13 January, 2019

20 plans and wishes for 2019

OK, as you may know, I wasn't going to post this list for few reasons. First being I don't usually stick to any of my New Year resolutions and then I'm just disappointed in myself and I know this from the start. I also just found a last year's list and I think I did 2 out of 20 things. However, lists also make me happy and chances are I'm going to do more if I share my goals so I wouldn't be embarrassed in front of people. Public eye has quite an influence on me.
There's no particular order to this and, even though I thought I wouldn't explain anything, I really need to say something about these. Here we go...
  • start driving again
I got my licence 2 years ago now and I drove only once. Car is not my main mean of transportation as I use public transport on daily basis and now I'm just scared to drive again. I hope to take few more lessons and this will hopefully be the year when I start driving again.
  • take dancing classes
I always wanted this, but now more than ever because my brother is getting married soon and I really want to learn some moves. And when I say 'dance' I mean real couple dancing, not this modern sh*t because we all know how to jump.
  • lose weight/get into shape
Going with the previous one, I want to look good at that wedding, but this has also been on my list for years now. Now that my best friend is actually doing it too, maybe I'll get motivated too and we can get better together. Hopefully.
  • get a job
I recently finished college so I think it's normal that I look for a job now. Also, I need to work because I'm losing my mind how bored I am and I also need money. However, I think it's going to be a struggle, but I know I'll find something.
  • buy a tripod and start those outfit photos
I have another blog and I also like to post on Instagram so this is something I really want to do this year. Tripods aren't that expensive so I think I might actually do this one. Also, if you think it's kinda shallow, read my posts First, let me take a selfie... or I'm more than my social media..
  • prepare for YouTube channel
I tried this one in 2018 and editing was SO hard without programs that you need to pay for and I really can't spend money on this. Unfortunately. I would only post manicures for starters. I don't have a wish to show my face on camera any time soon, but who knows.
  • set up a space for doing manicures
I've had the table and storage and all that for years now, but I haven't set it up. I was waiting until I get my certificate and I eventually did get one, but I don't think I'm yet capable of doing a proper manicure so I just did nothing.
  • change your hair
I'm not talking about anything major here, I'm talking about maybe changing color a bit or getting some kind of fringes. I think I've done some changes over this year and I change my hairstyles on daily basis now so I hope just to continue that.
  • donate blood for the first time
I've been putting this one off for 5 years now. I don't know why actually. I'm just scared of how my body will react and whether I'll faint or not. I'm not scared of needles or blood or anything like that, but I don't know how I will react to some blood being pulled out of me. I just need someone there to make sure I'll be OK the first time.
  • get one more piercing
I only have piercings on my ears and I want to keep it that way. However, I want one more, something higher than what I now have. This usually isn't a problem, but I had so much trouble with my last few that I'm now scared how my ears will react.
  • get a tattoo
I've wanted this for years (!!) now and I keep putting it off because I can't decide on the design and the place. I know the style I want, I even have like 3 designs on my wishlist but the position is still a problem for me. I'll take any suggestions for small tattoos that can be covered up easily.
  • travel more
I mean, isn't this on everybody's list? I'm not even talking about long trips far away. I'm talking local, one or two days trips. I just want some change every now and then and I want to explore, take good photos and just enjoy the nature, castles, city lights...
  • finish nail and make-up course
I mentioned it above, but I really want to finish these two. Both are for my personal preferences, but also to improve my blog and maybe YouTube one day. I just want to perfect what I love.
  • go out/clubbing more
I'm usually just a walk or coffee type of girl. I still love that, but I also wish to spend my Fridays and Saturdays out, clubbing or something, instead of watching some romance show and crying over my non-existent love life.
  • declutter make-up, closet and jewelry
I really have a lot of all of these, I won't deny it. However, I have declutters quite often and I usually just end up with maybe one or two items to go. I read this great post How to declutter your clothing once and for all and I do follow these steps, but I actually wear 99% of clothes and jewelry. Make-up declutter should come soon.
  • try a GoFundMe
I know this is kinda weird, but I have this thing I want to buy and it would really help my organization and hobby/passion to come to life. I actually only need $200, but I don't have that either so I will try to collect money. If you're willing to donate something, let me know. ☺
  • finish a book and read more
I started a book now last year and life kinda got in the way, I put it down and haven't picked up since and it's now been a month or so. I really want to finish that one. I'm also not a book lover and I'm OK with that, but I have many books on my shelves and I don't want them just to sit there. I'll try to get some of these off my list.
  • finally finish a short-stories book I'm writing
I wrote some things on Wattpad before, but I'm actually writing down my dreams and I'm making it into some kind of short-stories book. I know it's nothing too good and I maybe won't have any readers, but it makes me happy so I want to write that down. I like my dreams.
  • keep a skincare routine
I have a lot of skincare products I love and I want to keep a good routine that works for me. However, I seem to forget it every now and then and then days go by without me even applying moisturizer. Rinsing off my face in the morning is all I get... So I'm determined to change that soon!
  • save more money
This one is also an obvious one for everybody, but I really want to save some money along with enjoying everything it can bring me. So I will still shop, eat out and hopefully travel, but I'll try to be smart about it. As I also don't have incomes now, I need to pay more attention to this.

