Today: 24.2.2017.

Doing: went to college, watched YouTube bloggers/vloggers, ate - I basically did nothing.

Mood: great!!!!

Favorite person: my friend Matt - you're not even surprised by this anymore, right?

Thinking about: how I need to workout today and I really don't feel like it, how I haven't written anything here as I've been so busy, how annoyed I am with my family eating my favorite cake

Missing: going out - I was out recently with my friends and I had such a great time I want to do it every single day

Loving: that I'm getting a fresh start on Monday and that I'll be home alone in just few hours

Hating: rain that thought it's OK to come back even though I'm already in my spring mood

New discovery: coloring actually makes me relax and forget about everything

Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Love (this was trending on YouTube so I checked it out)

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Storytime: This dream still haunts me

Hey. Welcome to my second story. So, this happened few weeks ago, but I guess it was so strong that I still think about it on daily basis.

Note: Have in mind this was a dream and it did happen quite a long time ago so I won't remember all the details. This note was written last. I also wrote this for two days cause I couldn't do it without crying. I wrote about 2 sentences in a row before crying. I had long pauses to calm down. Maybe it's all over the place. I don't know.

So I dreamed that my parents were asking me about my college grades and exams and, as usual, I said it was all good without long explanations. Then they asked me why I'm not going out with my friends, why I'm not in a relationship. I just smiled and said I don't know. There were some other questions before I snapped. Now I remember my speech so here it is. "Because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself, of what I do, of what I like, of what I look like. I'm scared to go outside. I'm ashamed that I'm over 20 and I look like this. And I can't cook, dance, drive or do anything a "normal" person my age should. I'm afraid that my friends think I'm stupid cause I don't follow politics or sports. I'm scared cause I have no self-esteem to pull me back up. So I hold it in. And you have no idea. It's scares me that I'm over 20 and I have no idea what I'm doing. But most of all I'm scared that you're ashamed. I'm scared that I'm not making you proud. I'm scared that nothing I do is good enough. Like I'm not meeting your expectations. And I want to. I'm really trying. But yes, I'm ashamed of myself. And you have no idea. I'm sorry."
And then I woke up.

I know this was just a dream and, as most dreams are, this was so random and probably not even related to the fake questions my parents were asking. I have no idea how this came up, but the fact that I woke up in tears and really disturbed, the fact that I'm still disturbed 2 weeks later and that I cried during writing this tells me this is the truth. And I do believe that most people my age do have this thoughts every now and then because, let's be honest, we have no idea what we're doing with our life. I can still hear myself yelling "I'm ashamed!" in my dream.
Note: Not to worry. I'm not depressed and I'm not this bad all the time. This hits me every now and then. But when it does, it's pretty bad.

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Any similar thoughts? How old are you? Can you manage life?

Birthday funk?

Hello. I've had my birthday the other day and ever since I feel a bit down. I wanted to plan something for my friends to celebrate, but I struggle with money and time. Every year, my birthday comes in the time of finals and everybody is usually busy. I was going to celebrate with my friend, but he's not up for it anymore and I can't do it all by myself so that's off. I also had a great idea to spend a day at a pool with my other friends, but I can't afford it. And it makes me so freaking sad. I would usually be totally OK with lunch or dinner cause we've done that before and that's my chance to glam up and be all fancy. But since I had this idea, I can't let it go. I'm still not sure what I'll do with them. Also, the biggest reason why I feel down is the fact that birthdays suck when you're older. On the day of my birthday, I woke up at 7 a.m., the house was already empty. I went to college to write an exam, I came hope around 6 p.m. The house was still empty. My parents came home around 8 p.m. There's a lot happening in our family right now, so my mom hadn't had the time to bake a cake (and I suck at it if you're wondering why I didn't bake it myself). This is the first birthday ever (!!) that I didn't have a cake. They bought me some frozen one, ice-cream cake. And it's tasty, but it's not a real cake. And I sound like a spoiled brat, but it really made me sad. Also, they got me a Swarovski necklace (they know I love Swarovski), but it's so not me. They were buying it in a hurry and I realize that, and I will wear it proudly, but... I don't even know. Once my parents got home, we ate cake and then, 20 minutes later, I went back to studying. There was no birthday for me. And I can't even celebrate it with my friends.

There was one birthday so far that I didn't had the chance to celebrate and I still think about it (too much). And I know I'll think about this one as well cause I'm the person who wants to take my friends somewhere and I want to have a good time with them. I want to celebrate birthdays.

So much for happy...

Expectations for 2017

I did this post a year ago (read my expectations for 2016 here). I read it now and I realize I could just copy - paste the intro. Anyway, here's a list of what I wish in 2017 along with what I actually did from the last list.

• New 2017 will be better than the 2016. It has to be. Not that my year was so bad, but I tend to remember bad stuff more than the good ones, so... - This is just copied from the last year cause... I really want it to be better.
• I want to work out more. Last year I said I want to lose weight. That's also still a wish of mine, but right now I want to be more active and flexible no matter the number on my scale.
• Get a tattoo. I've postponed this one cause I heard that you shouldn't do it in summer so I'll try to do it in the first two months of 2017 when it's still cold outside.
• Start my own nail salon. I don't have a real business in mind, but I'd like to do nail professionally. I already have all the equipment and furniture and all I need to do is set it all up in my basement.
• I really wish to find a good boyfriend this year.
• As for the last year, this one is always a must-have on the list: The most important wish of mine is to become stronger, to build my self esteem. Yes, I hope I'll do that. At least that.

What I actually did from my previous list:

• I finished college.
• I got my driver's licence.
• I did some nails.

Now, this is depressing, right?

What are your New Year resolutions? Do you have any? Do you think this is stupid? Comment below!

Today: 13.01.2017.

Doing: went to college, wrote some blog posts, chatted with my friends, watched some TV shows, did a part of my college paper (gonna do some more now)

Mood: pretty good, I feel really positive today!

Favorite person: my friend Marc who sang to me this stupid kids song :D

Thinking about: how I really feel I'll make more out of this year than the last one (as I always say haha)

Missing: going out more with my friends, field trips I did in elementary and high school - I just left that from my previous post

Loving: that I'm so positive without any particular reason, today I believe everything will be OK

Hating: all this rain (!) and snow which is not really snow in the city is more like dirt and slush

New discovery: VSDC Free Video Editor - I was thinking of making some YouTube videos so I've been searching for free video editors and I can say I'm going to install this one once my laptop gets repaired

Listening to: Brad Paisley - Whiskey Lullaby (I'm actually not a fan of country music, but this is great!!)