06 November, 2020

To love and to be loved... (part 2)

I have to state at the beginning of this post that I'm almost sure I'll regret writing it in a few days or weeks or even months, but I promised myself I wouldn't hold back in writing this blog anymore. I used to write a lot and most of those posts remained unpublished because I waited until I didn't feel that way anymore. And that's not the point of keeping this digital diary. So here we go.

A while back, in August, I wrote a post To love and to be loved... where I somehow explained what's going on and how the feeling of (any) love is absolutely awesome and all that. I would suggest reading that one before you dive into today's topic, but do as you please. I also want to say I stand by everything I said there. However... This is a post on my weird self.

And every day is a struggle.

I say quite often that I'm socially awkward and that's usually with people my own age. I don't know why, but it takes me quite some time before I can feel comfortable with new people and before I can find topics to talk about. I'm also usually not the one starting conversations. And now add that to having a crush on somebody. In my world that means never getting comfortable. I'm always overthinking things I do and say. And it's been holding me back. Now there's this guy I introduced in my previous post, we're working together. I see him every single day. And every day is a struggle.

This is the longest crush I've ever had on somebody. It usually turns into a friendship or we part ways or I just cool down. But not with this one. I already announced to my friends that I was done with it in like June (??) or sometimes around that time. And I'm still not. And for the first time ever, I can't explain this to myself. I learned that he was interested in some other girl (whom I don't know and it's not even important who she is) and that's usually an instant stop sign for me. If I meet anyone and I know they're in a relationship, there's no way I would look at them in that romantic way. Never. Ever. And I'm so happy I have that trait because I would most probably be heartbroken 24/7. Hello, I'm hopeless romantic, nice to meet you.

But the feeling is keeping me alive.

And now I thought I would cool off with this one too, knowing now what I know. But no. The feeling is not fading. And I can't even explain the feeling. It's definitely not love, it's not lust either. It's... who knows. I don't even care what it is, but I would like it to be a friendship love/interest instead so I could stop feeling this awkward around him. It's weird to say that I love that butterflies feeling even though I know it's not mutual. But the feeling is keeping me alive.

What's the point of this post, you ask? I don't know. Honestly. I just needed to tell somebody what's been going in my head. And as you can see, it's a mess. I've been struggling every day with the same feeling for over 10 months now. With all other guys I work with, I immediately had that friendly vibe and little by little, I became very comfortable around them. And no, not all of them are in a relationship. If there's anyone with any good advice that doesn't include actually confessing my feelings or 'just going up to him and starting talking normally', I would greatly appreciate it. Haha.

EDIT: Oh, I'm here now, past midnight of course, listening to all the songs he likes (to be fair, I love them too), thinking about him. Why? Why? Why? I realized that with each new song I learn he likes, I like him a bit more because we have such a similar taste in music and yet so different. I can't even explain it, but his playlist is basically 85% my playlist. Then there are 10% that he has in his playlist but won't admit he likes. OK, the 5% is OK not to have matching. Haha.

14 October, 2020

My honest opinion on my job (after 2 years)

Hey. I don't know if I wrote about my job before or not, but I don't think I ever fully expressed my thoughts on it. As usual, I don't have any plan for this post, so let's just see where it goes...

First of all I have to give you some basic information. I've been working here since I finished college; started as a student job and then they called me back 2 months after I lost my student's rights. It's been 2 full years now and I'm still not employed like legit full-time, but I do have a contract for few more months. Please pray they make it official! It's also the company that was my dream since I started high school, not the position exactly, but pretty close if you ask me.'s a chance I'll get fed up with everything...

So, I freaking love my job. There wasn't a day when I said I was not in a mood to work. Sure, getting up before 6 a.m. is not fun, but being tired and being not willing to go to work are two different things. I honestly feel so happy working there. I love every aspect of it and I also take on extra work because it's really not a problem. I guess the "find a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life" is actually true. Sure, I've been here for only 2 years and I'm still young and there's a chance I'll get fed up with everything, but as of now, I can only imagine one better position (the one I actually went to school for, but, as I said, this is the second best thing). People often tell me I work too much and I need to push other people to do more and, yes, I sometimes get frustrated that there are some people just waiting for me to do their job too, but at the end of the day, I love that too. How weird am I?

