25 January, 2016

MWL - feelings before

Hey. Intro post about this topic is here and all other posts about this will be under the label "My weight loss" on the right.
Today I'm gonna write about my feelings I had quite a long time ago (I still have them every now and then). So... I was always chubby, ever since I could remember. And I'll use terms 'bigger' and 'chubby' just because I do realize there are bigger people than I ever was and also because term 'fat' is hard to describe as everybody looks at it differently. While I was growing up, I was surrounded with mostly skinny and fit friends (I'm talking about girls mostly). There were few chubby friends but I actually didn't hang out with them as much. There were often comments made by my aunt, godmother and other relatively close people about me being chubby or not being able to put some new clothes on as they thought I was slimmer. And (I never said this to anyone) my friend calling me Fatty (like it's my nickname) when I was about 10 did not help. Despite that, I was fine until I got into 5th grade (that's about 11 or 12 years old). My chubby friends grew faster than me and most of them formed a really nice body pretty quickly. I didn't pay much attention to it until the 7th grade when all of them were really close to being women (with their bodies) and I was still stuck in, let's say, 5th grade. I know this doesn't seem much, but you can't help it with your complexes. Anyways, all of them were dating or flirting or whatever, and I was aside. Even then I wasn't bothered as much. This problem with my weight started around 7th or 8th grade of elementary school. I saw people around me, I was aware of my looks and I saw what guys (especially my crush) looked for in girls. I also saw how much more confidence they had than me and all started piling up. This continued in high school and it only became worse since I was among only few bigger people there. This lowered my confidence even more. Then all those previous comments about my looks kept coming back and I was more bothered by this than ever. Soon, me not being able to wear a mini skirt was much deeper problem than just that. It was connected with depression, me thinking I wasn't good enough, I wasn't worth it, I didn't deserve all the things my peers were experiencing. And maybe I should have just gone out more, communicate with people more... I don't know. Maybe that would help me because I saw these people aren't so different than me (every now and then when I got the chance to talk to them). But at the point where I was then, I couldn't even imagine myself hanging with cool, stylish, fit and skinny people (not talking about my true friends, of course). I thought all people saw when we talked is my fat belly and large legs. At young age as mine (or at any for that matter), this kind of thinking can really mess you up. And it messed me up. 

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