Struggling with college and work

It's been a long time since I wrote something real here, so I'm back. And I'm all over the place cause I want to tell you everything and I'm not really sure what that everything is. Weird. Anyhow... As you all know, I'm a student at college/uni. And my family is kinda going through a tough time with money and I know I'm not easy to work with when it comes to money. I've never spend more than I thought was acceptable and I do know all the hard work that is behind that money. I don't take money for granted, but I do like a lot of stuff and I like buying and having them. For that reason, I want to get some part-time job to earn my own money and to stop being a burden to my parents. However, it's not that easy. There are some jobs that I really don't want to do (waitress, promotor and call center), but usually that's the only thing they offer. OK, there are other jobs too, of course. But (!) I can't do any of them. Not even the ones I don't want to do. Why? Because I'm a full time student and, at my college, that means I have to be there for 8 or more hours plus 2 hours of traveling to and from college. Like today, I have 5 hours of college, but in the middle of the day so I can't do the morning shift nor the afternoon shift. And it's so freaking frustrated. And if you want to comment something like: "Who really wants to work will find something." or "These are just excuses.", I ask you not to. Really. Because I'm actually trying hard to manage college by itself and getting a job with it is just so hard.

OK, I had more to say about this, but I think I've been scammed over the phone and I'm so distracted and nervous about it. I can't think about anything else right now...

• ♥

Please?

Today: 24.2.2017.

Doing: went to college, watched YouTube bloggers/vloggers, ate - I basically did nothing.

Mood: great!!!!

Favorite person: my friend Matt - you're not even surprised by this anymore, right?

Thinking about: how I need to workout today and I really don't feel like it, how I haven't written anything here as I've been so busy, how annoyed I am with my family eating my favorite cake

Missing: going out - I was out recently with my friends and I had such a great time I want to do it every single day

Loving: that I'm getting a fresh start on Monday and that I'll be home alone in just few hours

Hating: rain that thought it's OK to come back even though I'm already in my spring mood

New discovery: coloring actually makes me relax and forget about everything

Listening to: Lana Del Rey - Love (this was trending on YouTube so I checked it out)

• ♥

Storytime: This dream still haunts me

Hey. Welcome to my second story. So, this happened few weeks ago, but I guess it was so strong that I still think about it on daily basis.

Note: Have in mind this was a dream and it did happen quite a long time ago so I won't remember all the details. This note was written last. I also wrote this for two days cause I couldn't do it without crying. I wrote about 2 sentences in a row before crying. I had long pauses to calm down. Maybe it's all over the place. I don't know.

So I dreamed that my parents were asking me about my college grades and exams and, as usual, I said it was all good without long explanations. Then they asked me why I'm not going out with my friends, why I'm not in a relationship. I just smiled and said I don't know. There were some other questions before I snapped. Now I remember my speech so here it is. "Because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself, of what I do, of what I like, of what I look like. I'm scared to go outside. I'm ashamed that I'm over 20 and I look like this. And I can't cook, dance, drive or do anything a "normal" person my age should. I'm afraid that my friends think I'm stupid cause I don't follow politics or sports. I'm scared cause I have no self-esteem to pull me back up. So I hold it in. And you have no idea. It's scares me that I'm over 20 and I have no idea what I'm doing. But most of all I'm scared that you're ashamed. I'm scared that I'm not making you proud. I'm scared that nothing I do is good enough. Like I'm not meeting your expectations. And I want to. I'm really trying. But yes, I'm ashamed of myself. And you have no idea. I'm sorry."
And then I woke up.

I know this was just a dream and, as most dreams are, this was so random and probably not even related to the fake questions my parents were asking. I have no idea how this came up, but the fact that I woke up in tears and really disturbed, the fact that I'm still disturbed 2 weeks later and that I cried during writing this tells me this is the truth. And I do believe that most people my age do have this thoughts every now and then because, let's be honest, we have no idea what we're doing with our life. I can still hear myself yelling "I'm ashamed!" in my dream.
Note: Not to worry. I'm not depressed and I'm not this bad all the time. This hits me every now and then. But when it does, it's pretty bad.

• ♥

Any similar thoughts? How old are you? Can you manage life?