Hey. Welcome to my second story. So, this happened few weeks ago, but I guess it was so strong that I still think about it on daily basis.
Note: Have in mind this was a dream and it did happen quite a long time ago so I won't remember all the details. This note was written last. I also wrote this for two days cause I couldn't do it without crying. I wrote about 2 sentences in a row before crying. I had long pauses to calm down. Maybe it's all over the place. I don't know.
So I dreamed that my parents were asking me about my college grades and exams and, as usual, I said it was all good without long explanations. Then they asked me why I'm not going out with my friends, why I'm not in a relationship. I just smiled and said I don't know. There were some other questions before I snapped. Now I remember my speech so here it is. "Because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself, of what I do, of what I like, of what I look like. I'm scared to go outside. I'm ashamed that I'm over 20 and I look like this. And I can't cook, dance, drive or do anything a "normal" person my age should. I'm afraid that my friends think I'm stupid cause I don't follow politics or sports. I'm scared cause I have no self-esteem to pull me back up. So I hold it in. And you have no idea. It's scares me that I'm over 20 and I have no idea what I'm doing. But most of all I'm scared that you're ashamed. I'm scared that I'm not making you proud. I'm scared that nothing I do is good enough. Like I'm not meeting your expectations. And I want to. I'm really trying. But yes, I'm ashamed of myself. And you have no idea. I'm sorry."
And then I woke up.
I know this was just a dream and, as most dreams are, this was so random and probably not even related to the fake questions my parents were asking. I have no idea how this came up, but the fact that I woke up in tears and really disturbed, the fact that I'm still disturbed 2 weeks later and that I cried during writing this tells me this is the truth. And I do believe that most people my age do have this thoughts every now and then because, let's be honest, we have no idea what we're doing with our life. I can still hear myself yelling "I'm ashamed!" in my dream.
Note: Not to worry. I'm not depressed and I'm not this bad all the time. This hits me every now and then. But when it does, it's pretty bad.
And then I woke up.
I know this was just a dream and, as most dreams are, this was so random and probably not even related to the fake questions my parents were asking. I have no idea how this came up, but the fact that I woke up in tears and really disturbed, the fact that I'm still disturbed 2 weeks later and that I cried during writing this tells me this is the truth. And I do believe that most people my age do have this thoughts every now and then because, let's be honest, we have no idea what we're doing with our life. I can still hear myself yelling "I'm ashamed!" in my dream.
Note: Not to worry. I'm not depressed and I'm not this bad all the time. This hits me every now and then. But when it does, it's pretty bad.
- ♥
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