Give me your top 3 this year's plans!

06 January, 2019

NYE from hell to the best NYE

Hello everybody! Happy New Year! I hope you all had a wonderful time during holidays and I hope you missed me. Haha. I announced this topic on Twitter and a lot of people were actually interested in how my NYE went because I also wrote that I'm scared and nervous for it.
I'm socially awkward.
Just a quick reminder that I don't have anxiety or depression, but I'll maybe use these words to try to explain what was going on. Also, I'm quite socially awkward and new people freak me out. I'm pretty good with older people, but with my own generation I suck at social gatherings. I tend to keep quiet and I don't initiate anything myself. Of course, I'm really relaxed with my friends and then I have a completely different attitude.
I got there, in between all best friends.
Even though I had multiple invitations which surprised me so freaking much, I chose one event. It was a small gathering organized by my something-in-between-colleague-and-friend. He invited around 10 people, but there were 8 of us in the end. Most people there were in the same relationship with me as he was. We were more than colleagues, but not real friends. Some are closer friends than others, but I don't know. We'll call them all friends, but you get it. There was also one guy who is boyfriend to one of the girls and I've seen him maybe 2 times and I don't think we ever spoke. And then there was a completely new guy whom I've never even heard of. Also have in mind they're all really good, best friends to each other. And couples. And then there was me.
...I'm so so glad he picked me up...
At first I didn't even want to go, I was making up excuses, but my mom eventually told me to go. "If you'll have a bad time, just say you're sick and I'll pick you up." My mom is the best. So I got some food, some drinks, got dressed and waited for a friend to pick me up. Most of them were already there, but I waited for one as he lives near me so I would have a ride. First of all I have to say I'm so so glad he picked me up because we talked about everything and nothing, laughed a lot and I was relaxed by the time we got there. And no, I don't like him romantically; sorry to disappoint you. Now that I think of it, you should know him and his girlfriend as Mr. T. and Miss D. from my posts here. was going to be a horrible night. And we just started...
Anyway, we got there and everybody was already having fun. I thought it would be hard for me just to come and blend in as everybody was looking at us (naturally as we walked in). It is usually the hardest part for me so I always like to be the first at the party. I'm much more comfortable with welcoming people than being welcomed. Tell me in the comments if you have the same problem. I was offered a drink or two, I sat down in the corner as I usually do and I was already feeling weird. I started overthinking, again, as I usually do and I really thought it was going to be a horrible night. And we just started... Some were dancing, some were goofing around, some were talking and I was just observing everything. I was already overwhelmed with the situation.
...I was single while everybody was kissing their significant other.
However, we soon started playing some games, we laughed together and the awkwardness faded. We also ate dinner and I was soon really comfortable with all these people. I'm still not sure what actually happened in my mind, but I hope it'll happen again at some gathering. I just stopped overthinking and I had fun. I think music was a big part of it as I listened to all my favorite artists and songs so I was in a really good mood. The only awkwardness happened when the midnight came and I realized I was single while everybody was kissing their significant other. However, I didn't feel bad about it. Maybe just a bit sad, for a second.
I kinda missed my family, but my mom made it better. As she always does.
I say it's "the best NYE" for every NYE that I didn't feel horrible so this one goes into this category as well. I had my friends beside me, I had great food and drinks, awesome music and overall great atmosphere. What else could I ask for? My mom texted me at exactly 00:00 and it warmed my heart. Oh, yeah, all of this happened before midnight. Haha. After midnight we just continued dancing and mostly playing games which made us all laugh our as*es off... And let me just tell you, party ended at 7 a.m.
My point is: just go for it. I know people with serious anxiety or whatever condition can have bigger problems than I do, but I think trying things even if you're terrified can be a good thing. At least with things like this where you can just walk away and change your mind at any moment. If I went with my initial thought, I would have missed this great night, this great bonding time.

