I'm unhappy

Wow. A new post after... what, 8 months? Not bad. Honestly, I always wanted to get back to writing this blog, but never knew which topic to put in and which to leave out. And I promised myself, long time ago, that I would write whatever comes to my mind. This is my digital diary, my way to express my feelings to the world. So, as it usually goes, my life has been pretty weird lately and I don't know what to do about it. So here I am. And I'll get to the point right away.

I'm unhappy. Currently. And have been for the past few years. I'm at that point in my life where half of my friends are getting married and having kids and the other half is partying hard. And I'm nowhere. I want to go out, I want to travel, I want to cuddle up and watch a movie with my significant other. The thing is - I have no one.

There was this guy recently that I think liked me, and I kinda liked him back, but as socially awkward as I am, I totally blew it. I was so weird, even I can't explain the sh*t I pulled. And I tried to do as much damage control as I could, but there was no hope. As much as I want a relationship now and am ready for one, I'm also so new to it and so scared I'll mess it up that I mess it up in the beginning so I would never have to deal with the deeper feelings. I can't explain. 

My friends. I have only 2 really close friends. One of them is getting married in a couple of days, but is usually unavailable due to her job, errands and the fact - I think - that she really doesn't have the need to go out as often. The other one is usually up for our outings, but I have to be honest and say it's not enough for me lately. I feel trapped at home. My whole life now is work-home. I want to do something new, something more exciting than coffee. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with them, and I love coffees, but I'm also bored out of my mind.

I'm the type of person that won't do anything alone. And by anything I mean play some sport, go to the gym, travel, etc. And none of them, or my other good friends, won't do it. They have plans of their own or just don't have the money to do it. I would go with my dad, but we're not on good terms. We're barely coexisting at home. My mom, on the other hand, is my best friend, but she is so passive. She just wants to be at home and watch TV all day.

And I wanna die at home. I don't know what to do. I have 2 hobbies that I love - nails and making jewelry, but both of those are just a money pit. I'm constantly "losing" money on them. Sure, I love it and it makes me happy, but I also don't want to sit at my table 24/7.

I'm sad and scared that I'm spending my best years bored and miserable. I just wanna cry. I want to talk to people about it and make them realize there's so much more behind my everyday smile. But I always chicken out. My mom won't get it. My dad and brother wouldn't listen. And I don't want my colleagues to think I'm pathetic and weak. And I don't want to be a burden to my close friends. There's no real advice they could give and I know it. So I don't want to make them feel bad because they can't travel with me.

I don't know how to end this so I'm just gonna end it. There.

To love and to be loved... (part 2)

I have to state at the beginning of this post that I'm almost sure I'll regret writing it in a few days or weeks or even months, but I promised myself I wouldn't hold back in writing this blog anymore. I used to write a lot and most of those posts remained unpublished because I waited until I didn't feel that way anymore. And that's not the point of keeping this digital diary. So here we go.

A while back, in August, I wrote a post To love and to be loved... where I somehow explained what's going on and how the feeling of (any) love is absolutely awesome and all that. I would suggest reading that one before you dive into today's topic, but do as you please. I also want to say I stand by everything I said there. However... This is a post on my weird self.

And every day is a struggle.

I say quite often that I'm socially awkward and that's usually with people my own age. I don't know why, but it takes me quite some time before I can feel comfortable with new people and before I can find topics to talk about. I'm also usually not the one starting conversations. And now add that to having a crush on somebody. In my world that means never getting comfortable. I'm always overthinking things I do and say. And it's been holding me back. Now there's this guy I introduced in my previous post, we're working together. I see him every single day. And every day is a struggle.

This is the longest crush I've ever had on somebody. It usually turns into a friendship or we part ways or I just cool down. But not with this one. I already announced to my friends that I was done with it in like June (??) or sometimes around that time. And I'm still not. And for the first time ever, I can't explain this to myself. I learned that he was interested in some other girl (whom I don't know and it's not even important who she is) and that's usually an instant stop sign for me. If I meet anyone and I know they're in a relationship, there's no way I would look at them in that romantic way. Never. Ever. And I'm so happy I have that trait because I would most probably be heartbroken 24/7. Hello, I'm hopeless romantic, nice to meet you.

But the feeling is keeping me alive.

