17 November, 2019

My body image journey - holding it in (part 2)

If you haven't read the first part, I suggest you do that first (Body shaming (part 1)). Moving on from the where we ended that Sunday, I was now in my 8th grade, last grade of elementary school. I don't know if it's unfortunate or fortunate for me, but we didn't go on any trips then even though our country practices 1-week school trips at the end of elementary and also high school. Now remembering my last school trip, it was awful and great. That was in the 4th grade and we went to the shore. I still remember not going into sea once, not even taking my clothes off on the beach. I had a swimming suit underneath my clothes, but I just couldn't do it. I was fuc*ing 11! I even have photos that prove that. When my mom saw it, I lied and said teacher took that photo right before I went in. I never have. And all other parts were absolutely great and I had so much fun, but this was just awful.

OK, we were ending our elementary school now and, as much as I loved it and my friends, I was happy I would get a chance to start all over. Hello, high school! In the first grade I had my best friend and I think the only reason I ever approached her was she was bigger than me. The only one that was bigger than me. So, I felt safe with her. Things happened and we stopped being friends even during high school, but she was still bigger than me. That was good news to me. Even though this seems like I'm glad someone was fat, it was not about her, it was about me. I needed shield.

I have one photo of myself in, I think, 2nd grade (sophomore year) that we now call "pumpkin photo" cause I was the fattest then and also my pose on it is just ridiculous and weird. Every time I see it, I feel so embarrassed and pissed off at myself. For all 4 years I tried to play it cool, but the truth is I was worried about my appearance 99% of the time. Whenever I stood in the hallways I was always thinking how I and my current pose looked from a different perspective. This way of thinking and living is firstly very tiring because I could rarely enjoy the moment. There were only very few people that made me feel safe. And they still do and I can't thank them enough.
Joan and Dora, I love you.

There's going to be a twist to all this in the next part. Make sure to read it ☺

See you next Sunday ♥

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