14 October, 2014

Change within seconds

Hello :)
Yesterday was a big day for me. Nothing happened. My heart played a game with my mind. And I'm still not sure who won. I watched "The Lucky One" and, since it's a romantic movie, it got to me. I started thinking and over-thinking in the late hours never goes well. One thought led to another and few minutes later I was thinking about ancient past and how it will affect my future. My leading thought was I wasn't good enough. Not for my family, friends, colleagues, society in general. While I was thinking about that, I thought about opening my heart and soul here today. I wanted to write it all down. No matter how it may make me look. Thank God I was kinda alone, my parents were in the other rooms, probably sleeping. I couldn't explain what's wrong since I wasn't sure myself. Now that I actually started writing this, I'm not sure I should write my life just yet. I'm sure you'll have the chance to read my mind one day, but that's not today. I got from "I'm nothing" to "I never lose, I trip and keep going" in such short time that even I'm amazed. Sure I wasn't acting like I don't care few seconds after I started crying. It went on for half an hour maybe, but then something else hit me. I found myself saying that I can do something, that I live my life and it's my thing how I go through it. Today I still kinda have that weird feeling in me, like something's wrong. But this feeling isn't actually bothering me. It's normal that you have that post-traumatic period. And I think of yesterday as that. I had a crisis, I got over it, at least for now, and I moved on for the day. Sometimes I think I would feel much better if I just told someone my problems but there's that feeling that they won't understand. So I keep almost everything to myself. I learned to live with it. As much as it bothers me, and I have this series of bad mood, I think that I'm learning how to deal with it exactly because I handle it myself. After every episode, I try to see the good side, good in the bad, happy in sad... It sounds stupid but it works. For instance, when I feel down I look at my old photos. I have few of them where I find myself good-looking and that boosts my confidence. I also look up (I have pictures on my desk) and I see my friends who bring me plenty of joy every day. That calms me down and I'm good for some time. My mood depends on so many factors so I can't really tell you how long I can stay happy. But I was genuinely happy today for a "friend" of mine. He was great. Congrats J.D. It doesn't mean anything to you, but I'm proud of you.
Change for the brighter.

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