24 February, 2014

I don't want to admit...

Hey you all, how have you been?
I announce that my second semester is starting tomorrow and I had no free time between first one and this. I was counting on, at least, one week but no. I had my last exam on Friday and Monday came before I blinked. I hate Mondays. I hate every day except Saturday (unless we have an exam on it). I can proudly say that I passed six out of seven subjects I have. The one that I failed is the hardest one and most of people I know said they tried 5 or 6 times to pass it. It took 2 years for one of my (smart) friends to pass it. So you get the picture. The problem is this time I only had to go to the oral exam and now I have to write it all again (written plus oral exam) in April. I really am afraid of it since I know only 2% of people in college (500 students a year) pass this. This is pretty bad and I really don't want to study this one subject for 2 years. The worst part is I thought I knew it. I did all the examples we got for that oral exam I was sure that nothing can surprise me. Well, they sure surprised me. When I found out about the results I was holding it together really well, I was depressed but not as I expected to be. But... (There's always a "but".) When I got home, I almost cried. Everyone had this really big expectations and I was supposed to manage to pass everything (this was my big plan) but I failed. I failed my family and friends, but, mostly, I failed myself. I know it's not the end of the world, everybody fails sometimes but I'm too depressed about it. And I have no idea how to get out of it. I fear of April so bad. I literally don't want it to come. Not this year. It's because I don't know what else can I learn. I thought I knew everything I needed to know for this. I should have known, I started to good to keep it that way. Universe (and my professors) just had to screw up my plan. Dammit! (This was I talking about in "Shut it off" about testing me.) Maybe I'm feeling this way because I'm not used to be the one that fails an exam. Not to offend anyone, but I was usually the one who comforted those who failed. I started college with a motto: "God, give me a D". I will be happy just to pass it (that's how colleges work). But I'm so sad that I have bad grades. I know that in two subject I deserve more but I really have douchebags for teachers so I had no chance. (I'm not delusional, I really do deserve more.) And I don't want to admit any of this. I don't want to admit that I'm sad and depressed, I don't want to admit that every single atom in my body is fighting itself because I know I deserve better. Now, I would just like to run in the middle of a street and yell how anxious I am.
So, this was my today. Bye.

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