I have a feeling I've been writing some really personal posts here lately. I do love it, but I'm also scared that I won't find the right words to describe it all how I want to. This is one of those posts.
Although this is much longer and deeper story for me, I'll give you short introduction because I want to write my current state. So, this is a part one of the weight theme.
I've always been a chubby kid which actually made me very cute. As a kid. Then I started growing up and I was that chubby friend. In the first 4 grades of elementary school, I didn't even think about this as much. I saw I was bigger than the rest of girls, but I couldn't be bothered on daily basis. But then 5th grade came (which is a big deal in my school) and we were all around 11 or 12 years old and I noticed that most of my friends were hitting puberty and their bodies were shaping really nicely. I was also in my puberty then, but my body didn't shape at all. I just grew bigger and I was basically a blob of bones, fat and skin. Now this seems like I was a round bouncing ball which is not true, but I was fatter than anyone else in my class. I've also seen much bigger girls in my school which I still have mixed feelings about. At one hand, I was relieved that there's someone bigger than me and they went through school and life just fine, but on the other, I knew even then, with my 12 years, that my weight is keeping my personality down and I wouldn't make it as those girls did.
To add to my insecurities, my best friends were tiny and skinny and fit. Fast forward 2 years and we're in 7th grade, with our 14 years. My best friend has now changed to the point we didn't hang out anymore. So, she became the center of attention (she was a hot emo at the time; using the word 'hot' very lightly cause we're still 14 at the time) and I just lost my best friend and still remained the same chubby, not to say fat, friend. I remember my other friend came to my home and she saw my training bra drying on the radiator and she sad "OMG it's so big". Cause I was big. Like 4 sizes bigger than her. And I was so embarrassed, I told her my mom stretches clothes after washing (which she does a bit, not to the extremes). And OMG, I'm now going back few years to whatever age when my other best friend at the time said I "could take down" the older guy cause I'm "bigger and fatter anyway". We were playing with my brother's friends and I guess the game was to take someone down; the last team standing was the winner probably. And I got the new older and bigger guy cause I was fat and I could "just run and jump on him". I mean you know this hit me hard when I can still quote them.
To add to my insecurities, my best friends were tiny and skinny and fit. Fast forward 2 years and we're in 7th grade, with our 14 years. My best friend has now changed to the point we didn't hang out anymore. So, she became the center of attention (she was a hot emo at the time; using the word 'hot' very lightly cause we're still 14 at the time) and I just lost my best friend and still remained the same chubby, not to say fat, friend. I remember my other friend came to my home and she saw my training bra drying on the radiator and she sad "OMG it's so big". Cause I was big. Like 4 sizes bigger than her. And I was so embarrassed, I told her my mom stretches clothes after washing (which she does a bit, not to the extremes). And OMG, I'm now going back few years to whatever age when my other best friend at the time said I "could take down" the older guy cause I'm "bigger and fatter anyway". We were playing with my brother's friends and I guess the game was to take someone down; the last team standing was the winner probably. And I got the new older and bigger guy cause I was fat and I could "just run and jump on him". I mean you know this hit me hard when I can still quote them.
Part 2 is coming next week. Do you have any stories to share on the topic?
See you next Sunday ♥
I'm sorry you had a hard time with your body. Children can be so mean, although adults are probably not any better. It's usually the "bigger" kids who have to deal with so much hate from others but also themselves. What I think though is that "smaller" people probably struggle too. Like seeing your training bra, maybe being mean was her way of her dealing with her "small" boobs and she secretly wished, to be bigger? This sounds so weird, but you know what I mean. Being a teenager is the worst. You have to deal with so many insecurities and it's just tough. I remember lots of kids always calling me horse mouth and I didn't laugh in pictures until I was like 18. And when people now tell me that I have a beautiful smile, I have to keep myself from saying "Are you messing with me?" I'm pretty sure that everyone has some kind of issue with their body, but I guess everyone deals with it in a different way. Just so you know, I think you're beautiful inside and out and I'm glad you put yourself out there like on Insta or so, because you should. Nobody should feel like hiding for not living up to a standard. Standards are super boring, anyway! :)
ReplyDeletexx Hailey - www.haileyjaderyan.com
Kids are more honest and they'll usually say stuff to your face, and adults will usually give you weird looks behind your back... this girl in particular was raised to be very honest and she doesn't really care (or doesn't know) how it affects others.
Deleteomg I can relate! I wore braces and I haven't smiled AT ALL for like 5 years. and now there are very few pictures of me without a smile :)
and if anyone compliments my looks, I'm also like "are you serious or what?" haha
thank you Hailey for reading this, leaving such a long and awesome comment (I LOVE long comments) and for your kind words♥♥♥♥ I'm damaged in a way, but I've been taking baby steps and life is better with every day :)