...there are like 2 girls and 20 guys working?

Furthermore, I work with people. A lot of them. And I was always worried how that will go. You know that the more people usually means more problems and more hatred. However, most of the people I work with are still students from my own college so we're basically wired in the same way. There are like 5 people that I love working with and the rest I'm OK with. But all in all, I don't particularly mind any of them. My bosses are absolutely amazing. I could have never imagined I would have this kind of a relationship with my boss/authority. Also, have I mentioned there are like 2 girls and 20 guys working? And both my bosses and real colleagues (legit employed people or on the same contract as I am) are guys? And to be accepted as well as they accepted me? To be equal from the start... OK, to be clear, there was never a difference in respect because I was a girl, but I expected different types of conversations or maybe to be excluded from some topics or something just because it's "guys' world". But no. To be honest, I think I'm so happy because (!) there are so many guys. I'm a girl and I can clearly state more girls mean more drama (generally!, not a rule of course). 

I try really hard to do my job well, but because I love it so much. And I see they respect me. And, people let me tell you, it's the greatest feeling in the world! To know you're appreciated. Honestly, I know this post is kind of a mess, but the point is out there. Haha. I'm just so overwhelmed whenever I talk about my job, it's insane. Haha.

I think I'm gonna write more about my job because I have few more topics I want to get into and also this relationship with my bosses, but we'll see how I'll manage that.

Tell me, do you work? Are you happy with your job? Your boss or colleagues?

27 September, 2020

Lack of respect in the young generations

OK, it's definitely time for a little rant. I haven't had those in quite a while and this is something that is currently bothering me so let's hop into it.

Without getting into too much detail, we're choosing our new colleagues and there are 10 candidates, all around 20 years old. And look at me, being a tough boss to please while being only 5 years older than them. Also, to be honest, I'm just a consultant, there are much more important people choosing the people who are going to work with us for the next few years. (Oh, have I mentioned it's only a student job?)

He dares to test people...

Anyways. There's this one guy who just didn't sit well with me from the first time I saw him. I tried to be opened minded because I didn't know any of them and all deserved a chance. But this kid. Yes, I'm calling him a kid. He is now there for about 10 days and is treating people... Well, wrong. He dares to test people that have been working there for 15+ years on their knowledge, makes all the inappropriate jokes and comments and also treats his instructors/mentors/boss like his buddies.

To be clear, these are very approachable, nice people and I absolutely love working with them. However, it took me about a year to be fully comfortable with them meaning I now can speak my mind freely and I know they value my opinion. They are also the kind of people that will treat you friendly so I guess the kids may be confused, but I think they should have some sense of what is appropriate and what is not. Even though I could call these people my friends (take that lightly), I still know my boundaries and I'm aware I can not say whatever I want whenever I want. You may be as close to your boss as it gets, you may joke around and talk about a number of topics, but you still can't call him/her stupid. You know?

And, in this profession, you, without any previous knowledge, can not question their ability to do a good job. That's a hard no in my profession. They all will accept your ideas, but don't ever say you would do a better job than them. Cause the truth is, you wouldn't. That's just a fact.

...he made an inappropriate comment about his ex-wife...

Now, not only did he test one of his instructors, he made an inappropriate comment about his ex-wife and current wife, he also asked the other instructor does he not have a life cause he's always there... It's called an afternoon shift, kid. It's his job to be there and teach you, you little a**hole.

And, of course, we need to have a female representative here so it would all be fair... Jokes aside, there's a girl too that is actually quite rude. She, again, with no experience and very little knowledge, said, and I quote, "I have time if you want to fight me on this". No. No. No. You don't say "fight me" to a mentor who has experience you can only dream about.

They just need to be slapped...