How did you spend your NYE?

23 December, 2018

YouTube/blogging vs. real job

Now I already expect a ton of hate towards this post especially if I dare to call myself a 'blogger', but it's OK. I hope I'll get my point across here. First of all, I will say that I'm currently unemployed, my parents work really hard for average (or even below average paycheck) and we're living from month to month which I think is the worst.
My blog definitely isn't in that category...
With YouTube getting a swing and becoming more popular by the day, also with all the bloggers coming out and getting famous I can't stop thinking about it being a real job. I'll first comment on this part. I know from my own experience that having a blog can be a pain in the ass and it's really time consuming. I have what I call 'a hobby blog' and I know it could probably be much more popular and better, but I like it the way it is. However if you have a blog that's supposed to be your main income source you have to invest much more time and effort in it. The same goes for YouTube of course.

I'm not saying influencers (I'll call it that so I don't have to write youtubers and bloggers all the time) don't work a lot on their content and there's a reason why some people made it so far. You can see their passion and effort in their content.
They shouldn't get all those brand deals, all the fame.
However, the money they have is not proportional. If you look at it, all they do is take photos or film videos for the world to see. Again, I know there's editing, promotion and all that, but it's still just a bunch of photos and few words on the Internet. These people are paid SO much to say some T-shirt is well made or some eyeliner is pitch black, to literally put on make-up or just to film themselves eat. Don't get me wrong, of course I follow some youtubers and bloggers and I love some content, but they sure don't deserve the money they get. This sounds harsh, but let's compare.
I know the world isn't fair, but this is just ridiculous.
One blogger charges up to $1000 for a review of some site, some youtuber charges $500 for a single shout-out... One football player is paid $100,000 for a game. And then... One nurse is paid $1000 for a month of their work, one sales person is paid $800 for their monthly work. One firefighter that endangers their life is paid around $1000 for a month.

I'm not going to get into this too much, but there's no way you can justify this to me. This is not just related to influencers. This goes for, as I mentioned, sports men and women, actors, singers and all those popular people. How can someone who sings have more money then people that invent cures for diseases? Or more than construction workers without who we would actually live on the street? You see my problem here?

What's your opinion? I would really start a discussion in the comments!

16 December, 2018

My emo phase

Picture this. The year is 2007, I'm in the 7th grade of elementary school, my best friend just turned emo out of nowhere, she's becoming popular and I'm left behind. One day I decide to fit in no matter what so I turn emo too.
I never knew what emo really was.
I changed all my colorful clothes for black pieces, I stopped wearing shiny jewelry and I even added a black liner in my bottom waterline. It was safe to say I went all out at that age. I also had one other friend who was probably a rocker or punker or whatever she was, but for elementary school she was a very popular kid. Too bad I realized she was just using me, but that's another story. At that age (and still today a bit) I really wanted to fit in with the cool kids. You know, like in the shows I watched. So I transformed myself into 'emo' without really knowing what it was. I thought it was just black clothes and crazy hair with neon accessories.
Then I saw the scars and blood.
After few months of trying to be someone I'm not and everybody realizing I was just copying my friend for attention, I felt like sh*t. I didn't know how to change back so I stayed like that for the entire year, until summer breaks. Some time in that period I also got closer to my friend again and she opened up about her cutting herself. However this may sound, to be completely honest I didn't buy her story and I honestly think she did it just for the attention. I don't think she had any deeper problems and I don't think she did it for the relief or whatever it was supposed to provide her. I know how this may sound to you, but I knew this girl for 6 years then, since we started school. We were together every single day almost every day. I knew her, her family and distant relatives. I think she went through something like puberty, but not life crisis like she was portraying.
And I was young and stupid so I followed.
As she was being cool and everybody talked about her, I wanted it too. So young and really really stupid me thought it would be a good idea to follow her footsteps - all the way. Thankfully enough I wasn't stupid enough to take the blade of any kind. Instead I took a pencil. Mechanical pencil to be exact. I took the metal part on top and I scratched my skin in different shapes and letters. Even then I think I just wanted a tattoo so I did that. However, I never did it in any visible places. I scratched my leg or upper arm if I wore long sleeves. Also, it's important to mention that it never actually got bad. I have way worse scratches now from my dog or just because I'm clumsy so you don't have to be worried about my young self.
I made up reasons.
With me being stupid, I also made up reasons why I should be sad because that was obviously cool. How many times can I emphasize I was stupid and all of this is just crazy stupid. However, what I later realized, she wasn't cool. She was different and interesting and that's why everybody talked about her. If I only realized that sooner, I would be myself and I would try to make friends as being me. At that point in my life nobody knew who I was. Hell, I didn't know who I was. And even though I was about 13 and not supposed to have my life figured out, I think I should have known what I like and what I don't like, who I want to spend my time with, etc.

