11 June, 2014

Today I...

Today I experienced mood swings like never before. I went from terrified and worried to extremely happy and relaxed to feeling depressed in these late hours of the day. I got up around five in the morning, after just three hours of sleep. Why? College, studying... Do I need to say more? Anyhow, I studied a bit in the morning, I was just revising what I thought I knew. Boy, was I wrong. As soon as I got my five minutes to shine and impress the teacher with my presentation, I froze. I couldn't remember anything. It was a total fiasco but, I guess he was in a really good mood, so I passed. Although he did say something about not taking today's presentation under a consideration. I hope he won't change his mind and I will never have to see his face again. Then my worry mode was turned on because I had one more exam in a couple of hours. After it, I felt kinda good. I think I did just fine. Happy mode on! Until I got home. I spent few hours watching TV with my mom and I felt extremely sorry for that time. I know I shouldn't ever say that, but when I thought of all the things I have to do by tomorrow, I was really nervous. And then I became determined to study. It didn't happen immediately, but I got to it in some time. I was practicing math for exam tomorrow. I had to take a 45-minute long shower to cry. I couldn't stop crying. It all got to me today. And the worst thing is that I have to pass everything the first time! I have a vision and it's not because I want to be the best or anything like that. I have my reasons why I have to do great every time. And it's so hard. So, after 45 minutes of crying, I wiped my hair and my tears and continued studying. There's nobody I can talk to because nobody understands my "pain" and they think it's stupid to cry over some grades. And it is, but it's not like I can control it. I admit I hate math and it's just stupid to me but I've always understood it enough to get a good grade. This time it won't happen. I am disappointed in myself, angry at myself and I feel pity for myself. I'm doing random things now (like writing this) instead of studying. And this is how I go through life. Great. I can feel more tears coming up. My day just couldn't be better. Oh yeah, did I mention I have one more exam tomorrow? I don't have a clue on what we're doing. Great! After all this, I can't not feel stupid. And it is the worst feeling ever.
Have a good night. It can't be worst than mine.
Literally me today.

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