I don't know, seeing them just pissed me off in a way I did not expect. I can't imagine kids are growing up with no sense of reality, hierarchy or just pure respect. I'm glad the mentors realized this, but, unfortunately, they won't let them go because they actually do a good job when they're working. They just need to be slapped few times to get that attitude out of them.

02 August, 2020

To love and to be loved...

I hate to disappoint you if you thought this was going to be a post where I finally tell you I'm in a happy relationship or something similar. On the contrary... I'm in a deep funk about it. But let's talk a bit about it.
...I'm at nothing. Nowhere.
I'm sure you all heard "To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to be loved by a person that you love is everything." or some variation of this. And let me tell you where I am now. According to this saying, I'm at nothing. Nowhere. To be honest, I wouldn't say I 'love' someone, I'm just having a major crush, constantly thinking about him and also wondering what he's thinking like 90% of the time. Haha. The only reason why I wouldn't now call it 'love' is because we're not that close and I can't say I know most about him. So call it what you like.
...the feeling of love is so powerful...
But the point here is that I refuse to think that this is nothing. I know I sound like a crazy teenager now, but to love is great! Sure, it sucks not getting that love back, but the feeling of love is so powerful and awesome. By loving someone, you're learning so much. You learn how to really listen, how to understand, to be patient, compassionate and selfless. And I have to say these traits are remarkable to have. You start noticing little things about them, about their surroundings and interests,... Not in a creepy way, haha, but in a way where you notice what makes people happy, what annoys them, etc. And of course, I am now talking about a romantic love because I'm in that mindset, but this goes for family and friends too.

To love is great! And if you work for it, or you're just that one person, you might get lucky enough to be loved back.

I won't lie, for the past few months I've been feeling pretty down about it and I keep telling myself to let it go (it's definitely not working), but I do not feel sorry for feeling like this. Even though this person and I are not even that close, he made me think about a lot of things, he made me look some things differently. He showed me some awesome music, thought me some facts, maybe pointless, but to me precious, made my day without even realizing it and made me laugh countless times... Again, it doesn't have to be related to romance; what ever people you love say or do, it makes it so much more powerful in your eyes.

I hope this all made sense. In short, don't be embarrassed of your love for anyone. Let that love grow and guide you. Also, if you have the courage (which I definitely 100% don't have), tell them. You never know where it may lead you. Enjoy the love.

21 June, 2020

50 questions to free your mind

You all know the drill with these. I love answering questions like these, I love polls. I'm that one person that won't hung up the phone when they hear some poll or research is on the other side of the line. Haha. I also read the questions and they're so much different from whatever I've been seeing around the blogging community. They also made me think so I had to answer them all.
I copied this from Katie - Life With Ktkinnes and you can read her answers here 50 Questions to Free your mind.


How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
What does this mean? I feel exactly my age. 25. I think I'm mature enough, but also can be silly and call the inner child. And if I had to choose what age I would like to be, the answer is the same. 25. I'm young, but adult (-ish), I finished all of my education and got my degrees, I have a job I love, I'm in the best place mentally I've ever been, I love my friends, my family is doing fine...

Which is worse, failing or never trying?
For me, failing. I have this fear that I won't measure up to some standards, that people will look at me differently if I fail so I usually just pass on whatever. I do feel really bad that I'm that way, but the fear is still sometimes stronger than the will.

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
Because we can't live like there's no tomorrow. It would be absolute chaos and we would live for like a month max. The goal is to find a balance between 'need to' and 'want to'. I explained a bit more on this in my post 3 bullsh*ts you're frequently told! if you're interested. Also, I wrote 3 things people hate and we need in life which is relevant here too.

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
Definitely. I'm aware I talk a lot about some things, but as I said before, fear of failing and being embarrassed is often keeping me from actually doing stuff.

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
I would say the politics. I mean, of course, we need to be more aware of the people around us, the nature and everything that's happening, but most of the stuff could be handled with better politicians that would actually work for the people they represent and not their own interest (speaking for my country, at least).

