Shut it off!!

Hey.

I can't really describe what I'm feeling today but I know I'm not happy. I'm not sad either. Some weird sh*t is happening to me. As I told you, I'm watching "The Vampire Diaries". There's this perfect thing they do. Vampires, I mean. They can shut off their emotions. Wouldn't that be great from time to time? What I discovered today, Damon isn't really shutting of his emotions entirely. He said: "Yes, I feel, and it sucks!" I'm with you Damon. Feelings are what destroys us the most. They can be something that will bring us back to life too, but in my situation, it's the first one. It would be so great if I could walk one day without feeling pain, shame, sadness... I don't know what I would do if somebody gave me this choice: You can either feel happiness, but also sadness or you won't feel anything, not good stuff, not bad stuff. Maybe I'm saying this cause I'm in this weird mood, but I really don't know which one I would pick. Bad emotions are sometimes too strong and they make me fall apart. I wonder what it would be like to be one of them. One of those people who have a switch in their heart and can choose what they will and what they won't feel. Is there anyone like that? I know life is not supposed to be simple and with rainbows and unicorns, but too much is too much. Life should learn how to balance good and bad stuff. If you believe in God, He should learn that too. People say life/God is testing you, he's got something special for you if you pass. Well, stop testing me. I will endure anything because I have no other choice, but I don't want to fight anymore. Maybe this sounds to you like a lot of crap because I'm only 19, but I have stuff in my mind that are killing me every single day. Little things but they are so powerful. The worst thing is that once I start, I can't stop thinking about them. There are this moments of happiness and they are beautiful (thanks to my family, friends, dog :P). But in the end of the day, it's what's on your mind that matters. And I have two or three constant topics: love problems, family problems and college problems. What more do I need, right? My mom always tells me that I'm a cheerful and happy person, but she has no idea what happens behind my smile. Nobody does.

Yeah...