Today: 28.01.2016.

Doing: mentally preparing for the test today (I'm actually really optimistic about it)

Mood: OK, I guess; I can't complain about anything, but I'm not jumping out of happiness either

Favorite person: I haven't had any interactions with people yet as it's early morning, so we'll see; I'll find somebody at college for sure (I'm thinking my teacher)

Thinking about: how to do my nails today - plain or nail art?

Missing: sleep! as every normal college student

Loving: butter and jelly breakfast (not peanut butter, although that's also tasty)

Hating: the fact that I have to leave my apartment today for college (if I was going somewhere fun I would love it as it's really pretty outside)

New discovery: you can remove your nail polish faster if you soak cotton pads in nail polish remover, place it on your nails and wrap with foil or duct tape

Listening to: Europe - Carrie

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MWL - feelings before

Hey. Intro post about this topic is here and all other posts about this will be under the label "My weight loss" on the right.

Today I'm gonna write about my feelings I had quite a long time ago (I still have them every now and then). So... I was always chubby, ever since I could remember. And I'll use terms 'bigger' and 'chubby' just because I do realize there are bigger people than I ever was and also because term 'fat' is hard to describe as everybody looks at it differently. While I was growing up, I was surrounded with mostly skinny and fit friends (I'm talking about girls mostly). There were few chubby friends but I actually didn't hang out with them as much. There were often comments made by my aunt, godmother and other relatively close people about me being chubby or not being able to put some new clothes on as they thought I was slimmer. And (I never said this to anyone) my friend calling me Fatty (like it's my nickname) when I was about 10 did not help. Despite that, I was fine until I got into 5th grade (that's about 11 or 12 years old). My chubby friends grew faster than me and most of them formed a really nice body pretty quickly. I didn't pay much attention to it until the 7th grade when all of them were really close to being women (with their bodies) and I was still stuck in, let's say, 5th grade. I know this doesn't seem much, but you can't help it with your complexes. Anyways, all of them were dating or flirting or whatever, and I was aside. Even then I wasn't bothered as much. This problem with my weight started around 7th or 8th grade of elementary school. I saw people around me, I was aware of my looks and I saw what guys (especially my crush) looked for in girls. I also saw how much more confidence they had than me and all started piling up. This continued in high school and it only became worse since I was among only few bigger people there. This lowered my confidence even more. Then all those previous comments about my looks kept coming back and I was more bothered by this than ever. Soon, me not being able to wear a mini skirt was much deeper problem than just that. It was connected with depression, me thinking I wasn't good enough, I wasn't worth it, I didn't deserve all the things my peers were experiencing. And maybe I should have just gone out more, communicate with people more... I don't know. Maybe that would help me because I saw these people aren't so different than me (every now and then when I got the chance to talk to them). But at the point where I was then, I couldn't even imagine myself hanging with cool, stylish, fit and skinny people (not talking about my true friends, of course). I thought all people saw when we talked is my fat belly and large legs. At young age as mine (or at any for that matter), this kind of thinking can really mess you up. And it messed me up. 

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Oops!

My aunt and cousin

You can find my previous posts about my family on the right under label "Family and Friends" on the right. Today I'm gonna write about my aunt (dad's sister) and her son.

Hmm... My aunt. Oh boy, she's a complicated one. She is really a kind and giving person, really opened and outgoing. Although this sounds great, people who know her (like really know her, like me) know that she comes of as pushy and all-over-the-place person. She's kinda seducing every man out there (she's divorced) and it's so awkward to watch that. But! If you see her for the first time, you would probably think she's great, really communicative and polite. Anyhow, for quite a long period of time she was like my second mother. I think she always wanted a baby girl too, so I was her baby girl. We went shopping together, went out for lunches and stuff like that. I don't think there's anything that she wouldn't do for me (and my brother and her son, of course). With me being older now, I do sometimes get embarrassed and bored just because she walks around dressed like she's 20 (she is 50) and she talks about the same things over and over again and she mixes topic really fast so I can barely keep track of what she's actually saying. Other than that, I really love her. She's always there if I need her, always ready to help and always in a mood to keep you company. So that's her.

My cousin, however, is a different story. Me and him never actually had the cousin-cousin relationship. He used to play with my brother when they were little; but I was too little to play with them. So, once I grew, he stopped coming over and I think that's why we never actually connected. Now that we're both 20 something, it's hard to start over. We do talk sometimes, mostly when I go to visit my aunt and he helped me with my college stuff and we sometimes spend the holidays together and stuff like that. But I will always regret not having a Will-Smith-Prince-of-Bel-Air kind of cousin. And I know there's a way to fix this; I could send a message, try to meet up or something but I'm thinking this would be too awkward. And I don't think he thinks of me as his company, so... I'll leave it like it is. It's OK that we're good and the rest is not that important I guess. As my aunt wished for a girl next to her son, I wished for a female cousin too. Is that wrong?

Do you have cousins? How's your relationship with them?

There are no pictures for cousins. Not any that I liked.

5 things I like about myself

Hi! I don't know why, but I'm in a great mood to write something optimistic. So, I never actually think of the good stuff I do or something that I have or do better than other people (not to brag but to be able to appreciate that part of myself). I hope there are more than 5 things I like about myself, but since this is my first time doing this, I thought I would start with a small list.

1. I'm a good listener. I think I am. I actually really listen to people and try to give the best possible response even though I maybe don't like the topic or even if I'm bored (which usually doesn't happen because if I talk to my friends, whatever is important to them is important to me too).
2. I'm a great gift giver. I listen to people through the whole year and I remember stuff they want or need and I get them that exact thing. I honestly put a lot of effort into gifts and I love to see expression on people's faces when they unwrap my perfectly wrapped gift (perfect wrapping is a bonus good trait).
3. I'm organized. It maybe doesn't seems so but I actually like to get things done immediately. If I don't have time for everything I need to do, I plan everything out and, somehow, I always manage to fit everything into my schedule.
4. I don't regret eating. I wrote this because I'm actually trying to lose some weight and get my body in shape, but I'm not hardcore fitness person. I do not regret eating if I like the food unlike some people who worry (too much) about their looks.
5. I always try to see the other person's point of view. It's so hard when the situation is about me, but I try it anyway. And I said I try to do it, not that I always succeed. I'm great, however, at these stuff when I'm the third person.

So, these are the 5 things I do like about myself. It was actually so hard to write this. I wrote the first two and then I had a half an hour break to think more about this. It's so hard to write these kind of things when people concentrate more about the bad stuff then on what they should be proud of.

Tell me, can you say 5 things you like about yourself? Comments below, please.

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I actually did this myself.

Today: 10.1.2016.

Doing: homework, studying (planning on), watching TV, went out for lunch

Mood: pissed off, disappointed

Favorite person: Maggie, she did my part of the group work (I'm usually the person who does it all so I'm surprised and so thankful)

Thinking about: exams a bit, my family, friends,... just random thoughts

Missing: going ice-skating (nobody wants to go with me and I won't go alone, yay)

Loving: chocolate and water (I'm surprised I said I love water)

Hating: this feeling I'm having about my family (I can't really explain this)

New discovery: oh do I have a bomb here! But I can't tell anyone (friend's secret, sorry)

Listening to: Whitney Houston - Greatest Love Of All

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