let me just tell you, I usually start crying at the first touch, that thought "I love him and he doesn't love me" (which is obviously a complete lie cause he loves her too) or if in a scene he tries to kiss her and she is all nervous about it. Stuff like this usually.

...I still believe that prince charming is real...

To some extent, I still believe that prince charming is real, that I'll have that movie romance and I'm not ready to give up on that. Maybe I'm too old to think this way, but I can't really go against my feelings. The difference between then and now is that I'm more aware of the world and romance so I know that I'll probably have to alter some expectations and it may not all be perfect, but I'm sure I want a guy that can do something romantic every once in a while. I think the picture here represents what I actually like pretty well.

Source: https://livereadbreathe.blogspot.com/2013/09/out-of-line-blog-tour-review-giveaway.html

Also, just in case you're about to leave a comment here, let me just clarify that I'm not currently sad about all this, I'm not depressed and I'm well aware that I can live a good life by myself. However, my ultimate goal for some time in the future is to have a husband and a family so I do think about it here and there.

What's your favorite movie genre and why?

20 plans and wishes for 2019

OK, as you may know, I wasn't going to post this list for few reasons. First being I don't usually stick to any of my New Year resolutions and then I'm just disappointed in myself and I know this from the start. I also just found a last year's list and I think I did 2 out of 20 things. However, lists also make me happy and chances are I'm going to do more if I share my goals so I wouldn't be embarrassed in front of people. Public eye has quite an influence on me.

There's no particular order to this and, even though I thought I wouldn't explain anything, I really need to say something about these. Here we go...

• start driving again

I got my licence 2 years ago now and I drove only once. Car is not my main mean of transportation as I use public transport on daily basis and now I'm just scared to drive again. I hope to take few more lessons and this will hopefully be the year when I start driving again.

• take dancing classes

I always wanted this, but now more than ever because my brother is getting married soon and I really want to learn some moves. And when I say 'dance' I mean real couple dancing, not this modern sh*t because we all know how to jump.

• lose weight/get into shape

Going with the previous one, I want to look good at that wedding, but this has also been on my list for years now. Now that my best friend is actually doing it too, maybe I'll get motivated too and we can get better together. Hopefully.

• get a job

I recently finished college so I think it's normal that I look for a job now. Also, I need to work because I'm losing my mind how bored I am and I also need money. However, I think it's going to be a struggle, but I know I'll find something.

• buy a tripod and start those outfit photos

I have another blog and I also like to post on Instagram so this is something I really want to do this year. Tripods aren't that expensive so I think I might actually do this one. Also, if you think it's kinda shallow, read my posts First, let me take a selfie... or I'm more than my social media..

• prepare for YouTube channel

I tried this one in 2018 and editing was SO hard without programs that you need to pay for and I really can't spend money on this. Unfortunately. I would only post manicures for starters. I don't have a wish to show my face on camera any time soon, but who knows.

• set up a space for doing manicures

I've had the table and storage and all that for years now, but I haven't set it up. I was waiting until I get my certificate and I eventually did get one, but I don't think I'm yet capable of doing a proper manicure so I just did nothing.

• change your hair

I'm not talking about anything major here, I'm talking about maybe changing color a bit or getting some kind of fringes. I think I've done some changes over this year and I change my hairstyles on daily basis now so I hope just to continue that.

• donate blood for the first time

I've been putting this one off for 5 years now. I don't know why actually. I'm just scared of how my body will react and whether I'll faint or not. I'm not scared of needles or blood or anything like that, but I don't know how I will react to some blood being pulled out of me. I just need someone there to make sure I'll be OK the first time.

• get one more piercing

I only have piercings on my ears and I want to keep it that way. However, I want one more, something higher than what I now have. This usually isn't a problem, but I had so much trouble with my last few that I'm now scared how my ears will react.

• get a tattoo

I've wanted this for years (!!) now and I keep putting it off because I can't decide on the design and the place. I know the style I want, I even have like 3 designs on my wishlist but the position is still a problem for me. I'll take any suggestions for small tattoos that can be covered up easily.

• travel more

I mean, isn't this on everybody's list? I'm not even talking about long trips far away. I'm talking local, one or two days trips. I just want some change every now and then and I want to explore, take good photos and just enjoy the nature, castles, city lights...

• finish nail and make-up course

I mentioned it above, but I really want to finish these two. Both are for my personal preferences, but also to improve my blog and maybe YouTube one day. I just want to perfect what I love.

• go out/clubbing more

I'm usually just a walk or coffee type of girl. I still love that, but I also wish to spend my Fridays and Saturdays out, clubbing or something, instead of watching some romance show and crying over my non-existent love life.

• declutter make-up, closet and jewelry

I really have a lot of all of these, I won't deny it. However, I have declutters quite often and I usually just end up with maybe one or two items to go. I read this great post How to declutter your clothing once and for all and I do follow these steps, but I actually wear 99% of clothes and jewelry. Make-up declutter should come soon.