And now I thought I would cool off with this one too, knowing now what I know. But no. The feeling is not fading. And I can't even explain the feeling. It's definitely not love, it's not lust either. It's... who knows. I don't even care what it is, but I would like it to be a friendship love/interest instead so I could stop feeling this awkward around him. It's weird to say that I love that butterflies feeling even though I know it's not mutual. But the feeling is keeping me alive.

What's the point of this post, you ask? I don't know. Honestly. I just needed to tell somebody what's been going in my head. And as you can see, it's a mess. I've been struggling every day with the same feeling for over 10 months now. With all other guys I work with, I immediately had that friendly vibe and little by little, I became very comfortable around them. And no, not all of them are in a relationship. If there's anyone with any good advice that doesn't include actually confessing my feelings or 'just going up to him and starting talking normally', I would greatly appreciate it. Haha.

EDIT: Oh, I'm here now, past midnight of course, listening to all the songs he likes (to be fair, I love them too), thinking about him. Why? Why? Why? I realized that with each new song I learn he likes, I like him a bit more because we have such a similar taste in music and yet so different. I can't even explain it, but his playlist is basically 85% my playlist. Then there are 10% that he has in his playlist but won't admit he likes. OK, the 5% is OK not to have matching. Haha.

My honest opinion on my job (after 2 years)

Hey. I don't know if I wrote about my job before or not, but I don't think I ever fully expressed my thoughts on it. As usual, I don't have any plan for this post, so let's just see where it goes...

First of all I have to give you some basic information. I've been working here since I finished college; started as a student job and then they called me back 2 months after I lost my student's rights. It's been 2 full years now and I'm still not employed like legit full-time, but I do have a contract for few more months. Please pray they make it official! It's also the company that was my dream since I started high school, not the position exactly, but pretty close if you ask me.

...here's a chance I'll get fed up with everything...

So, I freaking love my job. There wasn't a day when I said I was not in a mood to work. Sure, getting up before 6 a.m. is not fun, but being tired and being not willing to go to work are two different things. I honestly feel so happy working there. I love every aspect of it and I also take on extra work because it's really not a problem. I guess the "find a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life" is actually true. Sure, I've been here for only 2 years and I'm still young and there's a chance I'll get fed up with everything, but as of now, I can only imagine one better position (the one I actually went to school for, but, as I said, this is the second best thing). People often tell me I work too much and I need to push other people to do more and, yes, I sometimes get frustrated that there are some people just waiting for me to do their job too, but at the end of the day, I love that too. How weird am I?

...there are like 2 girls and 20 guys working?

Furthermore, I work with people. A lot of them. And I was always worried how that will go. You know that the more people usually means more problems and more hatred. However, most of the people I work with are still students from my own college so we're basically wired in the same way. There are like 5 people that I love working with and the rest I'm OK with. But all in all, I don't particularly mind any of them. My bosses are absolutely amazing. I could have never imagined I would have this kind of a relationship with my boss/authority. Also, have I mentioned there are like 2 girls and 20 guys working? And both my bosses and real colleagues (legit employed people or on the same contract as I am) are guys? And to be accepted as well as they accepted me? To be equal from the start... OK, to be clear, there was never a difference in respect because I was a girl, but I expected different types of conversations or maybe to be excluded from some topics or something just because it's "guys' world". But no. To be honest, I think I'm so happy because (!) there are so many guys. I'm a girl and I can clearly state more girls mean more drama (generally!, not a rule of course). 

I try really hard to do my job well, but because I love it so much. And I see they respect me. And, people let me tell you, it's the greatest feeling in the world! To know you're appreciated. Honestly, I know this post is kind of a mess, but the point is out there. Haha. I'm just so overwhelmed whenever I talk about my job, it's insane. Haha.

I think I'm gonna write more about my job because I have few more topics I want to get into and also this relationship with my bosses, but we'll see how I'll manage that.

Tell me, do you work? Are you happy with your job? Your boss or colleagues?

♥

Lack of respect in the young generations

OK, it's definitely time for a little rant. I haven't had those in quite a while and this is something that is currently bothering me so let's hop into it.