If you're curious who this girl is, she's Martha from Friends in the past post.

Do you have some embarrassing phase of your life? Please say you do haha

09 December, 2018

NO to grand public signs of affection

Wow, that sounds harsh, right? "NO." OK, chill... Recently I've been in some mood for romantic movies, which, for me is all the time, but I actually got some time and sat down and watched few of those. Of course, I formed so many opinions. If you want to read any reviews or opinions on movies or shows such as 50 Shades Freed or The Vampire Diaries, you can find them all under the tab "TV reviews".

Some of the movies I really like have one flaw. They have that one scene where one person shows their love for another in front of million people. I can't express enough how much I hate it. I'm a huge romance fan and I love mushy things when it comes to relationships and I honestly feel like this takes away from the romance.
I don't have anything against showing love, but there's a time and place for everything.
There's a difference between holding hands in public and telling your significant other you can't live without them at a football stadium. Ever since I can remember, those scenes made me cringe so hard (and I never use the word cringe so you know I'm serious). Maybe it's because I'm quite shy and don't want to be in a center of attention so I know I would be SO embarrassed and uncomfortable if anyone did it to me.
You can never be 100% sure they'll respond the way you want them too.
I honestly don't know how people aren't scared to do this. I know you should take risks when it comes to love I guess, but it's already scary enough to do some things privately. Adding hundreds or millions of people would throw me over the edge. Imagine you're going to propose to someone, you're at a concert and you just invited your significant other to the stage (the singer is obviously delighted by the idea of joining two people and making a better show with it). How can you be 100% sure they'll say "yes"? You can be together for 10 years and happier than ever and some sh*t can go wrong in that particular moment.
You're both on the spot...
And now you're both standing there, in front of everybody. OK, Landon is proposing to Jamie (yes, I'm a Walk To Remember fan, sue me). She'll maybe feel obligated to say "yes" and will think about it more because if she says "no", she'll be the devil here and he'll be the poor guy left in front of all these people. Even though people don't know their story, they'll make something up and in case the love isn't returned the way it is expected, someone is going to portrayed as an evil cupid.
...and now I can't enjoy the other thing cause I'm freaking engaged.
But let's say everything goes right. Landon proposes, Jamie says "yes" at the Backstreet Boys's concert. Now what? The chances are Jamie is going to cry about this and her make-up will probably be ruined or she'll just look like a mess. Happy mess, but still a mess. You're also now engaged and super emotional and excited and you're thinking about a 1000 things and you're also missing the concert.
You don't know anything about love so you're completely wrong.
I could be completely wrong. If you've been reading this blog, you should know that I never had a boyfriend so I didn't have the chance to experience any of these. However, if I ever find one, I really want him to read this so he wouldn't do this stupid mistake. Haha. I know it all changes when you're with the right person and in love, but I can't imagine ever wanting to be in the center of attention.

OK, let's see how many of us are there? Who's with me? And who loves these grand love ceremonies?