16 December, 2018

My emo phase

Picture this. The year is 2007, I'm in the 7th grade of elementary school, my best friend just turned emo out of nowhere, she's becoming popular and I'm left behind. One day I decide to fit in no matter what so I turn emo too.
I never knew what emo really was.
I changed all my colorful clothes for black pieces, I stopped wearing shiny jewelry and I even added a black liner in my bottom waterline. It was safe to say I went all out at that age. I also had one other friend who was probably a rocker or punker or whatever she was, but for elementary school she was a very popular kid. Too bad I realized she was just using me, but that's another story. At that age (and still today a bit) I really wanted to fit in with the cool kids. You know, like in the shows I watched. So I transformed myself into 'emo' without really knowing what it was. I thought it was just black clothes and crazy hair with neon accessories.
Then I saw the scars and blood.
After few months of trying to be someone I'm not and everybody realizing I was just copying my friend for attention, I felt like sh*t. I didn't know how to change back so I stayed like that for the entire year, until summer breaks. Some time in that period I also got closer to my friend again and she opened up about her cutting herself. However this may sound, to be completely honest I didn't buy her story and I honestly think she did it just for the attention. I don't think she had any deeper problems and I don't think she did it for the relief or whatever it was supposed to provide her. I know how this may sound to you, but I knew this girl for 6 years then, since we started school. We were together every single day almost every day. I knew her, her family and distant relatives. I think she went through something like puberty, but not life crisis like she was portraying.
And I was young and stupid so I followed.
As she was being cool and everybody talked about her, I wanted it too. So young and really really stupid me thought it would be a good idea to follow her footsteps - all the way. Thankfully enough I wasn't stupid enough to take the blade of any kind. Instead I took a pencil. Mechanical pencil to be exact. I took the metal part on top and I scratched my skin in different shapes and letters. Even then I think I just wanted a tattoo so I did that. However, I never did it in any visible places. I scratched my leg or upper arm if I wore long sleeves. Also, it's important to mention that it never actually got bad. I have way worse scratches now from my dog or just because I'm clumsy so you don't have to be worried about my young self.
I made up reasons.
With me being stupid, I also made up reasons why I should be sad because that was obviously cool. How many times can I emphasize I was stupid and all of this is just crazy stupid. However, what I later realized, she wasn't cool. She was different and interesting and that's why everybody talked about her. If I only realized that sooner, I would be myself and I would try to make friends as being me. At that point in my life nobody knew who I was. Hell, I didn't know who I was. And even though I was about 13 and not supposed to have my life figured out, I think I should have known what I like and what I don't like, who I want to spend my time with, etc.

If you're curious who this girl is, she's Martha from Friends in the past post.

Do you have some embarrassing phase of your life? Please say you do haha

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