• try a GoFundMe

I know this is kinda weird, but I have this thing I want to buy and it would really help my organization and hobby/passion to come to life. I actually only need $200, but I don't have that either so I will try to collect money. If you're willing to donate something, let me know. ☺

• finish a book and read more

I started a book now last year and life kinda got in the way, I put it down and haven't picked up since and it's now been a month or so. I really want to finish that one. I'm also not a book lover and I'm OK with that, but I have many books on my shelves and I don't want them just to sit there. I'll try to get some of these off my list.

• finally finish a short-stories book I'm writing

I wrote some things on Wattpad before, but I'm actually writing down my dreams and I'm making it into some kind of short-stories book. I know it's nothing too good and I maybe won't have any readers, but it makes me happy so I want to write that down. I like my dreams.

• keep a skincare routine

I have a lot of skincare products I love and I want to keep a good routine that works for me. However, I seem to forget it every now and then and then days go by without me even applying moisturizer. Rinsing off my face in the morning is all I get... So I'm determined to change that soon!

• save more money

This one is also an obvious one for everybody, but I really want to save some money along with enjoying everything it can bring me. So I will still shop, eat out and hopefully travel, but I'll try to be smart about it. As I also don't have incomes now, I need to pay more attention to this.

Give me your top 3 this year's plans!

NYE from hell to the best NYE

Hello everybody! Happy New Year! I hope you all had a wonderful time during holidays and I hope you missed me. Haha. I announced this topic on Twitter and a lot of people were actually interested in how my NYE went because I also wrote that I'm scared and nervous for it.

I'm socially awkward.

Just a quick reminder that I don't have anxiety or depression, but I'll maybe use these words to try to explain what was going on. Also, I'm quite socially awkward and new people freak me out. I'm pretty good with older people, but with my own generation I suck at social gatherings. I tend to keep quiet and I don't initiate anything myself. Of course, I'm really relaxed with my friends and then I have a completely different attitude.

I got there, in between all best friends.

Even though I had multiple invitations which surprised me so freaking much, I chose one event. It was a small gathering organized by my something-in-between-colleague-and-friend. He invited around 10 people, but there were 8 of us in the end. Most people there were in the same relationship with me as he was. We were more than colleagues, but not real friends. Some are closer friends than others, but I don't know. We'll call them all friends, but you get it. There was also one guy who is boyfriend to one of the girls and I've seen him maybe 2 times and I don't think we ever spoke. And then there was a completely new guy whom I've never even heard of. Also have in mind they're all really good, best friends to each other. And couples. And then there was me.

...I'm so so glad he picked me up...

At first I didn't even want to go, I was making up excuses, but my mom eventually told me to go. "If you'll have a bad time, just say you're sick and I'll pick you up." My mom is the best. So I got some food, some drinks, got dressed and waited for a friend to pick me up. Most of them were already there, but I waited for one as he lives near me so I would have a ride. First of all I have to say I'm so so glad he picked me up because we talked about everything and nothing, laughed a lot and I was relaxed by the time we got there. And no, I don't like him romantically; sorry to disappoint you. Now that I think of it, you should know him and his girlfriend as Mr. T. and Miss D. from my posts here.

...it was going to be a horrible night. And we just started...

Anyway, we got there and everybody was already having fun. I thought it would be hard for me just to come and blend in as everybody was looking at us (naturally as we walked in). It is usually the hardest part for me so I always like to be the first at the party. I'm much more comfortable with welcoming people than being welcomed. Tell me in the comments if you have the same problem. I was offered a drink or two, I sat down in the corner as I usually do and I was already feeling weird. I started overthinking, again, as I usually do and I really thought it was going to be a horrible night. And we just started... Some were dancing, some were goofing around, some were talking and I was just observing everything. I was already overwhelmed with the situation.

...I was single while everybody was kissing their significant other.

However, we soon started playing some games, we laughed together and the awkwardness faded. We also ate dinner and I was soon really comfortable with all these people. I'm still not sure what actually happened in my mind, but I hope it'll happen again at some gathering. I just stopped overthinking and I had fun. I think music was a big part of it as I listened to all my favorite artists and songs so I was in a really good mood. The only awkwardness happened when the midnight came and I realized I was single while everybody was kissing their significant other. However, I didn't feel bad about it. Maybe just a bit sad, for a second.

I kinda missed my family, but my mom made it better. As she always does.

I say it's "the best NYE" for every NYE that I didn't feel horrible so this one goes into this category as well. I had my friends beside me, I had great food and drinks, awesome music and overall great atmosphere. What else could I ask for? My mom texted me at exactly 00:00 and it warmed my heart. Oh, yeah, all of this happened before midnight. Haha. After midnight we just continued dancing and mostly playing games which made us all laugh our as*es off... And let me just tell you, party ended at 7 a.m.

My point is: just go for it. I know people with serious anxiety or whatever condition can have bigger problems than I do, but I think trying things even if you're terrified can be a good thing. At least with things like this where you can just walk away and change your mind at any moment. If I went with my initial thought, I would have missed this great night, this great bonding time.

How did you spend your NYE?