16 October, 2015

My father

Hello :) Intro post about all this is here.
So, my father... This should be a 1000 pages post to really explain what's going on here but I'll try to keep it simple. I was daddy's little girl for about half of my life (10-12 years); until I hit puberty. Now, I'm not saying that I started bi*ching around when I did hit puberty, but I started to see some things I didn't used to before and I started to think with my own head more. And my father apparently did not like it. That's where we started parting out ways. Everything he did annoyed me, everything I said annoyed him. We fought a lot. A lot! I cried for about 4 nights in a week. For sure. It was hard living like that. Knowing that my own father dislikes the real me. That he dislikes the fact that I'm standing up for myself and trying to explain who I am and what I do and don't like. He basically didn't like anything about me. Now I'm thinking it was either because we really were that different or because he didn't want me to grow up. I guess it could be a bit of both. Anyhow, we're far away from it and it's looking better now but I have a feeling that we'll never be as we used to. I can not go back with everything I know now. There are some things he does which I really can not approve and that won't change. And I can't change myself. I won't. I see him as a hypocrite and that's so annoying. I can not live with that and I have to. So I do my best. The good thing is I see him trying. He is trying to reach me, he's trying to find some common ground. And it's hard for me but I have to help him here. I don't want to live with somebody in a constant war. Me having some interests the same as him (e.g. riding a motorcycle) is helping our relationship. I think the major issue was the fact I was scared of him. He had so much power over me just by talking. When he raised his voice I immediately started crying. It was horrible experience. One of the worst feelings I ever had. Good thing is that I'm overcoming my fear. It has been happening over some years now and I'm more and more satisfied with my life and my decisions. I'm not afraid to stand up for myself anymore. More or less. I actually think he's proud of me now. Every now and then, I get this vibe from him and that makes me extremely happy. It is the best feeling after all that we've been through. The time will tell but I really hope we're done with all the sh*t.
My father. Oh boy...

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