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
Going to concerts, spending time with my friends, car rides with singing involved, TV shows, traveling, eating grandma's food... There's a lot to mention here.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
Work wise, both. I am trying to get my career to the point that I want to, but I'm doing this job I have the best I can and I wouldn't be extremely sorry if I just stayed here. Life wise, I'm doing what I think is right and that's all I can do...

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
I guess there would be different 'rules' for everyone. I doubt that education and working period would be so long... But I guess, I would be the same? I have no idea. Haha.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
Pretty much all of it. I chose my high school, my university, my job now. I chose the people around me that I actually love and that support me. I do regret those young days when my parents had to make decisions for me because I never got to learn some things that I would want to, but oh well...

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
Doing the right things. Mistakes can happen and we need to learn to live with it. But if you're doing the wrong things right, where are you actually going with it?

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
I'll probably throw in some hints that I'm close to this person, but if they continue, I'll just disagree and ask them not to say those things in front of me. They're allowed to have an opinion, but they can also talk about it without me present.

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
Do things. Try everything, you never know what you'll find, what you'll love, whom you'll meet in the process, what you will learn... Just do things.


Would you break the law to save a loved one?
I guess it depends. If my loved one murdered someone, then I wanna say 'no'. But most probably, the answer to all situations would be 'of course'.

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
No. I usually stay with the insanity.

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
Is it weird that I can't remember one thing?

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
Not all the people are the same, obviously. It's a perfectly normal thing. However, it makes me worried when I realize that some people don't like music or nature or when someone just smiles at them. Little things are the most important ones.

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
I really want to learn how to play a guitar. I've wanted it for years now. And I'm scared of being a 25-year-old learning and, as I mentioned in the beginning, I'm scared of being bad at it. Also, to actually have the guts to tell a guy I like him. Like a lot.

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
Probably my feeling of insecurity of how I look. I should know better by now, but I don't see myself being confident any time soon. I had to deal with it all my childhood and those years really defined me so that part of me just stayed present.

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
Well, no where because I freaking love it here. But if I really had to then probably somewhere in England or New York. I like busy places.

Do you push the lift button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the lift faster?
No. That's pointless. I do push the "close the door" button if I'm already in it cause that actually makes it faster.

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
I'm an overthinker so it's natural that I would be a worried genius. And for some reason when I read "simpleton", I hear "stupid" and I don't want to be that.

Why are you, you?
Gosh, I don't know... Because I want great things for me, because I want to prove to the people that I can become a 'somebody' and make it in this world. Another side is also because I was always chubby and I got teased about it a lot so it's still very much a part of my daily life.

Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
I sure hope so. People tell me I'm a good listener and I usually have at least some kind of advice. I like to include people in whatever is happening so no one is left behind.

Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
Definitely the second one. I had few of those like 10 years ago and I still think about them and what would we be like today. A friend moving away sucks, but with today's technology and transportation, it shouldn't be a deal breaker.

What are you most grateful for?
Health, my family and all that, but currently for my university. I'm not saying it was great or easy or even that it opened a bunch of opportunities for me. However, I really 'blossomed' there. As I had mostly male colleagues, I was pushed out of my comfort zone a lot and it turned to be a great thing. I also met some great people and my best friend there, I got a job I'm currently doing which I love. I really grew up in the process of getting that education.

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
Oh... I'll keep my old ones. As much as I cringe at some and want to forget some, I also have some that I'll cherish forever. And I would be OK because I wouldn't know about future ones so I wouldn't technically be losing anything.

Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
I took too many classes that would say 'no'. You have to prove everything and I'll stick to that.

Has your greatest fear ever come true?
Still no. I have a huge fear of dying so I won't know that it happened to me, but I'm also scared of losing my loved ones more and more as they're getting older and, thank God, I didn't have to go through it yet. Another one is not finding my "other half" and I already think that ship has sailed, but realistically there's still time.

Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
There are still things that happened years ago and I still want to hit myself for saying what I did, or not saying enough, for acting weirdly, for being like this or like that. I said it already, I'm an overthinker so these will haunt me forever.