Without getting into too much detail, we're choosing our new colleagues and there are 10 candidates, all around 20 years old. And look at me, being a tough boss to please while being only 5 years older than them. Also, to be honest, I'm just a consultant, there are much more important people choosing the people who are going to work with us for the next few years. (Oh, have I mentioned it's only a student job?)

He dares to test people...

Anyways. There's this one guy who just didn't sit well with me from the first time I saw him. I tried to be opened minded because I didn't know any of them and all deserved a chance. But this kid. Yes, I'm calling him a kid. He is now there for about 10 days and is treating people... Well, wrong. He dares to test people that have been working there for 15+ years on their knowledge, makes all the inappropriate jokes and comments and also treats his instructors/mentors/boss like his buddies.

To be clear, these are very approachable, nice people and I absolutely love working with them. However, it took me about a year to be fully comfortable with them meaning I now can speak my mind freely and I know they value my opinion. They are also the kind of people that will treat you friendly so I guess the kids may be confused, but I think they should have some sense of what is appropriate and what is not. Even though I could call these people my friends (take that lightly), I still know my boundaries and I'm aware I can not say whatever I want whenever I want. You may be as close to your boss as it gets, you may joke around and talk about a number of topics, but you still can't call him/her stupid. You know?

And, in this profession, you, without any previous knowledge, can not question their ability to do a good job. That's a hard no in my profession. They all will accept your ideas, but don't ever say you would do a better job than them. Cause the truth is, you wouldn't. That's just a fact.

...he made an inappropriate comment about his ex-wife...

Now, not only did he test one of his instructors, he made an inappropriate comment about his ex-wife and current wife, he also asked the other instructor does he not have a life cause he's always there... It's called an afternoon shift, kid. It's his job to be there and teach you, you little a**hole.

And, of course, we need to have a female representative here so it would all be fair... Jokes aside, there's a girl too that is actually quite rude. She, again, with no experience and very little knowledge, said, and I quote, "I have time if you want to fight me on this". No. No. No. You don't say "fight me" to a mentor who has experience you can only dream about.

They just need to be slapped...

I don't know, seeing them just pissed me off in a way I did not expect. I can't imagine kids are growing up with no sense of reality, hierarchy or just pure respect. I'm glad the mentors realized this, but, unfortunately, they won't let them go because they actually do a good job when they're working. They just need to be slapped few times to get that attitude out of them.

To love and to be loved...

I hate to disappoint you if you thought this was going to be a post where I finally tell you I'm in a happy relationship or something similar. On the contrary... I'm in a deep funk about it. But let's talk a bit about it.

...I'm at nothing. Nowhere.

I'm sure you all heard "To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to be loved by a person that you love is everything." or some variation of this. And let me tell you where I am now. According to this saying, I'm at nothing. Nowhere. To be honest, I wouldn't say I 'love' someone, I'm just having a major crush, constantly thinking about him and also wondering what he's thinking like 90% of the time. Haha. The only reason why I wouldn't now call it 'love' is because we're not that close and I can't say I know most about him. So call it what you like.

...the feeling of love is so powerful...

But the point here is that I refuse to think that this is nothing. I know I sound like a crazy teenager now, but to love is great! Sure, it sucks not getting that love back, but the feeling of love is so powerful and awesome. By loving someone, you're learning so much. You learn how to really listen, how to understand, to be patient, compassionate and selfless. And I have to say these traits are remarkable to have. You start noticing little things about them, about their surroundings and interests,... Not in a creepy way, haha, but in a way where you notice what makes people happy, what annoys them, etc. And of course, I am now talking about a romantic love because I'm in that mindset, but this goes for family and friends too.

To love is great! And if you work for it, or you're just that one person, you might get lucky enough to be loved back.

I won't lie, for the past few months I've been feeling pretty down about it and I keep telling myself to let it go (it's definitely not working), but I do not feel sorry for feeling like this. Even though this person and I are not even that close, he made me think about a lot of things, he made me look some things differently. He showed me some awesome music, thought me some facts, maybe pointless, but to me precious, made my day without even realizing it and made me laugh countless times... Again, it doesn't have to be related to romance; what ever people you love say or do, it makes it so much more powerful in your eyes.

I hope this all made sense. In short, don't be embarrassed of your love for anyone. Let that love grow and guide you. Also, if you have the courage (which I definitely 100% don't have), tell them. You never know where it may lead you. Enjoy the love.