What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
I honestly can't remember. Is that sad? I mean I loved all the summers we had at our grandparents' and those two weeks of visiting the sea side. I was a happy child, but I can't pick one thing... 

At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
Whenever people I really respect at work say I'm doing a good job. Unfortunately, that's really rare at my firm so I really cherish those few people that can lift my mood instantly. Also, it may sound pathetic, but I like this one guy so I'm alive when ever I see him smiling/laughing. It makes my day.


If not now, then when?
True. But it all goes back to me being scared and socially awkward.

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
OK, I'm just going in circles now, but I'll base this on my non-existing relationship with the previously mentioned guy. I'm scared of being rejected, humiliated. I'm also scared of failing at anything. And most of all, I'm scared of getting my hopes up and then it not working out. I had few of those in the recent past and each situation has broke me a little.

Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
Sure. I'm so grateful for those people. When the silence stops being awkward, you know you have found your people.

Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
That's just an excuse. Religions do not cause wars, stupid people do. Hunger for power and wealth cause wars.

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
Sometimes, but not always. As much as I would like it to be as simple as that, there's always a background story or the other side that needs to be taken into consideration.

If you just won a million pounds, would you quit your job?
No. I love my job. I also think I would get bored pretty fast. I would definitely take more classes and courses, I would travel whenever it would be possible, but I would keep my job for sure.

Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy?
More work that I enjoy. I get these periods during a year that I don't really have much to do at work and it's great the first week and then it's just boring and I can't wait to start working properly again.

Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
For sure. My days are unfortunately all the same. Work, home, boredom, overthinking. Haha. I do have some other things going on, but I would like to have my days filled with things to do. I need more excitement to make me feel fulfilled.

When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
I don't think I'm the type to do that. I usually do my research and I'm more or less well prepared for what I'm about to do.

If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
Wow. I don't even want to think about that. I can't pick one person. I won't. But, I hope that at least then I would have the guts to call the guy I like and admit it (I probably wouldn't have the courage even then).

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
For fame definitely no, but as I'm really self-conscious about my looks, I would think twice about that one. I hope not, but you never know.

What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
Major one. I guess most people will never know what it's like to truly live your life and that's OK too. Each life is different and we have to try to truly live while we're alive as much as we can.

When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
Whenever you feel ready. Calculating risks is a tricky field. At one hand you're taking it all into consideration and you're being responsible, but on the other hand you're trying to find a reason not to go for it. There's a fine line somewhere in there, but I'm not the right person to ask where that like really is.

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
Because mistakes make us "weak" and nobody wants to feel weak. Some people learn that mistakes are a normal part of life sooner, some later, some never. Honestly, I admire people who already learned that lesson and who are ready to take the plunge.

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
Is this all going to be about a guy? Haha. But yeah, I would admit my feelings. Not only to him, but to some other people about other topics too. I would also be more free.

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
Actually last night. I cried myself to sleep so I was very aware of every sound I made.

What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
Music. I can't wait for new concerts. Nails. I took two courses and I'm a licensed nail technician now. Again, my job. Sunny days.


In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
Of course not. As I said, my days are all pretty much the same. I'll remember the big things. However, I'll remember the feelings I had at certain points in my life. But I'll have my blog, my diary, my phone with lots of photos, so maybe I'll remember some random days too.

Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
I don't even know any more. Work wise, I'm in control. I mean, my employer is, but if I'm given a choice, I'll make it myself. And I really hope I won't screw it up. Social life wise, I'm somewhere in between and it depends on the people I'm with, what we're doing and so on. But I'm more and more happy with it. Love life wise, I'm absolutely nowhere in control and that's why I'm as miserable here as I am.


Wow. This was honestly my favorite set of questions I ever answered. Sure, I'm a bit stressed out now, but sometimes you just need to think about stuff you don't particulary feel comfortable with.
I really hope you liked this. If you have any other questions, feel free to ask in the comments or send me links to some other blogs with questions. Thanks!

See you next Sunday ♥